Week 3 in HR

November 26th - December 2nd (even of the Full Moon)

What a week last week was. Each day, tho, brought me more stability. Day by day things improved. In a way I need to thank Blythe, and apologize to her.

Maybe I can do that this week.

December 2nd

At breakfast... OMG I am so hungry!! Before breakfast, I popped over to the real world to check if I passed and will graduate. HUZZAH! YES!! That makes my morning! Off to breakfast to sate my growling stomach. Andrew came in with Zatafax. He offered for me to return to Montreal if I want to. OF COURSE I DO! ... but I might have to deal with trouble there and... kill. 

NOPE! It was a very flat and firm NO. 

Clearly no one heard me nor listened the entire time leading up to today........

Maybe if I have to defend myself or protect others, ok. But not purposely shoved into a situation where I am obliged to that. NO! What part of I AM A HEALER did you miss? I am not compromising myself again.

The issue got dropped and I got to brood with my breakfast. I took a few deep breaths and let it go.

After breakfast we went to Blythe's for a visit. Darsh arrived. Who? Oh... Riley and Blythe's "handler". Well that was surreal and like right out of a movie. "There have been developments. An operation is set up." he wants our help with it. 

Well fuck....

Andrew knew. It wasn't just a maybe... it was a known plan. When invited to Montreal, this is NOT what I thot. Manipulated again!

NO!

I politely excuse myself and walk out.

Outside I breathe in the crisp air. Yes, I want to be a healer. Yes, I want to help them. I do NOT want to fight and kill. I want to be their HEALER! How many times to I have to say it?!?!

Crown, Chu/Duty/Loyalty & more Quintessence

November 25th

This is the last day of this process. The day is devoted to working with Quintessence. Gathering more of it and moving it into a quartz crystal. This is essentially how a quintessence battery is made. It is a LOT of work and I have myself a headache doing it. But... BUT!!! I DID IT! I power-packed a quartz!I actually feel cool today.

Day 7 is about the Crown Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Chu, Duty & Loyalty. This chakra is all about spirituality and enlightenment. The virtue is about being true to the people/things I am responsible for. That will take some thot.

I spent a lot of time in the white gi training in the dojo or working with the Zen garden again. I am doing a lot of thinking today. The quartz stone goes everywhere with me as I jam all the Quintessence I can into it. My tea today is very simple. Two Dove Silver Needle is a very high quality light white tea. I wonder if I confused Levi when I brought over a small tea service. I put my finger to my lips to indicate this was to remain in silence. I did tea ceremony for him with this white tea. Then I bowed deeply to him for honoring me by accepting my tea. This gave me an idea for later. Part of the Oath of the Healer's Path was to Mourn the tragedy. I will set up an ancestral shrine for myself... maybe for everyone. Today is a day of fasting. I had only tea, water, rice and a little fish. I gathered some ginko leaves to decorate my ritual space as I had done with the momiji leaves before, and pressed a few as well. 

This chakra is blocked by addictions and attachments. I will let these go; I will mourn them... but everything changes. That is the only constant.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND.

I ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT TO LET GO.

That is also a spiritual act. I walked out to the stone cairn I built and set out a small offering dish with some sweet jasmine rice in it. With it I put a another little quartz that I had and lit a small candle in a little lantern. I knelt and bowed my head down till the candle was completely burned. This was for my ancestors, but also for the recent lives lost. It was also for the loss of the way of life we have all had to give up.

And so concludes my seven days of chakras and virtues.

Third Eye, Makoto & Quintessence

November 24th

Today is a sensing day. I do a practice of seeing and sensing everything all over for practice. I am especially working with Quintessence today. I want to know how much I can hold, move, and store in a quartz stone. The last I will do tomorrow. First I start with sensing. Elements, substances, spiritual energies and entities, and quintessence. I do a LOT of meditating and drawing in of quintessence. Well... look at that. I can hold a lot of quintessence. Mum and Dad confirmed that like duh... I should know that because I work with Prime like Dad. *facepalm*

Today is Day 6 where I work with the Third Eye Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Makato, Honesty & Sincerity. In hindsight. Jin/Compassion should have been done with the Heart Chakra and this on should have been done with the Throat Chakra. 

Third Eye Chakra is about sight, psychic abilities, intuition, inspiration, perception, and thot. This is why I spent the day sensing and seeing with Forces, Prime, and Spirit. The virtue is rather self-explanatory. Be honest and sincere. Keep your word. Mean what you say and say what you mean. 

This is my favorite chakra for the colors of indigo and violet. I wore black pants, a lavender/lilac shirt with a deep indigo sweater. I love sweater season! The stones are iolite (seeing/understanding the inner self, hope and peace in difficult times, tranquility, and guidance), fluorite (an amplifier of ones abilities, but holds no power of its own), and amethyst (Mental power, meditation, honor, focus, psychic abilities, relaxation, and peace). I set the iolite and amethyst on my bamboo table but carried my fluorite about to help me. Today's tea is an herbal blend of mint, lemon balm, stevia, blue butterfly pea flower, and bamboo with a squirt of lemon that makes it change color and be purple. This is the twins favorite fun color changing tea. For the fun of it and to hopefully see Levi smile, I made some for him to let him watch it change color. Gotta love chemistry. This is a very light flavored tea. As for food today, I stuck with just the tea for breakfast. Lunch was also light, purple cabbage with salt and butter only. Supper was fish and purple rice with some purple cauliflower. I am grateful my family is enduring my week of self-care. Ohhh... Mum made sushi with the purple rice! HUZZAH! Thank you Mum!

I have spent the day perceiving things and puzzling out the logic of the situation we are all in. I am avoiding doing any divination because I know that will be disastrous. It could be terrifyingly accurate or terrifyingly wrong. 

My right is my mantra:

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE... to see the truth.

In my ritual space, I sit and meditate on this with the other stones. I have the right to see... that is because this chakra is about illusions. Everything is connected. I accept this and will endeavour to see past the deceptions to the truth. May I not be deceived by the illusions put forth to manipulate me.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE THE TRUTH.

Throat, Jin/Compassion & Family

November 23rd

This is a day I spend with family. I will go hunting with my dad... not that I hunt much. I use a bow when I do. I practices healing at a distance while we hunted. I considered asking Riley along. I think he would enjoy the hunting, tho might get frustrated with me healing our prey. It is good practice for me. As this is so early in the morning... OMG too early!... I have the rest of the day. The morning was devoted to being with Dad. I will help him out in any projects he is doing this morning. The afternoon is devoted to Mum. That inevitable means Do training and Jo training, but it also means tea ceremony and meditations and the making of herbal remedies. Crafting medicines.

Today is day 5 and focuses on the Throat Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Jin, Compassion. The Throat is connected to the mouth, nose, and ears. It is for listening and communicating... and sometimes just holding silence. Gin is about helping and being compassionate, always and with all beings.

Today I wear blues, my blue jeans and light blue shirt with a heavier jacket because of the morning hunting. When I am with Mum, I wear my lighter blue gi. The stones I took out today are sodalite (creativity, easing fears and doubts, communication, inner peace, mind over body) and blue lace agate (improves memory, soothes and calms, happiness, brings focus), which I keep in my pockets. I hunted up lavender, mint, and eucalyptus and hung bundles in my ritual space for the smells. Today's tea is a ginseng oolong with blue butterfly pea flowers, sweetened with honey. It is a very BLUE tea. I will share some with Levi and hold silence with him for a break in my training with Mum. Breakfast was blueberry waffles with blueberry syrup. Lunch was a very light salad with shrimps and lemon vinegrette. Supper was fun. I made blue rice to go with whatever dad made for dinner.

Throat Chakra is about truth, listening, and communicating. It is also about responsibility. Communicating is always difficult for me. Even if this chakra's right is...

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK... AND BE HEARD!

But no one seems to ever listen to me. I keep trying to tell people that I do not want to kill, to fight... I am a healer. I want to be a healer. I WANT TO BE A HEALER! CAN YOU HEAR ME! I WANT TO BE A HEALER! I stand in front of my hut and yell to the sky.

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT AND KILL! I WANT TO BE A HEALER!

Can anyone hear me? Is anyone listening?

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK AND BE HEARD!

I sit a long time in my ritual space after that just being quiet and breathing, trying not to feel like i am being choked to death by what people think are my responsibilities.

This chakra is blocked by lies, especially those we tell ourselves. What am I lying about? ......

So be it. I am not ok. I am not coping well. I am trying but I am not ok. I cannot do this. I cannot be what they want me to be. I can only be me... a healer.

... Let me be a healer... please.... hear me... listen to me....

Heart, Meiyo/Honor, Sleep

November 22nd

O...M...F...G... I am sore from yesterday! Andrew is a hard but amazing teacher. I think I will just sleep in today. Oh yes! Sleep! That is something I want to work on today. Not me sleeping.... Trying to put creatures to sleep and awaken them at a distance. Today thus was lots of relaxed breathing meditation. I did some raking in the Zen Garden out front. Mom would be proud, I hope. I don't usually use it. I also collected stones and other things and hauled some sand out to a field where I worked on a walking labyrinth.

Here is the model: 

 

And here is roughly what I ended up with:

I hope everyone enjoys it. I sat in the middle of it and just breathed once I was done. Afterwards, I walked about with Brighid and practiced putting animals to sleep and waking them at a distance to see if I can even do it. Well... look at that! I can!! That will be helpful.

BREATHE!

The Heart Chakra is Day 4, as well as the Bushido Virtue of Meiyo, Honor. This is a chakra about Air, breath, compassion, love and loss. The virtue of Honor is close to that of Integrity. It is to live honorably, act honorably, be truthful to oneself. 

I wore greens today with a pink shirt under my forest green sweater. In hindsight, I wish I had thot to add a sakura tree to my part of this HR. Somewhere, my mother must have. There are roses at least. And mint. I collected a bit of both to add to my silky oolong tea for the day. I set a mug of this tea by Levi will he was deeply engross in his own journalling. Part of me wanted to hug him for no reason. I didn't tho. I hugged my parents instead, then went on about my day. Maybe later I will hug Levi and tell him that he is not alone... in case he feels alone. Today I carried malachite (Success, motherly love, protection, peace and hope, and the warding off of negativity) and rose quartz (love and friendship, inner beauty, self-confidence) with me, but left a moonstone (love and bonding, sacredness, connecting emotional and creative selves, compassion, caring, and healing the heart) on the bamboo table for later. I kept breakfast light, eggs in a fluffy croissant and some fruit salad. Lunch was just salad. I made dinner this evening of stirfy veggies with chicken and rice with mint. I am deeply craving pasta, but not till I am done with these chakras. My snacks today were pistachio nuts. 

BREATHE....

Today's mantras are obviously to BREATHE. But it is also to be honorable. 

HONOR IS THE LAW... what I live by...

And the right...

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE... and to be loved.

This evening, I spend some time just snuggling Brighid in my ritual space. Love and being loved. This chakra is also about grief. I give myself some time to grieve for Eyri. Oh how I miss him. But also to let him go. I have loved. I have lost. I am also not alone here. One day... hopefully I will love again. 

I go to bed early tonight and let a breathing meditation carry me off to sleep.

Solar Plexus, Yu/Heroic Courage & ACTION!

November 21st

Today is a fiery day! Today is SPICY! It is an action packed day as I am spending most of the day training with Mom and Andrew. I will work out tension ... or get it worked out of me. Today the chakra and the virtue align well together. Holy cow.....

Today is Day 3 with the Solar Plexus Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Yu, Heroic Courage. I don;t consider myself very heroic, even tho I am often called a hero by people when I am being an EMT. First Responders are heroes, I suppose. I just don't see myself that way. It is all about Fire today.

I have a fall colors.... I just don't always wear them. I made a point to dress like a Gryffendor today for just this purpose... oh and to make the twins squee. I also set up the outdoor lanterns with candles that I will light this evening. I placed a large citrine stone (health, protection, and projection) and amber (power and energy) from my trunk on my bamboo table, but pocketed the tiger eye (courage, confidence, protection, inner and outer strength, decision-making). I have decided to do that rite of passage today. It is the New Moon. I made spicy chai coffee. I rarely like coffee, but sometimes you need a blended something for a helluva kick. I kept some of that constantly available at the dojo while we trained.

Breakfast will be spiced eggs wrapped in tortillas. Lunch will be fried dumplings with spicy dipping sauce. Poking Dad for a hearty spicy dinner with chicken. Dessert will have to be yogourt and bananas to save me from the spiciness. Snack was popcorn! Cheesy and spicy popcorn. 

The Root Chakra is about power, confidence, taking action, control and self-control, willpower, and personal strength. It builds on yesterday nicely. Today I take action. That is the mantra for the day and the associate right.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ACT!

I made sure to light the lanterns about my home. I brought the brazier outside for a rite later. Action that I will take. 

For now I consider Heroic Courage as I so a moving meditation on my tatami mats of my ritual space indoors. Heroic courage is not blind. It challenges and questions. It stands up to those you might admire most when you feel things are just wrong. It is using inner strength and intelligence. It is not giving up just because things get hard. It is acting when you must, even if you are afraid, acting despite fear.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ACT!

This chakra is blocked and challenged by shame and disappointment. What am I ashamed of? I am ashamed of stepping off my path and not being true to myself. There are better ways I could have handled the situation we were in. There had to be. There had to be a way to not compromise who I am. I cannot undo what was done, but I can bloody well commit to not repeat it!

With conviction, I get some rice paper and set up calligraphy on the bamboo table. On the rice paper, i write the Oath of the Healer's Path. I wanted someone there to witness my vows... but I suppose it does not matter. 

That evening, a brazier is lit behind my hut and shines brightly with candlelit lanterns about to guide anyone to the Japanese Maple Tree and the little stone circle I built behind my place. Whether anyone show up there or not. I go outside with the scroll of rice paper. I open it and read from it the Oath of the Healer's Path:

"I am Tae. I am a healer!
I swear this oath to all the gods and beings that may witness me.
I walk the path of the healer.
I swear to treat the afflicted.
I swear to cleanse impurity.
I swear to mourn in tragedy.
I am a HEALER!
And I will never stray from this path again.
SO MOTE IT BE!"

I burn the scroll in the brazier's fire that is scented with ginger, cinnamon, and other hot spices. With a couple breaths, I reach into and collect some of the ashes, managing my Life Sphere to heal any burns I might incur. Then I anoints myself with those ashes, comfortable that I swore a sacred oath with my soul.

Navel, Rei/Respect & Altering Self

November 20th

Today is a day of pleasures. I rake more leaves from the trails and when no one is looking, jump in them myself! Just for the fun of it. And well, then rerake them, of course. I spend time playing with Brighid, too. I read for the fun of it. What am I reading?

The Art of Peace by Morihei Ueshiba

Yes, that is what I read for fun. I enjoy it and learn something new with every reading.

"Eight forces sustain creation:
Movement and stillness,
Solidification and fluidity,
Extension and contraction,
Unification and division."

Another passage I have I found stood out is:

"The Art of Peace is to fulfill that which is lacking."

We are at war and I am that which is lacking. I am the healer. They are the fighters. I will be needed to help heal them and keep them alive while they fight. Healing is not just physical, but mental and emotional and spiritual. I wonder if there are any monks in the other HR that Andrew shows me. Is it ridiculous to think of adding spirituality to my healing? Learning more Spirit Sphere? I will come back to that thot when I get to the Crown Chakra.

Today I spent the day practicing, practicing, practicing..... literally reviewing everything I know and doing the things that are fun.

Today is Day 2 and I am working on the Navel Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Rei, Respect. I shift from the earthiness of the Root Chakra to the wateriness of the Navel.

I am wearing an orange shirt under my turquoise sweater. It is the intent that counts. Orange makes me look ill...... Orange and watery things are the colors of the Navel Chakra. My exercising and reviewing is focused on the hips and groin. This would be a perfect time to have sex! Except I have no one to have sex with but myself............ SIGH! Well.... I can do the wild thing and take one cold chilly swim in the pond before it freezes.

Yup... did that. Not doing that again. AIYEEE! COLD!!!

Instead, I got crafty. I made cloven oranges with the children. Smells so good. Yesterday I forgot to journal that I burned styrax and oakmoss and myrrh for incense. Today, the cloven oranges will scent my ritual space. 

This chakra is about pleasure (often sexual, but not always), emotions and passions, creativity, fertility, and self-worth. While the earthy Root Chakra is about being the rock, this is about being flexible and adaptive, being fluid. Going with the flow. This time from my lithomancy kit, I took out carnelian (restores vitality and motivation, and stimulates creativity) and aquamarine (helps invoke tolerance and a sense of calm in stressful situations). I think I will keep these in my pockets and meditate on them more this evening. Today's tea is a rooibos heavily flavored with orange and clove. I call it sex in a cup. Dare I say that out loud? Let's toss my shyness aside for a moment and see what happens, likely nothing but I will be able to say I took courage and did it.

I make a cup of the tea in the morning at breakfast and hand it to Levi, "Hey... here is some sweetened sex in a cup."

Nothing came of it. I think he was just baffled.

Breakfast was on me today and was pancakes with orange drizzle, maple bacon, cubes of cheese, and fresh peaches and oranges. Enjoy! Lunch was butternut squash soup with coconut milk. Supper I made at my hut. Wanton soup. Dessert was to be a sweet hot custard. My snacks were all fruity mixed with carob chips and pecans. Decadent as far as I am concerned.

The rights of this chakra are:

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL... TO FEEL PLEASURE.

My emotions are valid. And it is ok to want to enjoy myself now and then. And that is what this day is devoted to, things I enjoy... Like crafting cloven oranges with the kids and being a bit wild in the woods. 

Looking at today's Bushido Virtue, I have a few mantras to keep in mind. Other than the obvious one from the Root Chakra. 

True strength comes from enduring difficult times. 

Respect is about showing respect and never being cruel, not even to one's enemies..... even Felicity who tried to impress me with her abilities with Forces. She started with Levitation. Sorry but nope, Levi already did that and it was way cooler when he did. She then send a shockwave at a mountain in the distance. Again, nope... sorry... Andrew already did that with a tree. It was way cooler when he did it. I will ignore her today because I do not want to be cruel and this is the best way to stay respectful.

True strength comes from enduring difficult times.

After dinner, I practiced with my night vision again. I took a LONG hot water soak to wash myself clean of everything. I choose to sit in meditation naked and air dry in the ritual space with the smells of orange and close surrounding me. The carnelian and the aquamarine are on the table with my tea and my journal. Masturbating crossed my mind, but... hmm... nah..... Just not that fun. Even if the Navel Chakra right is about feeling and feeling pleasure. I can accept being sexually frustrated as I get much much more out of being emotionally involved and making love than just sex. Instead I let my body feel the air as I had let it feel the water. 

In my journal, I addressed the challenge of what blocks this chakra. Guilt. What do I blame myself for? I blame myself for...... for not being there enough for Eyri, for missing the signs that he was suicidal, for not saving him. He was my first love, the first guy I was open to, kissed, had sex with, loved. 

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL! MY EMOTIONS ARE VALID!

And the reality is, I likely never would have been able to save him. The reality is that I didn't and he is now gone, no longer suffering whatever he suffered in his soul. I cannot let it poison me, cloud me, and keep me from reaching out. I can... forgive myself of this. 

I look down again at the cuts and runes marking my arms.... He had them too. I will not follow him down that path. True strength comes from enduring difficult times. I can and will endure! Using my Life Sphere, I will heal them better, especially the runes so those specifically bland better into the Momiji leaf tattoos. I won;t totally alter the cut marks. May they be a reminder of what happened, a reminder to not follow Eyri into oblivion.

Root, Gi/Integrity, & Night Vision

November 19th

Today, I started raking some of the trails. I am making piles that the kids can jump in later when I get them big enough for that kind of fun. I loaned the twins my book 1 of Harry Potter, I hope they enjoy it. I trained some more with Mom and my Jo staff. I hope to one day turn it into something called a Wonder.

I tried to do the Rite of Consecration at a distance on a tree. Not much changed. There wasn't really anything negative about it. Now it is just extra Quintessent and sacred? I get the feeling that I won;t be practicing this in this HR. I don;t want anyone doing dark things here just so I can practice cleansing them. Maybe I will talk to Dad about that later, and see if he knows how to practice that safely or if he can help me learn it. Or... maybe I am being totally stupid and it is just not something that can actually be dine at a distance.

Well, so far that has meant practicing sensing and seeing with Forces and Prime and Spirit lots everywhere. I am almost bored with this aspect. I think next weekend I will go to more energetic places and do all my sensing there to see what I get.

Today is Day 1 of working on Root Chakra and the first Bushido Virtue of Gi (Integrity). That means lots of grounding and earthy stuff....

I wore black pants and a brown sweater and a red scarf. There are my root chakra colors. I focused much of my martial katas and practice on my legs and did a great deal of deep grounding exercises. Oh! And I moved more rocks. I built a stone cairn not far from my Momiji tree and some smaller ones as trail markers for the kids. I dug out of my trunk my hematite stone, jet stone, and my red jasper from my lithomancy kit. I set those on my little bamboo table in the ritual space to work with later. I went back and decided to keep them in my pocket instead. Hematite: grounding and protection, warrior's stone, survival, law & judgment. Red Jasper: grounding and courage, security and stability, drive away evil spirits (well... either the stone doesn't work or there are no actual evil spirits in our HR). Jet: grounding, delving into the mystery for wisdom, healing the damaged soul. By lunch, I put the hematite and jasper back on the bamboo table, but decided to carry the jet stone throughout the day. I collected moss and added it to my rocky garden space i created near the Momiji tree. My tea that I drank throughout the day was a black tea, an earl grey that was heavy on the bergamot and the vanilla, weighed down with cream too. I good grounding tea for me. Often Lapsang Soochong is recommended.... but it tastes like licking a fouled peat bog, no thanks. That would not inspire safety, comfort, or grounding to me. I did eat more heavily today. Good stick to the ribs oatmeal with nuts and red berries. Lunch was a meat sandwich with a grainy bread that I actually struggled to make myself in the morning. It turned out lumpy and very heavy, but also very edible. I hope others like bread. I need not be worried about having a heavy dinner. Dad cooks, so it will be meaty and full of vegetables. I asked for red meat, root veggies and potatoes. I think he started a stew my the smells of things. MMmmm hearty beef and barley stew. Perfect for the root chakra. Thank you Dad! My snacks thru the day have been cranberry almost granola bars smeared with peanut butter. 

I should have started this last week. Just making this my focus today has helped me feel so much more ... me... and at home.

Tonight, I will consider the questions and rights related to the root chakra. Not right now, tho.

Today's mantra has been the Bushido Virtue of Gi, Integrity. Integrity is about being true to yourself, living who you are, walking your talk. Sticking to the commitments and decisions we have made. What is mine? I am a HEALER, not a killer. I won't step off that path again. That is how I can be respected and trusted by others. That is how I can respect myself. So, what exactly my mantra?

I live my life with integrity. I will remain always true to myself.

After dinner, it was VERY dark out as the moon is still mostly dark. I am not afraid of the dark, especially not here. But it did give me a perfect opportunity to practice Seeing in the Dark. WOOHOO! I can SEE IN THE DARK! Hehehe... I have elfy eyes... or cat eyes... however you want to DnD call it. It was a very simple Rite of Night Vision with Forces. 

Once back in my hut, I sat in my ritual space and thot how it would be interesting to share this with Levi. I bet he would be fascinated. I do a firm mental strikethru that I need to stop crushing on what is not and never will be there. I did hand him a cup of the tea. Let him wonder. Otherwise, I shake it out and STOMP STOMP STOMP about the tatami mats. Yes, stomping helps ground and shake thinks off. Tonight's focus is the Root Chakra Right to BE, Right to Exist. Also, to address what blocks this chakra: fear.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST!

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUST BE!

What am I afraid of? Lots of things. Recent events tho have shown me that I am more afraid of losing myself, of no longer being me. That is by far my greatest fear.

INTEGRITY

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ME!

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST!

Integrity. I commit to being true to myself. By doing this, I manage this fear. 

I sit with the jet stone between my hands. Healing the damaged soul. I recognize and accept that my soul has been damaged and I am on a path of recovery. I sip my tea and find comfort in the familiar. I like to call this tea a warm hug in a mug. Lastly, after I breathe and absorb what I have done today, I journal it all. My pen is a mat black Jinhao x750 on and my ink is a dark red (Diamine Red Dragon). 

I have the right to be me and to live with integrity.

Week 2 in HR

November 19-25

The plan for the week is to:

• Practice scanning with my spheres
• Try to induce sleep and reawaken... at a distance
• Alter myself... and back
• Healing at a distance
• Rite of Consecration (purification) at a distance
• Seeing in the dark
• Drawing on surrounding Quintessence (how much can I actually hold?)
• Make a Quintessence battery (can I?)
• Work thru Bushido Virtues
• Research and work thru Chakras (I am determined to rebalance myself)
• Read Harry potter with the Twins
• Train in Do & Jo
• Rake the trails
• Visit Dad's ritual space and sense it

Oy! That is a lot. Some of that might spill over into the second week.

Oh... and I think I will have a Momiji moment. My Avatar is Momiji, the kami of the Japanese Maple. She (ya... she... maybe that is why I am gay?) is a spirit of healing (clearly my need to be a healer is deeply rooted in me), inner balance (thus my determination to re-establish this and hang onto it always... be the steady anchor for others), practicality, calm & serenity, gentleness, and honor (which is why I am reviewing my oaths and virtues). Momiji has a specific holiday (which I missed in the chaos of everything) that is during the fall when the leaves change their colors. Nothing is very clear on an exact date beyond it falling between the full moon of late September/early October and the full moon of late November/early December. So I haven't completely missed it, I suppose. The leaves of my momiji tree have changes color and are falling. Other hints are that since the kami is also related to children (why I relate to them and really enjoy them... shhhh... don't tell anyone) she is honored on the new light of the waxing moon, called the New Moon (or Diana's Bow) when the moon is 8-12% waxing. That will be on November 21st. A good time to mark new commitments... or remember old ones. I think maybe I will do that rite of passage then instead of at the full moon.

Dark Moon Ritual

After the simple Rite of Consecration, I sit on the zafu and breathe thru a meditation for a while. I calm my body and my mind. I center and ground. I breathe. 

I decide on my oaths and virtues. I will start with and later end with healing oaths, because above all else, when I consider my identity, I am a HEALER physically and magically. When I tread off that path, it messes me up. No matter how much I want to help in this looming battle/crisis, there has to be a way to do so and still remain true to myself.

As I begin working on these oaths and virtues over the next couple weeks (starting with tonight)... what do they mean for me? How have I applied them? How can I apply them moving forward from the recent incidents? Because... I cannot remain stuck in this magical space between, stuck outside reality.

Tonight, I will look at the Oath of the Healer's Path.

Oath of the Healer's Path

1. Treat the Afflicted
2. Cleanse the Impurity
3. Mourn in Tragedy

To look at this in DnD terms, this is a Lawful Good Paladin's path. It aligns better with me than subterfuge and murder. This is spiritual, martial, and medical. This is being the Battlefield Medic.

This is a sacred oath. I might formally take it in a personal rite of passage at the next full moon on December 3rd. I can write the oath on rice paper (calligraphied) and before a sacred purifying flame recite it then burn it, marking myself with the ashes.

For now, I understand the Treatment of the Afflicted as using my mundane medical skills, my herbal/tea crafting skills, and my spheres of magic to heal wounds and illnesses and conditions. Who are the afflicted? Everyone in need of healing, regardless of color/code/creed/affiliation/etc.

As for Cleansing the Impurity, this requires that I sense/perceive more often and use my skills to purge disease and illness and infection. Can I extend that to purify ill-willed/negative energies as I did with my space? Or purify someone of possession?

Cleanse, Purify, Ward/Protect
Wash, Cure, Vaccinate

To Mourn in Tragedy is to share space with the lost life. It is to ease the passing of the dying, honor their passing/passed souls, and to be present for those who remain. To not mourn alone. Tragedy can be physical death, but can also be an unrecouperable loss. (I will revisit that idea later.) I should think up a small and simple rite to bless the dead or acknowledge the loss, release the spirit, and help bring peace to those left behind.

Tomorrow, I will start one day at a time reviewing the Bushido Virtues.

November Dark Moon Prep

November 18th Daytime

I had said I would commit time to me for... self-care... to try to come to terms with what has happened. I know I am not coping well. Last night when Blythe offered to talk, I hit that edge of panic... like PTSD. Looking back at it, I can see more clearly that it was totally a PTSD reaction. I don;t trust the technocrats nor the "therapists" here. So, I don't really have anyone but Brighid to talk to about all this. I don;t want to worry my parents.

Meditation helps me balance. Training with Andrew or mom does too. As does teaching Blythes twin girls. That last is actually a lot of fun, more fun than I expected. I love expanding their awareness of the wilderness and sharing my passion about tea with them.

Once I finished setting up my place, as a way to rebalance, I have decided to commit to some of the more spiritual aspects of what I was raised with. I think my dad would be proud. Maybe... maybe I will invite him to something I do. Like Yule... if we are all still here then. Or the Full Moon on December 3rd.

For now, we are the Dark Moon today. The Dark Moon is for introspection.

See dad? I have actually paid attention, even if it didn't seem like I did.

I think I will relook at my oaths and virtues. The Dark Moon is a good time to start that... AFTER I show the girls color changing tea... like MAGIC! (without and "deviant" magic involved)

 

November 18th Evening

Why do I feel nervous about doing something spiritual? Maybe because I am concerned that there is no such thing as divine beings? Ok... If I run with that, then Divine Beings can be just greater spiritual entities or great magical beings that ideally have our greater good in mind... unless you worship something with evil intent because you are that kind of person. I think I will devote myself to more vague concepts, like the Moon as a symbol of Wisdom.

I will blend some of what Mom practices with some of what Dad practices. Make this my own. This also gives me the chance to actually practice magic... and not the "fluffy bunny" kind of any sort.

Along with the Do and Jo training, I have spent much of the week just practicing the sensing aspects of the magical spheres I am less familiar with: Forces and Prime mostly, but also some Spirit. I am pretty comfortable and confident with my Life sphere. This can be next week's project, to work much harder on these lesser used spheres of magic.

I am glad Dad ordered in (or was able to procure however) a number of odd things I asked for. Time to really set up an indoor ritual space. In my meditation room on the tatami mats, I put my zafu and zabuton, just off center with the low bamboo tea table I use as a working altar, tea table, or journalling surface. I started by fetching a big rock from outside, the biggest I could carry. Fuck... heavy! Moving something like this ought to be some sort of rite of passage! After scrubbing it clean, I plopped it in the north corner of the room. There. North... EARTH! It had a little flat surface on which I set a black earthenware bowl the size of my palm and filled it with salt and herbs. 

I set up a standing brass brazier with its 18-inch diameter dish in the east corner. I filled it with sand and places in the shelf below it a box of 3-kings charcoal and several boxes and pouches of resins and incense sticks. My favorite incense is a Japanese sandalwood stick, but sometimes other smells are more evocative of certain moods. There. East... AIR! 

In the south corner just past the door on the southwest wall, I screwed in an iron bracket and hung a lantern. In it I places a candle. 

 

I walk past the window and to the west corner. I pushed in a triangular bamboo stand that has a large shell for a water basin in it. Tucked right into the corner is a little vase with a cluster of growing bamboo. There. West... WATER! 

(no picture as I cannot find what I imagine in my head)

The four key elements as my father taught me... done in my own style. The setting sun shines in thru the southwest window. 

On the northwest wall are mounts for my Jo staff and any future Do tools, as well as a trunk with the rest of my magical supplies that I don't use on a regular basis. An Alder wood trunk containing magical and ritual supplies and inscribed with protection symbols on the inside. This is the most expensive piece of furniture I own as the wood was imported from Ireland. Above the trunk is a rice paper banner of the 7 Bushido Virtues in Kanji calligraphy. My wall mounts are above and below the banner.

On the northeast wall is one of those wonderful shelves I managed to get back here, all ebony (imagine the image in naturally black ebony wood) with cultural books, magical texts, tradition material texts. One shelf (central octagon) is dedicated to honoring his ancestors with a little urn of collected ashes, a tealight candle, small incense pot, lighter, box of Japanese sandalwood incense, all on a slate of Sodalite.

I set a red candle on the bamboo tea table with my teacup, my thermos full of charged tea beside it. I also set my journal and fountain pens on it. I think I am ready.... OH! Fire! I get a little lighter, too. I have yet to learn how to manifest fire with magic. I am pretty sure that is part of Forces. I will have to ask Dad.

I go outside and collect fallen momiji leaves: all reds, oranges, and yellows. Inside and cast my circle with them and perform the Rite of Consecration for the space. I press a few of the leaves in one of the books from my shelf for a later project. There is a smaller window close to the north-northeast whereby I can see the momiji tree outside.

I think I am ready to begin.... except for a craving I won't sate till later.

What is that craving? Momiji Tempura. MMmmm... dipped in maple syrup.

Week 1 in HR

 Funny how HR no longer means Human Resources to me......

November 11th... 

Remembrance Day.... Normally this is important. As an EMT, I would be working overtime with Veterans today. I usually work for free, volunteering with the Shriners.

Today, I had my own little breakdown and didn't get to bed till pre-dawn.

Barely a few hours later, my phone rings. WTF? I literally fall out of bed thinking I am late for work or On Call, hunt all over for my phone, and finally answer it as I realize we are in the HR and there should be no signal. Levi is calling... and I have WFT! 6 BARS!? where did a 6th bar come from? The connection is a WiFi or maybe data thing... called FNET. Again... wtf? Is the F in FNET for fucked?

Breakfast... It was a call to breakfast. I think I told him to fuck off and threw the phone across the room. I can't remember. Ten minutes later, i got up anyhow and put myself together. Blythe's family should be arriving.

Sure enough, when I get there, Riley and Blythe are there with a dog, a stranger (his name turns out to be Peter and he is Blythe's husband), and three children (twin 12 yr old girls and a 7 yr old boy). I dig out the fancy teacup and set the girls up with fun fancy fruity tea. Murazaki and Andrew arrive too. Once bitten, Twice shy they say. I am reserved around her. Out of piety, politeness, and propriety, I serve tea starting thru the social ranks with Andrew. Coffee for those who won't do tea.

After breakfast, we head out the the House in the Woods for Blythe's family, bringing their stuff. I offer to show the children about the trails, teach them some woods safety, and teach the girls Tea stuff. They are cute and sweet... and it gives me something to focus on that is a bit more positive. Kids I guess are easier to be with than adults. I am less shy with them.

November 12-17

This first week was... surreal... unreal? I do normal things like take the kids for a walk when their dad doesn't, teach them wild things, do tea parties with the girls to occupy them (I think I have fangirls), nest... yes nest. I properly unpacked into the newer space and made a ritual space for myself inside. I have been meditating, and working out at the dojo, sometimes with Andrew (learning Do) or my mum (learning the jo staff), often alone.

I try hard to not cut myself. Sometimes I just need to feel something more real and that is a sharp real feeling. But, I try not to. I heal it after. I know I need help, that I should ask for help from... someone... but no one here is really qualified.

I made a kitty door so Brighid can come and go as she pleases, follow me if she wants.

At the end of the week, it got weird again.... Riley showed up at my door. He had a black cat, Andrew's cat. I figured it was a familiar. Brighid was kind of freaked out by it. It's name is Zatafax. I vaguely recalled a story from Levi about a Zatafax getting caught in the creation of a HR by accident and turning out to be a GIANT cat in it. Having 'touched' Andrew's sword... I was more content to think of this cat as a familiar than anything very weird. Also... Riley's problem. As it turns out... I walked into a conversation at my parents' place over drinks... Riley and I are the only ones with no actual real life experience of Zatafax. Weird... again... So, Blythe and Levi had similar Awakenings. I am not even going to try to remember or understand that conversation. 

I just wanted to find out what was for supper....

Apparently, Levi has worked with Ecstatics. Remember? I said the conversation was WEIRD! In the newly magical world I Awakened to, the understanding was to not work with them. They were like and STD, you needed protection or you might catch something unwanted. Levi went from the weird of Felicity to the weird of Ecstatics. I will just take that notion of a vague fading crush and just... drown it in antiseptic, thanks.

I don;t understand why the local muggles cannot be let in on understanding what is going on. I still think we should have unAwakened allies. Everyone seems to be of a firm NO on the matter. I think the twins would get a kick out of it. SIGH! Fine, I will do "magical color changing tea" with them... it is chemistry and not actually magic.

I did the good host thing and walked Blythe to the door as she needed to get back to her family for dinner. I regretted it. She totally brought up asking how I was, saying she understands things like this can mess people up. If I ever wanted to talk, she says I could talk to her. That she might be able to help me cope. I was fine till that moment. Then it was hard to breathe and I tried to wall her out, not feel, shut out what happened. She got me into this! I don't want her help. It is not like she can give me my life back.

I went back to the room and accepted a swig from Riley's flask. O>>>M>>>F>>>G>>> that was vile. It burned all the way down and stole my breath. If ever I needed a reminder to stick to tea, juice, and water... that was it!

Hell of a Night

Caught between feeling violated, my consent never considered, and fury and betrayal... having been put in a mindscape with Felicity whom I do not trust without any preparation. I have had more than enough surprises. NO MORE!

YOU HEAR ME?! NO MORE! FUCK OFF!

I get why my father does his rituals as he does... as one coalesces in my mind. I knew all the theory. I grew up with it. I have done small things on my own, but nothing like what was in my head now. And what was in my head now felt powerful, right, and what I needed right now... even if it was very very simple. Things don;t have to be complicated to work?, right?

Purge/Purify... Sanctify... Ward...

Widdershins, deosil, deosil.

I pour quintessence into this ritual.

I fling open my hut door, pull out my sacred cup I use for... everything... I pull out a little box that contains my Pagan ritual tools: incense, lighter and a small athame. I pour some tea unto the cup and step outside. 

I light the incense then carve the first part of a rune on one side of the doorframe. It is the first part of a three-part rune. I spiral out and around widdershins about my hut, marking whatever spot I can as I do with the first rune. Levi was striding over trying to ask what I was doing.

"By fire and air and my blade do I purify all that is mine and me..." I end by carving the rune into my arm. I tried to ignore Levi and concentrate.

Levi follows me about. I cannot tell if he is approving, disapproving, or fascinating or shocked.

I reverse my spiral and now go deosil from the outside inward, dipping my athame into the cup of tea and sprinkling, then using the athame to add the second rune over the first as I go.

"By earth and water and my blade do I sanctify all that mine and me." I end by carving the second rune into my arm.

A deep breath in and I focused, like I would in the ambulance saving a life. I winced as I carved the last rune into my arm and hand and then marked the wall with a final warning rune. With my blood dripping, I walked out and marked the four quarters.

"By my blade and my blood are me and mine protected, keeping the ill-intended and the unwanted out. SO MOTE IT BE!" I poured some tea over my wound, then took a sip and libated the rest to the gods. I use my Life Sphere to heal my arm, just enough to leave it scar. 

Carefully, I set things aside, feeling a mix of the euphoric high from cutting my arm and doing ritual. It inspired  courage. Or maybe stupidity. I march into my hut and empty my backpack entirely save for literal criticals. It might be the middle of the night and I might be tired and high and determined... but I will bloody well take some measure of control back. I might not have a whole lot of magic, but I know non-magical ways to get rid of magical things.

I use my door as a portal. Shit... I was right. It still works. I step through and then head to Terra Nova. There I walk a fast line to the supply shed for some home grown tannerite booming supplies. Levi shows up as i head back to take the portal back to the apartment. He is confused, worried. In the apartment, i set up the explosives. Small, yes, but I don't want to blow the whole building. Levi is frantically trying to convince me not to do this madness. I had to very literally throw him back thru the portal to the Horizon Realm so I could set the fuse and step through myself. I know in moments the door in the apartment would blow. I counted as Levi yelled things at me. I opened the door as a portal just to see....

FUCK! The portal is still there... on the damned door frame. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! I remove the damned door. It is STILL there. FUCK! The futility is .... frustrating! I punched the doorframe till I bled. I went inside and washed it, reassured Brighid, and tried to calm down. I sat with some fresh tea and Brighid , then vent into my journal. The lack of a door is annoying, as well as Levi stressing about me. So, I go back out and with his help, I get the door put back on. 

Note to self, more tannerite.... or  take time to see where the magic is bound and blow the right things. I am an idiot.

At least the ritual energy held.....

I make tea to sit with Levi.... Do I trust him? I have no idea. A possible relationship? .... kicked so far out the window that it vanished into some mysterious ethereal dimension. 

Blessedly, Andrew showed and removed the portal. I want to trust him. I do trust him. But... after .... Can I? I served tea to him first then Levi, then myself. We spoke of ... Felicity. Now... this is the conversation that really needed to happen BEFORE throwing me into a mental lockroom with her. He also discussed what we were actually doing and travelled to such Horizon Realm as to consider it the Pure Lands. It was.... numinous. It is a Refuge. It is where Andrew and my parents and others are trying to save the awakened... mages... magicky people till the dust settles and forces can regroup. I worried about the unawakened, the masses (they are called sleepers), I worried for the mundane normal folks. The Nafandi will win... rule the people... then theoretically stagnate.... and then we will return to defeat them. I am less sure on the matter of it all. If the Nafandi are so terrible and trying to destroy us, why would they leave the normal folks alone? Why do they want to destroy the awakened? how could they possibly stagnate? It doesn't make any sense.

Maybe I am too tired to understand. Too exhausted. 

Once back at my hut, wonderfully larger and ready to be better set up, I set out some things for consideration later, things I feel I need to review:

• Code of Honor: Bushido Virtues
• The Art of Peace
• Healer's Oath / Oath of the Path of the Healer

Let me actually start with the last one in its shortest form:

Treat the Afflicted
Cleanse the Impurities
Mourn in Tragedy

The sun is almost up. I need sleep. I curl up with Brighid and trace all the marks upon my arm with a finger.... Is it all worth it? Is any of it worth it? I feel like we are retreating from a foe we cannot defeat, one that will only salt the earth in our wake. Not the positive thots one should be falling asleep to. My sleep is thus fitful... till the over-exhaustion drags me to dreamless oblivion... tho not true peaceful oblivion...

NOPE! So DONE!

Saturday, November 11th in the wee hours...... Remembrance Day

Things got quiet. Was it done?

I opened my eyes to the Dojo, modified, a bit larger..... but no one is there. Where is everyone? Oh..... Felicity is there. What the hell? Did she do this? I demand that she FIX this.

Apparently it wasn't her, but Murazaki............... a therapist of some kind who "fixed" Felicity.

Why the Fuck am I here? I feel.... violated. Mindtrapped by someone I trusted to be trapped in a room with someone i really do NOT trust. What is this?! Lock the uncomfortable guy in the room with the one that makes him uncomfortable to 'work out their differences or make up' or something?! 

Great theory. DOES NOT WORK IN PRACTICE!

Felicity suggested that maybe we were there to learn from each other. She asked me what I thot I could learn from her. I was caught between knowing what I want and need... and being put on the spot and frozen by my stupid shyness and a ... an... anger so strong I could not even speak. There are a million things she could teach me, especially about magic and the ways I could use the magic I have to save lives instead of end them. But for all the things she has done.... however good she might be now... There is nothing I that I actually WANT to learn FROM HER. As for what maybe she could learn from me?

How about morals, ethics, respect... integrity... honor? .... my list goes on.

All I could give her was my fuming silence as I mentally SCREAMED to get out of this.

And then... it was over. 

Everyone was standing, congratulating each other, like... job well done.

Are we done? We are done. GOOD! I am DONE! Fuck off everyone!

I don't think I have ever been this angry in my life. Never felt this violated or contaminated. 

How could I ever trust anyone ever again? How could I dare say anything to my parents? They would never believe me. Murazaki is someone they all admire... even Felicity. I bet this is how rape victims feel.

I storm off from the Dojo... fuming.... furious... Definitely NOT feeling very ZEN.  A quick check that what I intended for my hut is what resulted. At least that went as planned.

I grab gear from my room and my backpack and storm off a bit into the woods.... How far can I hike? ARRRGGHH!!! FUUUCK!!! Stupid Horizon Realm. It will only wrap back. I was told this already. I storm back to my hut. 

Fine... I will purge, sanctify, and ward the fuck out of me and mine!

Expansion

Friday, November 10th.... the afternoon....

As awful as this week has been, and as I have felt, Morning training with Andrew was the best. Painful, yes, but the best. I felt focused, productive, active... and like a I am capable of doing something good and right. I know he is not going to stay long, likely. I hope to learn more from him before he goes. There is no room to tear myself apart when training with him in the dojo.

Meditating was good too. My mind was finally finding calm and quietude again.

Then... Felicity showed up.....

What the ever living fuck is she doing in our Sanctuary?! I cannot understand how Levi can be happy and excited to see her with all that she has done to him and others. Like seriously?! Stockholm syndrome some?! 

How did she get here?! She didn't come thru the dojo portal. Did she come thru the MY house? From the apartment portal?! I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THAT SOONER! There are old school ways to do that......

I hide from this discomfort of her presence here by helping Andrew set up the dojo for..... meditation/magic "work"? Oh.... we are going to expand and adjust the Horizon Realm.

I sit as far from Felicity as possible as everyone else settles into places on meditation cushions around the dojo. The mindlink feeling is a bit familiar from last time. Murasaki is leading again. There is she, Mom, Dad, Andrew, Levi, me ... and Felicity. Felicity.... POWER, speed, super intelligence. I guess she is the necessary mana for the task at hand. As long as she doesn't contaminate it with things that allow her to do her own fucked up manipulations in OUR sanctuary. It is a struggle to settle into the right state of mind. I can do it, but my underlayer of mistrust is very strong. Murasaki reassures me that Felicity is here to help. I remind myself that this is for a completely innocent and potentially terrified family in as much danger as we are (more so because they have no way to protect themselves).

We begin by our interdimensional pocket bubble much bigger. We are then given leave to form our on slices of this. I am curious what Levi's place will be like and where. I need to wipe from my thots any notion of a relationship there. What is wrong with me?! Ya... scrap that. Not happening. I focus on my own hut, forgetting all about Felicity. Creating takes a lot of focus. I create almost a mirror of my current hut on its other side and attached. Between my place and Mom's Teahouse (that I think I use just as much as she does), I imagine a huge old and gnarled momiji tree. I probably could have done all the decorating inside and moving the furniture and whatnot from here, but I didn't want to scare Brighid. She can go explore the new rooms on her own and the physical work of setting up after all this will be good and grounding for me later. I left the new addition very very empty. I then devoted focus on expanding the forest behind my house. Making it much more expansive and diverse. I added in a bunch of little grottoes and hiking trails and fin things for kids to discover... things I remember loving to find when I was young and running around the wilds of Terra Perma.

Then there is a hella power push to make things EVEN BIGGER as distant space is made for Blythe and her family with all the stuff they will need to live there long term.

We are almost done... The expansion feels right and nearly finished. I am curious what changes everyone is making.

Blood to blank to bruises....

I slept alone... well, with Brighid. But I didn't want to sleep alone. I deeply wanted to do something life-affirming. Ride something full of touches and breaths and ecstatic blindness. I thot it was just a myth that when people were about to face a dying fight or be in one or kill ... that they need to somehow have sex and remind themselves of the means to create life.... not that I want to be with a girl and make babies. So not interested in girls. No offence to them. And I am not ready for children.... but I really could have done with some good sex and the wonderful euphoria after.

There are other ways to get that euphoria...

I frown at the blood staining the cloth I hold over the newest cut and ignore Brighid's concerned glaring. Is this the path that Eyri took... before he cut himself out of existence? I am not doing that. I am not. Very different things have happened to me and ... I am just trying to cope.

Today I hope to start building, based on whatever Dad figured out from my doodling. Shit.... I left my journal with him with my last entries. 

I will make sure to wear long sleeves and keep them tugged down so he does not see, hoping he did not read those other pages.

Today I feel a bit naked without my journal in my hands. Today I feel so empty and blank. My hands need something to do. I need something to do.

Dressed I go to breakfast. Mom made breakfast today. All my comfort foods. I love her. And there is tea, of course. I picked up my journal, still hoping no one has read anything other than the drawings.

Who is Dad talking to? 

ANDREW! That guy with the scary demon sword! YAY! Not for the sword, for the man. I want to show him the new things I have learned. I want to show him what I can do now with DO. He is SOOOO amazing! I really hope he will teach me.

OH! They plan to expand the Realm for some Knowlton Country House with a pond, for Blythe's family.... who know nothing about magic.

OH! OH! (No no squeeing).... Andrew WILL train me!! Me and Levi. EEEEEE!!!!! YIKES! WOW! Andrew can TELEPORT!?! So cool.Levi and I joined him in the Dojo and spent the rest of the morning training. He was assessing everything I know and learned and challenging the hell out of me. There was literally no time to think about anything that had happened. It is very hard to land a hit on a guy who vanishes with teleporting, even two on one with Levi's help. How does he DO that? (haha... did you see that pun I used?) I know he is using Spheres and DO. 

In the end, I have lots of educational bruises.

Trauma, Grief, Moving On...

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

The medic in me says in any situation of trauma there is some form of loss... and the grief over that loss... even if it is a loss of innocence. Not that I am some pink dusted donut that no one has poked yet. I've been poked. I've done my share of poking. Just... never like this. To poke the beast within and head out death.

Stage 1: Denial

I didn't just do that. There is no way that was actual real. I am trapped in some strange mind-fuck of magic. I would never kill anyone. I am a HEALER!

...... but I did kill someone. Something. Nephandi. What are they really? Do they actually intend us harm? Faith states you think something is true even tho there is no way to prove it. Have I given in to faith... false faith? True faith? I made a deadly poison... it is in my pocket, I still have some. I used it to kill 2 people. 

Part of me wants to just be numb..... 

Part of me wants to swallow the remains of this bottle of poison.....

I am a healer... but I killed someone... now I am a killer. Can I still be a healer?

I was recognized and in dealing out that death, I have lost EVERYTHING of my life.

Stage 2: Anger

This bears repeating.... 

I was recognized and in dealing out that death, I have lost EVERYTHING of my life. THEY HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING! I hate them... I hate the Technocracy for bringing this to my family. I hate that they made me kill.

I scream... and scream! And SCREAM! But nothing has changed. Nothing will make this reality different. I am not the only one whose life has been ruined. Blythe has a family too and she must be just as stressed and scared for them.

I want to hurt someone... something... for forcing this upon me...

... But I only have myself.... 

There is also meditation, tea in the teahouse, the feel of the woods, training over and over in the dojo.... And of course Brighid by my side (who firmly and repeatedly reminds me NOT to cut myself when I do).

Stage 3: Bargaining

By all the gods, take this blood sacrifice. Take this offering to energy that I spend. Take this cup of tea. Take whatever it is of me you can take to make this go back to the way it was. I would give you anything for the return to the safety we had.

.... I know what is done is done and cannot be undone, no matter how much I wish it, no matter how much begging and pleading I do with the gods.

Stage 4: Depression

I know... intellectually that one should not do this. But... the sharpness of the pain of a cut is intensely clarifying, eases the need for self-punishment, releases something awful within. Better than swallowing the bottle of poison myself or truly hating myself. One day I might still, tho.

Maybe I can just curl up here in bed with Brighid and cry till the bed is soaked... filled enough to drown me instead. I feel like I am drowning. How will I ever be able to heal anyone... locked away from the world in this place between the worlds. Am I ever going to be a healer again?

My dad has come by a few times. I heard him, saw his shadow, felt his presence. I drag myself out for breakfast. It helps. Dad's breakfast always helps. I had been subsisting on magicked tea for the last little while. Real food is grounding. It doesn't fix things or undo them. It doesn't make these feelings go away. But it helps.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Sitting at the table over breakfast, we are all in the same situation. Not alone in this loss. I am not the only one who has killed in my lifetime. My parents must have. They have this look about them, this feel, that they have been where I am. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I should, but I don't. 

There are some things I can do while I figure it all out. I can train. I can clean up the piles of mess in my little living space. I can commit my efforts to build more space to it. I can draft ideas for that and pass those ideas to my dad. 

I can offer to Levi to help him build a place here for himself.

Not that long ago, I hoped that maybe... maybe he and I... Maybe there was a chance at a possible relationship. I don't know now if that is even possible. I don't know if I am in a suitable position emotionally to even explore that possibility, if it ever was or could be one. At the moment, I don't feel like I will ever be ok enough for a relationship. 

No one is going to want a messed up internally broken former healer....

One step at a time for the moment, I suppose. 

One meal at a time. One tea at a time. One pile of stuff organized at a time. One set of katas at a time. The ever present questions of Am I good enough anymore? Will I ever be again? rattle quietly in my head and in my heart... and spill onto these pages....

Levi accepted my offer to help him build his own place here. We sat together designing our living spaces. It was a comfortable quiet... doing something we actually CAN do... doing something creative instead of destructive.

The Morning After...

Tuesday, November 8th

My stomach declared I could no longer fast under stress, nor remain asleep. With deep resignation and feeling like waking was a trauma, I got up from bed, washed and made myself human and presentable, then headed up to the house for Dad's usual breakfast-o'clock.

.... ugh... what does he see in fried kidneys. I fed them to Brighid.

Apparently Darsh called requesting aide for Blythe's family, if we could put them up and keep them safe. I looked to Levi to confirm that Blythe has a real family and not some fictional in her head Technocratic false memory of one. Apparently she has an actual family: husband and three kids. I felt it was right to protect them. I think Mom and Dad did, too. But, I could tell they were uncomfortable. Maybe because the family are connected to technocrats or maybe because they were not magic-y... uh... Awakened.

I had to ask. Can more housing be build in the Horizon Realm? Can the Horizon Real be... expanded? The answer was a yes with a pause. I figure that means it is not easy, also... must be well beyond my capabilities.

Levi headed to the Dojo into Terra Perma to contact Blythe and confirm things.

Guess we'll see what this new fucked up day will bring.

Tying Up Loose Ends

Later Monday, November 7th

After getting everything we could immediately rush into the Sanctuary from the apartment, I spent a great deal of time in Mum's Teahouse. I could have done the same in my own place, but it was packed to the rafters with both my and Levi's stuff.

Dad came to give me a very Dad-like hug. He is sympathetic. I think he knows too well what this experience is like. I love his groundedness and his gentle push to think about what I want to do in the coming future, then he gave me space and helped Levi move his stuff from my tiny place up into the big house.

I feel uprooted. And I must further uproot. But, I also feel honorably obliged to tie up the loose things in my life. Closure is important to me. So is not leaving people hanging who might be depending on me to save other people's lives.

I am an EMT serving both the Paramedics at the GLEN and serving Concordia. In another few months, I would have accumulated enough service hours to apply for Paramedic training and licensing. I am pretty sure I can do with Life Magic what a Paramedic does, maybe more. So losing that opportunity is not the end of the world. However, II wrote up my letters of resignation to both entities. Popped every so briefly into the mundane world to send those off and to stick a note in the apartment for Enke about vacating the place.

My thesis for graduation is so close to being done. It just needs a last edit. I sent word to Concordia that I intend to maintain my graduation this semester, but will not attend the ceremony. I told them to hang onto my Graduation certificate as I will pick it up in person whenever I am next able to. I then locked myself in my place in the Sanctuary to do those last edits. A note on my door saying:

THESIS WRITING
DISTURB AND DIE

I took a break long enough and early enough to hate my cluttered space and to tie up one last loose end. I stepped thru to the apartment, looked wistfully at my favorite larger furnishings, then refocused. BANK. I headed to the nearby bank and literally emptied my account of all its funds. I forgot I had so much in there. I told them I was buying a big expensive vehicle and wanted to pay in cash for a better deal from the dealer. Apparently that is a normal thing to do as the teller nodded knowingly at me and wished me luck.

I took ONE serious risk...

A fast trip to the paper supply store whereby I bought a BUNCH of notebooks I liked the feel of, some I thought Levi would like with leather covers, a dozen or more fountain pens including a their $5k Urushi they usually only have for show because who in their right mind buys a pen at that price? Me apparently. And about 30 bottles of ink. I should be set for a while.

I dropped it all off in my Sanctuary house... that still looked like chaos. Nope. I cannot... CANNOT... handle this clutter. So ya, one way or another, I intended to fight my larger furnishings thru the portal. They came into the house, they bloody well can make it out. It took a great deal of manly grunting, physical strength, and screaming curses. I felt much better after that.

I felt even more stable and focused once I organized things again and plowed through more of my thesis edits. It was well past midnight. I crossed to the dojo and out into Terra Perma to email off my thesis for the last time and note the resignation acceptances. 

When I came back, I was exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually... exhausted. I felt a mix of numb and empty... and very very tired. I collapsed on my futon and snuggled Brighid till I slept.

DEED... done...

Monday, November 6th

After spending time to memorize the faces of the two targets and meticulously make poison, I was up very early for my "New Job" and bringing my usual backpack. I have my newly provisioned uniform, a pocket notebook and fountain pen, oh... and the bottle of poison.

I am trying very hard to not think too hard about the task I am about to do. 

5:30am and I arrive on time at the Second Cup. I ignored Levi when I pass him on my way there. I shyly introduced myself to my new boss there and get directed into the training for day one, newbie training handling coffee & espresso/cappuccino.

I just watch for the "targets"... everything else is up to Levi, then Blythe, while I disappear after.

7am
Matrello arrives on time like clockwork, orders distractedly as he answers a call on his cell. I prepped his coffee (duly poisoned) and his ordered banana bread, hand them over and continues about my newbie barista work.Martello walks off still talking on the phone. He takes the East Exit past Levi and so is Levi's responsibility now.

Center & Ground! I managed to fuck up the next two orders of coffee and apologize as only the timid newbie I am can. "Sorry! I'm new... day one here. I am really sorry." I hand over the correct coffee.

8am... almost
Nordan showed up a bit early. Not the end of the world. He ordered his coffee and likewise answered a convenient call. I prepped his coffee (duly poisoned as before) and handed it over. He stopped, stared... I think he recognized me! How does he know me? Does he? I pretended not to notice and continued with the next few orders in the now morning rush. My heart was practically racing. EEEK!!

BATHROOM BREAK!

I strip off the uniform and change into plain clothing, grab my backpack, pop out the side stairs to Mansfield street, and take the metro home. I grab my journalling supplies and Brighid and head through to the Sanctuary. I desperately needed the feeling of SAFETY! I dropped everything onto my futon and walked off into the woods to just SCREAM for a bit and pray this was the right thing. I will then just sit on a log to compose? Fail... center and ground over and over.

Levi checks in on me to see if I am ok. That is kind of him. If I had a crush on him... those feelings are smashed to bits by all this and there is definitely no future there... I think. I cannot think about a relationship... I can see why war folks fuck before or after. Nope, I am not ok. Yes, give me lots of space for a while... so I can scream some more.

Once calm, I snuggle with Brighid in the Zen Garden.

Once I felt more stable, I seek out Levi.... I need to know the results of what I just did.

Martello... dead

Nordan... dead but... the job was almost botched and the Nephandi are likely alerted.

SHIT!!!

Deep breath... time to clear the apartment of anything and everything we can swiftly move through to the Sanctuary. Emptied the car too, assuming it will just have to be abandoned. I took the license plate and scratched what ID stuff I could find and reach. Anything to make it harder to id the owner. It is just a scrappy car.

The next hours are spent compartmentalizing... and having tea in the little teahouse... meditating... more tea... snuggling Brighid...

-------------------------------------------------------

Somewhere after the chaos of what happened with Riley and MurderBot... and MurderBot wants a cat...

Weekend Before the DEED

November 4 & 5

For this all to work, two things will happen at the same time. Riley and Murder Bot will take out the more dangerous of the three targets. I, as Lee the Second Cup Barista trainee, will poison the coffee the other two targets. Levi will be a customer in the Second Cup and will hopefully muddle their minds so they do not notice any changes in their coffee. My parents will be close to snatch me and Levi and I to safety in case something goes wrong at this stage. Blythe is to handle the targets after, complete the mission, by making sure help does not reach them in time.

What are we all doing over the weekend in preparation?

Levi is meditating, drawing, doing whatever quiet thing he is doing in the Sanctuary as he prepares for what I am sure will be heavy magical work with his mind. Mind is not a sphere of mine. 

I am preparing in a much more mundane way. I am very very carefully collecting Water Hemlock, extracting his juices and concentrating the toxin. I will tweak it with a little Life magic... tho life is the opposite of his tasks. Liquid Death it is. Am I ok with this? No. Is it necessary? I really hope so. I can be steady. I need to be. This is work, not unlike when I am at the hospital, at an event, or in an ambulance. Deep breath, center and ground, stay focused and concentrated. Be it so.

I am not sure what Blythe and Riley and Murder Bot... in their safehouse who knows where.

---

Riley gets a pherba from some woman. It is to kill the soul of a Nephandi so that it does not reincarnate (or body hop). But first, Riley needs to be be cleansed, purified, blessed... made ritually ready.

Oh. My. Gods! I am planning to kill someone.....

 Yup... I am complicit to premeditated murder. Going forward with this evening's plans with any measure of attempt or even success could land me in prison for the rest of my life. I understand that Nefandi are so bad that this is worth the risk. We had better not be wrong. I feel morally obligated to help... but equally morally obligated to not kill innocent people.

As we waited for people to arrive, I downloaded a database program so I can make all this damnable data searchable. Then I made tea...... and coffee, because I know some do not drink tea. When we were called to see if there was anything we wanted (they are bringing host gifts for hospitality?!) I said something "strong" because I think I will need to break my normal refual for alcohol and drink something for fortification.

So... they came.... with a GIANT ...... murderbot.

We talked about the ways to take out the three Nefandi. My parents might help. The freaky Felicity might help. That is a lot of "might" and not much "true confirmation".

My role, I will make a potent extract of WaterHemlock for the cicutoxin and add it to the coffee of two of the targets. It will be arranged for me to be an employee there for the day. Ideally, my parents will be not too far and able to help as backup. Levi and Blythe and maybe Felicity will intercept the two guys I poison as they leave the Second Cup on their way to work. Then I will then make myself scarce. Meanwhile, Riley and Murderbot will take out the third guy when he leaves his house but before he gets into his "unit" which is like some kind of specially protective vehicle.

This will happen Monday.

After the planning... there was the weirdest attempt at socializing. This was more awkward than being forced to dance at a wedding.

Murderbot then attempted to coax Brighid out of my room and pet her. Pardon... MY room and MY familiar. I am not sure why I was so unreasonably protective of her. Maybe because I don't know this... thing... and am not exactly friends with these people.

Levi has a picture of a bug that was created and then had gotten out of hand and had to be dealt with. It was in interesting story, tho I can see it was rather embarrassing for him. I think I can conclude that Murderbot is in a weird way twisted comic relief.

I just want to hide for a bit and journal. Is it too rude of me to do so right here with everyone present?

I need sleep... then need to go find my parents to get some kind of sure answer about their help.... and THEN need to craft a poison.

Help?

Will November 3rd ever end?!

Mom came thru the portals to my apartment. I wish that was more exciting and nerve-wracking in the way it should be for the normal average person having their mom over for the first time ever in their first apartment. This was a bit of a let-down in those terms. Mom came, glanced about, vetted Enke the Murder Nanny, and then saw herself out after agreeing to discuss with Dad about helping us out.

So... tentative help?

I checked in on Levi. He had a rough evening. His help fell through badly apparently.

We checked in with Blythe and Riley. GAK! Riley literally went missing after futsing with some magical button. Seriously? Magical button of unknown properties? In all the fretting.... Riley did show back up again with some other person to help.

Not having any clue how to handle helping Bythe and Riley sort out the issues that have with the three targets. Nor sort out the questionable target. OH! WAIT! FULL MOON! Yes... I can do something.

Divination! I have never thot my divination a useful thing till this moment. DUH! I fetched my cards and did a couple short readings for clearish answers. Concluding answer? Questionable guy is either Naphandi (how the hell to I spell that?) or seriously in league with them. So... might as well be one.

I wonder... can I use divination to PLAN an outcome and manipulate time and outcomes?
No... definitely NOT going to play with that notion. It is just a question to ask someone else much later.

I did realize that I absolutely could manipulate coffee to be poisonous. I am just not used to thinking outside the box and with my magical spheres.

I invited Blythe and Riley... and uh... their help?... to our place for tea. OH SHIT! Enke! Blythe isn't supposed to know she is here. Enke decided to go for a walk and I could text her when our meeting over tea was over. Hm... I put on coffee, remembering that Riley and Blythe do not do tea.

While preparing coffee and tea, I popped onto Amazon.ca and hunted up a nice folding screen that can go into the living room to give Enke some discreet privacy.

Reigning it in

Yes... still Nov. 3rd, 2017...... 

I took the portal to Terra Perma with Brighid. I knew I was early by a little bit, so I didn't want to be in the Horizon Realm just yet. I wanted to get a hold of myself and reign in the turmoil. I will not be able to learn anything or save lives if I am out of sorts as I have been. 

The start of reigning things in was resolving my anger with Levi and giving him the gift as a reminder that I care and am not mad at him. This is NOT all his fault. He was not able to speak about thing. He is a little younger than I am. I bet he is just as scared. I have been a rock for so many other people. I need to be a rock for him, too. I can do that.

I started working on my focus and reminding myself of my values through the jounralling and the transcribing of The Art of Peace. I took a walk through the real world woods. BRRRRrrrrr...... Then I sat on a meditation mat in Wellness Center that Mom uses as a dojo or workshop training area. There I sat and did some more transcribing.

The Art of Peace is the art of learning deeply,
the art of knowing oneself.

From here, I got up and moved through every kata I know, every movement of Aikido and every motion related to Do. I stretched and moves slow so as to maintain deep control as I had seen Andrew do. I did not put power or magic behind any of it, just feeling my body remember the movements. Being one with these movements was a good feeling. After, I stood, centered, and grounded. I poured myself some tea from my thermos into my personal cup and sat to transcribe a little more.

Study the teachings of the pine tree, the bamboo, and the plum blossom.
The pine is evergreen, firmly rooted, and venerable.
The bamboo is strong, resilient, unbreakable.
The plum blossom is hardy, fragrant, and elegant.

I can be deeply rooted and rely on old teachings and wisdom. I can be strong and flexible... unbreakable. I can be enduring and graceful/gracious.

To practice properly the Art of Peace, you must:
- Calm the spirit and return to the source.
- Cleanse the body and spirit by removing all malice, selfishness, and desire.
- Be ever grateful for the gifts received from the universe, your family, Mother Nature, and your fellow human beings.

I took some time to meditate deeply and release the stress within. I am better than this, better than I have been. I can do better. I need to. People will be counting on me.

I felt a great deal more stable after all this. I refilled my teacup and stepped outside to face the north. I touched the ground with my palms, leaving my teacup between my feet, and offered my thanks for the ground upon which I walk and the stability Earth provides me. 

I turned to the east and spread my arms out wide, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. I gave thanks to Air for the air that I breathe and the knowledge I have in my head through all I have learned so far. 

I turned to the south, made fists, and crossed by wrists over my chest. I gave thanks to Fire for the fires outside of that keep us warm, protect us, and cook our food. I also gave thanks for the Fire within, the spark of inspiration and courage to do what is write... even if it is scary. 

I turned to the west, picked up my teacup, sipped about half and poured a libation of the rest upon the ground. I gave thanks to Water for sustaining me, refreshing me, and reminding me to be fluid/flexible/adaptable. I thanked Water for lending is qualities of healing to all that I do and will do.

Finally, I returned to facing north. I performed a self blessing, touching feet, knees, groin, chest, and lips:

Blessed be my feet that walk the sacred path.
Blessed be my knees that kneel at the sacred altar.
Blessed be my loins from which spring forth pleasure and life.
Blessed be my chest formed in beauty and in strength.
Blessed be my lips that utter the sacred words.
Blessed be all of me.

One final Centering and grounding out in this cold and then I rook my teacup and myself back inside. I think I am ready now. I packed my things in my backpack and lifted Brighid to my shoulder. Then I used the portal there in the back to enter the Sanctuary's dojo.

I hope Mom is back and has resolved things with Dad. I hope I am doing the right thing.

I walked to the house seeking them out and seeking dinner.

The Meeting

 Still November 3rd, 2017

 I hated Second Cup tables. They were always so small. I ordered a large earl grey tea that I could pour into my own cup, to which I added enough milk and sugar to mask how terrible this bagged tea is.  Then I sat at one of those small tables where I can put my back to the wall. I made a neat little pile of a leather journal with a Moonman fountain pen and a bottle of Diamine Ancient Copper. I took out my own journal, a second smaller leather journal, another new Moonman fountain pen, and a bottle of Iroshizuku Kon Peke blue ink. I filled my new pen with ink then poured the crappy tea into my personal cup (hoping the tea in my cup will help me regain some calm and some confidence). I also took out my Art of Peace book. I had a little plan for killing these 2 hours.

I journalled my day so far... having gotten into the habit since I met Levi and moved in with him. I also had acquired a couple more fountain pens and a small collection of inks. If they were drugs, someone would be concerned that I had an addiction problem. I found that journalling with the fountain pen, slowed my writing and my chaotic thots. It gave me another tool, along with healing, martial arts, and tea. These brought calm and focus.

Once the journalling was done, I put it into my backpack and turned my attention to the new little leather bound book I bought at Nota Bene. Time to start transcribing The Art of Peace. I had said that I needed more training, so I have started with this for the moment.

12th statement

Inner principles give coherence to things; the Art of Peace is a method of uncovering those principles.

 

15th statement

Use your body to create forms; use your spirit to transcend forms; unify body and spirit to activate the Art of Peace.

Part of me is certain this man was part of the Akashic Brotherhood. Then again... it is less limited to what I understand of the Akashic Brotherhood. I find his work the closest to what I actually practice and believe. There is so much Verbena in here with the Akashic.... I wish I could meet him in person and learn from him. Did he blend paths as I have?

2nd statement

One does not need buildings, money, power, or status to practice the Art of Peace.

Heaven is right where you are standing, and that is the place to train.

 

 That is a good reminder. I have skimmed thru this text before. And as I was about to transcribe another statement, Levi walked in. It was about 2:30pm. He approached the table and I reminded him that he needed to order first here as they don't serve, in case he didn't know. He didn't know. When he sat, I told him that I refused to stay mad at him. And pushed forward the little bundle of leather journal, fountain pen and ink. He was ... beyond flabbergasted and deeply gracious. When we get home (because the apartment is home), I will do a dedication rite for these tools and invite him to what I do. Gifting him felt like the right thing to do, moreso now seeing his reaction.

The Technocrats arrived precisely on time. Should I have expected anything else of them? Riley came in first like a body guard. Then Blythe moved past him removing her shades. She looked like a power corporate now and not like a Westmount Mom. Riley headed off to get them both coffee while she came to sit with us. I made room on the table for their coffees and reminded them that the tea here is crap. They are coffee people. I think it is a Technocrat thing.

My stoic calm clearly is not yet stable. Why? Because they need backup to kill people!!

They called it "taking care of an internal problem" whereby they need to "clean house" and expect some resistance. They were asking for help, asking us if we could bring in help because clearly they have zero confidence in us. Then... why us and not more competent people? I don;t think they are wrong in doubting us. They have three powerful targets they have to hit simultaneously. Thus why they need help.

I am having a conversation about killing people...... They say 2 of them are definitely Nefandi, but are not sure of the third so want to capture him to find out. 

I am having a conversation... about... KILLING PEOPLE!

After a brief discussion about Nefandi and how sure they are of two of their targets, after a discussion about my and Levi's actual capacity to help, I agree to assist them... as a healer. However, I remind them that I am NOT their tool to just... use. That said, I agree to ask my parents, because I don;t know any other mages.

We spent a bit of time... or they did... brainstorming how to take out their targets and trying to understand what Levi and I are capable of. 

I cannot believe it, but I suggested working with my tea as a discrete method of "taking them out" because I am good with tea and can easily work with tea as magical and non-magical things. Medicine and poison are such a fine line. Alas, Technocrats are die hard coffee drinkers. Blythe could not understand why I could manipulate tea and not coffee. Maybe I can manipulate coffee... I have no idea. I KNOW I can manipulate tea. Did they want to experiment with something they need precision with? Apparently not. But to my satisfaction, Blythe concluded she will never drink tea I give her.... in case it is a toxic brew.

Dinner with my parents will be... interesting (likely of the Chinese Curse kind).

Anyhow, the Technocrats provided Levi and I with laptops they have modified (because hell no am I letting them futs with my laptop that has my thesis on it). The shared their information about these targets with us. Apparently Blythe is a data monkey or number cruncher... so.... Riley is like... the big guns. If we were a D&D group.... I would say we are fucked. Not enough fighters, but at least they have a healer. Me. I guess they know this too and that is why they are asking for help. Oh... and they have a 72hr window to do this. 

Three days is NOT enough time to train more and find help..... and yet... apparently that is all we have.

Levi and I headed home with our new Technocratic toys. Walking back from the metro to our apartment, someone was sitting on our steps. A short woman with blond hair wearing a grey coat. Using my senses from a distance, I could detect that she was uncertain, angry, and depressed, and also NOT an awakened or maybe she is hiding it well. I hated how these Technocrats made me so skittish of everything and marred my ability to be a gentleman. I left Levi's side to purposely be a gentleman and ask if she needed help.

Oh... get this...

She is German, named Enke and worked for Blythe as the Murder Nanny. Mirazaki sent her to help protect us.... to be out Murder Nanny. And... we are not to tell Blythe that this is where she was. She is human, ish, but "enhanced" like ... a cyborg ish? Do we trust her? Do we ditch her to the road? I hate that all this has turned me into this horrible person! 

 

I agree with Levi that she can stay. We both trust Mirazaki. My mother trusts and respects Mirazaki, so I will too. We now have a Murder Nanny to protect our home. I hope Brighid likes her. That will be my true test of if she can stay or not. For now, she can crash on the sofa till we figure out better accommodations.

I head to my room, collect up Brighid, and head to the Sanctuary to meet my parents for dinner.