What to do...

 Friday, November 3rd, 2017

It was the eve of the Full Moon... the Birch Moon... a time to start New Things.

This was not what I had in mind.

Waking in the Sanctuary, Levi roused from the futon to rush off to his classes. It makes me wonder why the fuck we do this mundane stuff knowing there is something out there and we need to fight it with magic. My family is weird. Levi is weird. They are all weird. I search out breakfast. The landscape is so... pretty. I can see how my parents might not want to leave. Oh... the aurochs are still around.

Parental info  was... scant. But apparently my parents knew a great deal more about this mess. Levi is associated with someone called Whitecastle... the Whitecastles. She.... a former technocrat who is technically good... like all others are not. It was a frank talk... but still wasn't everything.

They just want the best for me. I get that. They wanted me to make my own choices. They didn't push me to be initiated into either of their traditions. They believe adaptability and fluidity are actually better, and will benefit me more than locking into any one tradition. I would have had to choose otherwise. How can I do that. I connect evenly with both traditions and have made them into something uniquely my own. Will it be enough? Am I enough?

Dad explained that my choices... if I live. That did NOT please my mother who walked out... so fast and so mad that she vanished... magic. "Dad... I hope you can construct a doghouse."

While hiding in this peaceful place is a nice idea... I like the world. I want to protect it... and the people trying to save the innocent and unawakened. I need to learn more. I need to know more. I talked with my parents about learning more. They invited me back tonight to do just that.I need more magical training... martial and healing... or find a way to forge my own path.

So, I will come back tonight and hope they are both here to help teach me, help me to be ready for what is to come. First, tho, head back to the apartment, and spend some time journalling and reviewing what I already know. I will take up my Jo Staff and see what I can recall of that so that I am ready for training tonight.

After working out some of my frustrations and nervousness, I have to say I kind of miss the odd non-relationship I had with Levi. I am not very good at being mad at someone. So I headed over to Mandy's for some lunch. First time in a while that I was there without him. I must have appeared sad and pathetic the way Mandy looked at me. 

As I left and was pondering what to do next..... GAK! The Technocrats texted me. They want to have a meeting for coffee and talking and "plotting" whatever that means. 3pm at Second Cup on Sherbrooke near McGill University. They said Levi would be there. I might be mad at him, but I am not that mad at him to leave him to that alone. I agree to go. And then... Levi texts me about this 3pm meeting. Nice of him to include me this time. I let him know that I already know of it.... wait.... They want us for what? BACKUP!?! WTF?! Levi doesn't know why... or so he says. I send Dad a text about the meeting....... just in case I get killed or something. AND, I remind myself that I am NOT angry at Levi. A bit distrusting, but not mad. At the moment... he is all I have out here magically speaking.

That kind of sounds pathetic... like I have no other friends, nor a girlfriend or boyfriend.... 

UGH... I don't.... sigh....

I sat on our apartment stairs considering us... Levi and I. What inspired me to be bold enough to ask if he needed a roommate? What was the common ground... other than magic? RIGHT! The fountain pen! That seemed like a good way to start fresh on better footing. Maybe it means nothing to him, but starting fresh means something to me. I went in and packed my bag, kiss Brighid and let her know where I was going, grabbed the Art of Peace and my journal.... considered my Jo Staff, but I was taking the metro and the Jo staff was a bit conspicuous. I headed out early. My goal? Popped into Asiatica for some specialty tea, then up to Nota Bene for some new writing supplies and peace offerings before settling into the Second Cup. I arrived early, very early, like a couple hours early.

No... it doesn't get better....

Note to self.... Levi is the WORST NON-RELATIONSHIP NON-BOYFRIEND EVER!

Levi lied to me about almost everything about himself and why he is here. With some good reasons. Magical blow up the world paradox crap. I still hate being lied to and hate being hedged into someone's box before I have consented..... Yet here I am... in the fucking box.

After meeting with my teacher and trying to pretend the brunch never happened, I picked up Levi and headed back home to order seriously not good for me food... pizza. I needed pizza. PIZZA! It has all the food groups, is magical like the sacred circle, and is super grounding. I needed serious grounding food.

Levi has been spying on Blythe. Blythe... The technocrat with the mom-vibe and a family. He thinks Blythe will defect. HA! I DON'T THINK SO!

This is a terrible day........

And it doesn't get better........

After much too much pizza, I felt grounded enough to do my work shift on the ambulance. 8pm - 4am. Blessedly boring.

I got back home and poked in on Levi to see if he wanted to go thru to the Sanctuary with me to look for my dad.

Oh... and get this... MY DAD KNEW ALL THIS SHIT ALREADY!!!

I needed to make tea. 

I gave dad hell for being out of touch and unreachable. HE SHOULD CHECK HIS MESSAGES ONCE IN A WHILE! What if I was dying in a ditch trying to reach him?! Or shot my Mr. Riley Military Technocrassassin.

I gave Dad my journalled notes detailing the chaos of the day's meeting with the Technocrats.

Levi is a bit confused by a variety of...  oh whatever. He might have had his mind wiped or as it is called partially sanitized.... SUCK!

I give up for now. Back to my Sanctuary hut. Levi bunks on the futon. Blessedly, I have Brighid to snuggle with and I get some much needed good sleep.

Levi... clearly is not sleeping well.

Post trauma meeting....

November 1 & 2

Tae wishes he had some brain bleach..... He meditated and had tea in his car, refocused. He then went to the event at Concordia in EV main floor to work as the EMT on standby for a few hours. Checked his messages to see if Dad got back to him or if his professor has approved his thesis. Zip on both accounts. He grabbed some dinner from Nilufar and donated to the donation board as he always does when he goes there. A drive to the Glen and into his employee parking spot... more meditation and tea. 8pm to 4am he was assigned to an ambulance. As soon as he got off his shift, he texted Levi...

~ Levi... you still alive?
 

---------------------------------------------------------------

LEVI [10:51 AM]
If all is well (ish... as well as can be), Tae will take Brighid with him thru the portal to Terra Perma and sleep in his house there. If when he wakes around lunch, he STILL has no news from dad, then he is going into the Horizon Realm to look for him because ... He needs answers.

Levi sits in his room, in front of his computer, still yet to sleep. His fingers prod at a controller in his hands while he stares vacantly at the screen. He is playing Four Swords Adventures. It doesn't feel the same. The situation is worse than he thought. Proteus itself was an immense threat; the knowledge the Nephandi were planning to twist it to their destructive whims was much, much worse. His phone buzzes. He checks it, and replies to Tae.

~ Yeah, I'm still alive

---------------------------------------------------------------

Before Tae heads to Terra Perma thru the portal, he looks in on Levi. So much of what he thot he knew or understand of his newish roommate is no longer valid. He thot that maybe Levi was way older and way more experienced, sent on some grand mission to team up with his parents and their mentors and Julie. There was this... almost deferral/acceptance of him so immediately that Tae accepted trust.

Now he knows that Levi was indeed put here on a mission but was like a timeloop timebomb waiting to go boom and doom us to repetition. Sent on a Mission by someone who may well be psychologically unstable to begin with. And to boot... Levi really is just a barely-past-his-teen kid that he looks, lacking the training and experience I thot he had. My trust in him has been deeply shaken.

And yet my honor code keep me from being mad about this, keeps me in a state of wanting to protect him in some way... even if I am only a few years older. Levi is just as trapped, maybe moreso, than Tae is in this mess.

Tae won't question him. He doesn't want to risk setting off the timeloop bomb that is Levi still for the next 5 days. Instead, he offers for Levi to come to Terra Perma and crash in the quiet till they can reach Tae's parents or Andrew or someone there for more information... because seriously... WTF !

What the Ever Living Fuck?!

 November 1st, 2017

I could hardly sleep... so I stayed up most of the night finishing the last edits (what I hope are the last edits) of my thesis. Levi was off to his ungodly 8:30am class. Yet another reason I go to Concordia. Very few people are that insane to have a class at that early hour.

Magical Summer

 Summer 2017

Over the spring, I moved in with Levi. I set up my rooms... maybe a dozen times till they felt... right. I performed all the rituals of cleansing (without damaging what Levi set in as a protection), blessing, and even my own protections. 

Andrew came over several times. He established a much stronger and more permanent magical "shield" for our apartment. He also turned by unused Study Room closet into a dual portal. COOLEST THING EVER! Turn the door handle in this particular pattern and the closet is a portal to Terra Perma's Dojo (also called the Wellness Center). Turn the door handle in that particular pattern and the closet is a portal directly into Seiiki... to the door of my sanctuary house: Ár Tearmann. 

My 1-week intensive course at Concordia was amazing. AMAZING! I loved it. I barely had time to breathe during it. So worth every minute.

I poked and begged Andrew for summer training in the Magical Arts... or at least in DO. It didn't happen. He was likely too busy with everyone else working on their Resistance thing. I didn't get invited to any other talks of it. I worried that maybe I pissed someone off. The summer passed as usual. I was dragged into the usual normal building projects at Terra Perma. I managed to beg my way out of going to Kaleidoscope Gathering.... and believe it or not... I missed it.

I thot I would learn more about Levi over the summer, but he is more of a lockbox than a Chinese torture puzzle box. Impossible to open. Mandy still teases me about him, but no... nothing is going on between us. So nothing that I feel ... more lonely than when at my parents. Maybe edged on a bits scared with all the talk that was during April. The normalcy of the summer felt weird. Levi was often away, tho not always in class. What was he doing?

What I did figure out about him was a mix of interesting and disappointing. Levi practices a form of "hedge" Hermetics. It has traces of the stuffy precision and doctrines to symbols... but then he deviates into ... for lack of a better term... instinctual practice. When I asked, he said that he studies some Hermetics, then the rest he was self-taught. He is younger than me by a few years, yet I had originally thot he was far more experienced than I. I thot he was more advanced in his magical training... or that he was on some kind of special magical mission, that it carried the respect of others... is he? Or is he just as lost or more so than I am? Why were the others so... differential? cautious? odd around him?

Such were the lonely unanswered questions as September courses began. He seemed equally, if not more so, delinquent about his fall studies. I offered to help him. McGill is often unforgiving of low grading students. It compromises their rank as a Canadian Elite University. I don't have courses, just thesis writing... and rewriting... and rewriting.... 

And then we come up on Summer's End. Samhain. I decided to go to one of the local Pagan community public rituals. This was one of the most powerful rituals I have attended. The circle has a dividing line across the middle. We were plunged into darkness as the ancestors were called. I was certain there were many Awakened here. I tried to ignore my Awakened senses and just... BE. Candles were lit and somehow in the darkness the dividing line became an erected veil. In the shadows around the room selected people sung a beautiful yet ominous song that called our souls, tugged our hearts, bade us to remember the loved ones we have lost... We were to approach the veil and touch, speak their names, whisper the words we wish to say to them. I walked up to the veil... I whispered, "Eyri.... I miss you. You showed me it was ok to ... love another man. I wish... I wish you remembered how much I loved you. I wish... I wish I was there when your world stopped holding meaning." I wanted to say more... but I could not around the tears that choked me. I never told my parents of him. I never told anyone. They didn't know him. He had begged me to keep our relationship secret. I did. I still do even 3 years after his suicide. This was the first time since then that ... he suddenly dominated my thots. Was it because I worried I felt something for Levi? Was I worried I was betraying me feelings for Eyri? It was time to let him go... and that hurt. I wept hard... but not alone. My grief was washed by one of the priests or priestesses at this ritual. I was held till I found internal peace again. Samhain is the end of a cycle. Tomorrow... is the beginning of a new year.

Blessed Be, my first love, Eyri

Awkward! (part 2)

April 12th, 2017

Breakfast at Mandy's. I was up early. I even drove in along the Lakeshore for the slow enjoyment of the view. My nervousness is stupid. I brought Brighid along, since she likes the location and Mandy and her lady love adore her. Levi texted me that he was up. I was driving and could not text back. He still was there before me, just about 9:30am almost 10am. 5033 Sherbrooke West.

I came in with Brighid... she usually does the socializing for me.

 We sat. He had coffee. I had tea. We had light breakfasts. I am glad Mandy knows to skip the cilantro from anything I am served. While I am not vegan, nor vegetarian, i like this place. It is LGBTQ open and friendly without being flamboyant, crass, edgy, or crowded.

We... attempted small talk. OMG! I suck as small talk! This is the most awkward experience I had ever had. We managed to eat and... I learned Levi had a 6 1/2 apartment, upper duplex. So... we can each have a bedroom and training/study room. He has a parking spot I can use, but we will still get a resident parking sticker for my RAV.

Mandy and her girlfriend watched us and winked at me like... I brought in my first boyfriend for a first date after only sort of coming out. I haven't even come out to my parents yet. And he is NOT my boyfriend. And this is NOT a date.

Trying to not want the ground to swallow me whole, Levi talked about needing to do a driving test, whereby I offered to help him. Awkward ... painfully awkward small talk with equally painfully awkward silent pauses.... long ones. He mentioned he was still putting together his Ikea furniture. I offered to help him.

Levi needed to go attend to things. I took a huge breath of relief after he left. And I managed to escape without Mandy prodding me for more details or congratulating me too much. She did hope I would be around with him more often. I hinted that it was likely since he lives around the corner and I was going to be moving in with him.

Somehow... we didn't quite hammer out details. Important details. Like... when can I move in? What is my expected rent? Are there magical faux-pas I ought to be aware of? Are there any house rules?

Exasperated with my own incompetence, I drove to Levi's and boldly parked int he driveway. What? I was going to be living there soon and this way I didn't have to fight for parking or pay for parking. I left Brighid to enjoy Levi's porch till I returned. I walked over to the GLEN from here to check on my schedule and to arrange for me not being available during the one-week intensive course I was going to take.

By the time I was done and got back to Levi's, he was home and Brighid already inside exploring her new residence.

I took a quick walk through. Nice. Levi wanted to ward the place and seemed to struggle with what would work and not piss off or terrify the landlord. I suggested white on white paint then painted over it. We could go to Reno or Canadian Tire or Hogg's for paint. Levi still wanted a preliminary ward in place. I offered to help but... it didn't seem like he needed me. I just... watched... feeling a bit left out... as usual. It was still interesting. It seemed Hermetic. He did not however come across as someone who was one of those stuffy snobby Hermetics. It was a silent bastardized creative form of Hermetics... very eclectic. I doubt the Hermetics like him for that.He just made a circle with sigils then pushed his willpower into it and expanded it to be a shield about the apartment. I probably should have warned Brighid. She let out a surprised meow when the wave of energy passed thru her.

It was definitely interesting just the same.

Again I state... NO... no Levi is NOT my boyfriend. I hardly know him.

Awkward! (part 1)

April 12th, 2017

The conversation of war and ethical quandary of the AI dampened my excitement of the creation of our astral sanctuary. I had this awful feeling a over-perfection... and quiet before a cataclysmic storm. I did not like this feeling and desperately wanted to go home.

I felt the need to breathe some polluted Montreal air and remind myself of the real everyday living concerns that keep the magical world running still.

I hollered my intention to go home to my parents and headed back to the Dojo in the sanctuary. Levi was still there, having just finished his meditation. I must have had pent up riled energy in me. as we talked a little about university. He's going to McGill, in Psychology. I am so embarrassed! I ranted off, heedless of reaction, about how unethical the school was and why and about how the classes are 300-600+ students, especially for a Psych 101 class. And he is just starting his very first university session this spring....... He must think I am an angry, opinionated ass..... Not the impression I ever wanted to give. UGH!!

I did manage to offer him a ride to his home once we got back to mine since he was heading back as well and didn't have his own ride. Once back in Senneville, I double checked everything was locked up and then put my gear in the RAV and Brighid's travel bed, since she is welcome with me as often as possible.

Awkward... silent 30min drive. I should have put on music or something.

Levi lives in the upper duplex at 373 Claremont in Westmount(ish) below Sherbrooke and north of Vendome Metro. It is close to places I frequent for school and close to my work with the GLEN. Maybe I will drive up and down the streets looking to see if there is a for rent sign. I love the area... but rents here are ... a bit... high... to rent alone. Anyhow, we changes cell contacts. I think his iphone is a techno-magic-y thing. I wonder what magic-y things it can do.

Off to Starbucks for hot water to make tea in to calm myself from all the excitement, good and bad, from the last 24hrs. I did a preliminary search here but found nothing for rent. I reviewed the course I am taking. Registration for it is on Friday (in 2 days), so in my excited anticipation, I popped into Bureau en Gros to bought some fresh supplies.

What will be my course? Sustainable Futures: Exploring Your Own Sustainability Path for Society. It is a ONE-week intensive. May 29th - June 2nd. 4 days 9am-4pm in lectures and activities with people across the curriculums and with specialists from around the world. Ending with a day of student presentations... and a 20-page paper. One week for 3 graduate degree credits. I am so looking forward to it.

Remembering Levi's fountain pen and leatherbound book, I hoped to find something like them in Bureau en Gros. Nothing. Why did I even think there would be? *humph!*

I braved sending him a text: I like your fountain pen.

There was no reply for a while. Not sure what I expected. So I went home. Back home with my usual lonely time, I had dinner with Brighid. I worked out; I took myself thru the katas and meditations, the exercises, and all my training. It takes up a few hours.

He finally texted me back. And we exchanged a few flirting texts about fountain pens. I showed him a pic of mine and he a pic of his. Ooh-lala. 

My Jinhao and my personal tool... a teacup... on my scrappy crappy journal. 

We were pen flirting and it was fun. He has a Lamy.

I finished up my workout and was almost asleep when I braved to text him again asking about school... minus my nasty opinion. He has only been in Montreal for a couple week and only just got an apartment. I told him plainly how lucky he was as I was still searching for one.

WOOT! Levi invited me to move it! CRAZY!

No... crazy was me inviting him to breakfast at Mandy's. Pardon while I freak out. I invited him to BREAKFAST! It was just to confirm that he was serious about being roommates and to maybe talk and plan and ... well... we don;t know much about each other.