Magical Summer

 Summer 2017

Over the spring, I moved in with Levi. I set up my rooms... maybe a dozen times till they felt... right. I performed all the rituals of cleansing (without damaging what Levi set in as a protection), blessing, and even my own protections. 

Andrew came over several times. He established a much stronger and more permanent magical "shield" for our apartment. He also turned by unused Study Room closet into a dual portal. COOLEST THING EVER! Turn the door handle in this particular pattern and the closet is a portal to Terra Perma's Dojo (also called the Wellness Center). Turn the door handle in that particular pattern and the closet is a portal directly into Seiiki... to the door of my sanctuary house: Ár Tearmann. 

My 1-week intensive course at Concordia was amazing. AMAZING! I loved it. I barely had time to breathe during it. So worth every minute.

I poked and begged Andrew for summer training in the Magical Arts... or at least in DO. It didn't happen. He was likely too busy with everyone else working on their Resistance thing. I didn't get invited to any other talks of it. I worried that maybe I pissed someone off. The summer passed as usual. I was dragged into the usual normal building projects at Terra Perma. I managed to beg my way out of going to Kaleidoscope Gathering.... and believe it or not... I missed it.

I thot I would learn more about Levi over the summer, but he is more of a lockbox than a Chinese torture puzzle box. Impossible to open. Mandy still teases me about him, but no... nothing is going on between us. So nothing that I feel ... more lonely than when at my parents. Maybe edged on a bits scared with all the talk that was during April. The normalcy of the summer felt weird. Levi was often away, tho not always in class. What was he doing?

What I did figure out about him was a mix of interesting and disappointing. Levi practices a form of "hedge" Hermetics. It has traces of the stuffy precision and doctrines to symbols... but then he deviates into ... for lack of a better term... instinctual practice. When I asked, he said that he studies some Hermetics, then the rest he was self-taught. He is younger than me by a few years, yet I had originally thot he was far more experienced than I. I thot he was more advanced in his magical training... or that he was on some kind of special magical mission, that it carried the respect of others... is he? Or is he just as lost or more so than I am? Why were the others so... differential? cautious? odd around him?

Such were the lonely unanswered questions as September courses began. He seemed equally, if not more so, delinquent about his fall studies. I offered to help him. McGill is often unforgiving of low grading students. It compromises their rank as a Canadian Elite University. I don't have courses, just thesis writing... and rewriting... and rewriting.... 

And then we come up on Summer's End. Samhain. I decided to go to one of the local Pagan community public rituals. This was one of the most powerful rituals I have attended. The circle has a dividing line across the middle. We were plunged into darkness as the ancestors were called. I was certain there were many Awakened here. I tried to ignore my Awakened senses and just... BE. Candles were lit and somehow in the darkness the dividing line became an erected veil. In the shadows around the room selected people sung a beautiful yet ominous song that called our souls, tugged our hearts, bade us to remember the loved ones we have lost... We were to approach the veil and touch, speak their names, whisper the words we wish to say to them. I walked up to the veil... I whispered, "Eyri.... I miss you. You showed me it was ok to ... love another man. I wish... I wish you remembered how much I loved you. I wish... I wish I was there when your world stopped holding meaning." I wanted to say more... but I could not around the tears that choked me. I never told my parents of him. I never told anyone. They didn't know him. He had begged me to keep our relationship secret. I did. I still do even 3 years after his suicide. This was the first time since then that ... he suddenly dominated my thots. Was it because I worried I felt something for Levi? Was I worried I was betraying me feelings for Eyri? It was time to let him go... and that hurt. I wept hard... but not alone. My grief was washed by one of the priests or priestesses at this ritual. I was held till I found internal peace again. Samhain is the end of a cycle. Tomorrow... is the beginning of a new year.

Blessed Be, my first love, Eyri