Hell of a Night

Caught between feeling violated, my consent never considered, and fury and betrayal... having been put in a mindscape with Felicity whom I do not trust without any preparation. I have had more than enough surprises. NO MORE!

YOU HEAR ME?! NO MORE! FUCK OFF!

I get why my father does his rituals as he does... as one coalesces in my mind. I knew all the theory. I grew up with it. I have done small things on my own, but nothing like what was in my head now. And what was in my head now felt powerful, right, and what I needed right now... even if it was very very simple. Things don;t have to be complicated to work?, right?

Purge/Purify... Sanctify... Ward...

Widdershins, deosil, deosil.

I pour quintessence into this ritual.

I fling open my hut door, pull out my sacred cup I use for... everything... I pull out a little box that contains my Pagan ritual tools: incense, lighter and a small athame. I pour some tea unto the cup and step outside. 

I light the incense then carve the first part of a rune on one side of the doorframe. It is the first part of a three-part rune. I spiral out and around widdershins about my hut, marking whatever spot I can as I do with the first rune. Levi was striding over trying to ask what I was doing.

"By fire and air and my blade do I purify all that is mine and me..." I end by carving the rune into my arm. I tried to ignore Levi and concentrate.

Levi follows me about. I cannot tell if he is approving, disapproving, or fascinating or shocked.

I reverse my spiral and now go deosil from the outside inward, dipping my athame into the cup of tea and sprinkling, then using the athame to add the second rune over the first as I go.

"By earth and water and my blade do I sanctify all that mine and me." I end by carving the second rune into my arm.

A deep breath in and I focused, like I would in the ambulance saving a life. I winced as I carved the last rune into my arm and hand and then marked the wall with a final warning rune. With my blood dripping, I walked out and marked the four quarters.

"By my blade and my blood are me and mine protected, keeping the ill-intended and the unwanted out. SO MOTE IT BE!" I poured some tea over my wound, then took a sip and libated the rest to the gods. I use my Life Sphere to heal my arm, just enough to leave it scar. 

Carefully, I set things aside, feeling a mix of the euphoric high from cutting my arm and doing ritual. It inspired  courage. Or maybe stupidity. I march into my hut and empty my backpack entirely save for literal criticals. It might be the middle of the night and I might be tired and high and determined... but I will bloody well take some measure of control back. I might not have a whole lot of magic, but I know non-magical ways to get rid of magical things.

I use my door as a portal. Shit... I was right. It still works. I step through and then head to Terra Nova. There I walk a fast line to the supply shed for some home grown tannerite booming supplies. Levi shows up as i head back to take the portal back to the apartment. He is confused, worried. In the apartment, i set up the explosives. Small, yes, but I don't want to blow the whole building. Levi is frantically trying to convince me not to do this madness. I had to very literally throw him back thru the portal to the Horizon Realm so I could set the fuse and step through myself. I know in moments the door in the apartment would blow. I counted as Levi yelled things at me. I opened the door as a portal just to see....

FUCK! The portal is still there... on the damned door frame. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! I remove the damned door. It is STILL there. FUCK! The futility is .... frustrating! I punched the doorframe till I bled. I went inside and washed it, reassured Brighid, and tried to calm down. I sat with some fresh tea and Brighid , then vent into my journal. The lack of a door is annoying, as well as Levi stressing about me. So, I go back out and with his help, I get the door put back on. 

Note to self, more tannerite.... or  take time to see where the magic is bound and blow the right things. I am an idiot.

At least the ritual energy held.....

I make tea to sit with Levi.... Do I trust him? I have no idea. A possible relationship? .... kicked so far out the window that it vanished into some mysterious ethereal dimension. 

Blessedly, Andrew showed and removed the portal. I want to trust him. I do trust him. But... after .... Can I? I served tea to him first then Levi, then myself. We spoke of ... Felicity. Now... this is the conversation that really needed to happen BEFORE throwing me into a mental lockroom with her. He also discussed what we were actually doing and travelled to such Horizon Realm as to consider it the Pure Lands. It was.... numinous. It is a Refuge. It is where Andrew and my parents and others are trying to save the awakened... mages... magicky people till the dust settles and forces can regroup. I worried about the unawakened, the masses (they are called sleepers), I worried for the mundane normal folks. The Nafandi will win... rule the people... then theoretically stagnate.... and then we will return to defeat them. I am less sure on the matter of it all. If the Nafandi are so terrible and trying to destroy us, why would they leave the normal folks alone? Why do they want to destroy the awakened? how could they possibly stagnate? It doesn't make any sense.

Maybe I am too tired to understand. Too exhausted. 

Once back at my hut, wonderfully larger and ready to be better set up, I set out some things for consideration later, things I feel I need to review:

• Code of Honor: Bushido Virtues
• The Art of Peace
• Healer's Oath / Oath of the Path of the Healer

Let me actually start with the last one in its shortest form:

Treat the Afflicted
Cleanse the Impurities
Mourn in Tragedy

The sun is almost up. I need sleep. I curl up with Brighid and trace all the marks upon my arm with a finger.... Is it all worth it? Is any of it worth it? I feel like we are retreating from a foe we cannot defeat, one that will only salt the earth in our wake. Not the positive thots one should be falling asleep to. My sleep is thus fitful... till the over-exhaustion drags me to dreamless oblivion... tho not true peaceful oblivion...

NOPE! So DONE!

Saturday, November 11th in the wee hours...... Remembrance Day

Things got quiet. Was it done?

I opened my eyes to the Dojo, modified, a bit larger..... but no one is there. Where is everyone? Oh..... Felicity is there. What the hell? Did she do this? I demand that she FIX this.

Apparently it wasn't her, but Murazaki............... a therapist of some kind who "fixed" Felicity.

Why the Fuck am I here? I feel.... violated. Mindtrapped by someone I trusted to be trapped in a room with someone i really do NOT trust. What is this?! Lock the uncomfortable guy in the room with the one that makes him uncomfortable to 'work out their differences or make up' or something?! 

Great theory. DOES NOT WORK IN PRACTICE!

Felicity suggested that maybe we were there to learn from each other. She asked me what I thot I could learn from her. I was caught between knowing what I want and need... and being put on the spot and frozen by my stupid shyness and a ... an... anger so strong I could not even speak. There are a million things she could teach me, especially about magic and the ways I could use the magic I have to save lives instead of end them. But for all the things she has done.... however good she might be now... There is nothing I that I actually WANT to learn FROM HER. As for what maybe she could learn from me?

How about morals, ethics, respect... integrity... honor? .... my list goes on.

All I could give her was my fuming silence as I mentally SCREAMED to get out of this.

And then... it was over. 

Everyone was standing, congratulating each other, like... job well done.

Are we done? We are done. GOOD! I am DONE! Fuck off everyone!

I don't think I have ever been this angry in my life. Never felt this violated or contaminated. 

How could I ever trust anyone ever again? How could I dare say anything to my parents? They would never believe me. Murazaki is someone they all admire... even Felicity. I bet this is how rape victims feel.

I storm off from the Dojo... fuming.... furious... Definitely NOT feeling very ZEN.  A quick check that what I intended for my hut is what resulted. At least that went as planned.

I grab gear from my room and my backpack and storm off a bit into the woods.... How far can I hike? ARRRGGHH!!! FUUUCK!!! Stupid Horizon Realm. It will only wrap back. I was told this already. I storm back to my hut. 

Fine... I will purge, sanctify, and ward the fuck out of me and mine!

Expansion

Friday, November 10th.... the afternoon....

As awful as this week has been, and as I have felt, Morning training with Andrew was the best. Painful, yes, but the best. I felt focused, productive, active... and like a I am capable of doing something good and right. I know he is not going to stay long, likely. I hope to learn more from him before he goes. There is no room to tear myself apart when training with him in the dojo.

Meditating was good too. My mind was finally finding calm and quietude again.

Then... Felicity showed up.....

What the ever living fuck is she doing in our Sanctuary?! I cannot understand how Levi can be happy and excited to see her with all that she has done to him and others. Like seriously?! Stockholm syndrome some?! 

How did she get here?! She didn't come thru the dojo portal. Did she come thru the MY house? From the apartment portal?! I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THAT SOONER! There are old school ways to do that......

I hide from this discomfort of her presence here by helping Andrew set up the dojo for..... meditation/magic "work"? Oh.... we are going to expand and adjust the Horizon Realm.

I sit as far from Felicity as possible as everyone else settles into places on meditation cushions around the dojo. The mindlink feeling is a bit familiar from last time. Murasaki is leading again. There is she, Mom, Dad, Andrew, Levi, me ... and Felicity. Felicity.... POWER, speed, super intelligence. I guess she is the necessary mana for the task at hand. As long as she doesn't contaminate it with things that allow her to do her own fucked up manipulations in OUR sanctuary. It is a struggle to settle into the right state of mind. I can do it, but my underlayer of mistrust is very strong. Murasaki reassures me that Felicity is here to help. I remind myself that this is for a completely innocent and potentially terrified family in as much danger as we are (more so because they have no way to protect themselves).

We begin by our interdimensional pocket bubble much bigger. We are then given leave to form our on slices of this. I am curious what Levi's place will be like and where. I need to wipe from my thots any notion of a relationship there. What is wrong with me?! Ya... scrap that. Not happening. I focus on my own hut, forgetting all about Felicity. Creating takes a lot of focus. I create almost a mirror of my current hut on its other side and attached. Between my place and Mom's Teahouse (that I think I use just as much as she does), I imagine a huge old and gnarled momiji tree. I probably could have done all the decorating inside and moving the furniture and whatnot from here, but I didn't want to scare Brighid. She can go explore the new rooms on her own and the physical work of setting up after all this will be good and grounding for me later. I left the new addition very very empty. I then devoted focus on expanding the forest behind my house. Making it much more expansive and diverse. I added in a bunch of little grottoes and hiking trails and fin things for kids to discover... things I remember loving to find when I was young and running around the wilds of Terra Perma.

Then there is a hella power push to make things EVEN BIGGER as distant space is made for Blythe and her family with all the stuff they will need to live there long term.

We are almost done... The expansion feels right and nearly finished. I am curious what changes everyone is making.

Blood to blank to bruises....

I slept alone... well, with Brighid. But I didn't want to sleep alone. I deeply wanted to do something life-affirming. Ride something full of touches and breaths and ecstatic blindness. I thot it was just a myth that when people were about to face a dying fight or be in one or kill ... that they need to somehow have sex and remind themselves of the means to create life.... not that I want to be with a girl and make babies. So not interested in girls. No offence to them. And I am not ready for children.... but I really could have done with some good sex and the wonderful euphoria after.

There are other ways to get that euphoria...

I frown at the blood staining the cloth I hold over the newest cut and ignore Brighid's concerned glaring. Is this the path that Eyri took... before he cut himself out of existence? I am not doing that. I am not. Very different things have happened to me and ... I am just trying to cope.

Today I hope to start building, based on whatever Dad figured out from my doodling. Shit.... I left my journal with him with my last entries. 

I will make sure to wear long sleeves and keep them tugged down so he does not see, hoping he did not read those other pages.

Today I feel a bit naked without my journal in my hands. Today I feel so empty and blank. My hands need something to do. I need something to do.

Dressed I go to breakfast. Mom made breakfast today. All my comfort foods. I love her. And there is tea, of course. I picked up my journal, still hoping no one has read anything other than the drawings.

Who is Dad talking to? 

ANDREW! That guy with the scary demon sword! YAY! Not for the sword, for the man. I want to show him the new things I have learned. I want to show him what I can do now with DO. He is SOOOO amazing! I really hope he will teach me.

OH! They plan to expand the Realm for some Knowlton Country House with a pond, for Blythe's family.... who know nothing about magic.

OH! OH! (No no squeeing).... Andrew WILL train me!! Me and Levi. EEEEEE!!!!! YIKES! WOW! Andrew can TELEPORT!?! So cool.Levi and I joined him in the Dojo and spent the rest of the morning training. He was assessing everything I know and learned and challenging the hell out of me. There was literally no time to think about anything that had happened. It is very hard to land a hit on a guy who vanishes with teleporting, even two on one with Levi's help. How does he DO that? (haha... did you see that pun I used?) I know he is using Spheres and DO. 

In the end, I have lots of educational bruises.

Trauma, Grief, Moving On...

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

The medic in me says in any situation of trauma there is some form of loss... and the grief over that loss... even if it is a loss of innocence. Not that I am some pink dusted donut that no one has poked yet. I've been poked. I've done my share of poking. Just... never like this. To poke the beast within and head out death.

Stage 1: Denial

I didn't just do that. There is no way that was actual real. I am trapped in some strange mind-fuck of magic. I would never kill anyone. I am a HEALER!

...... but I did kill someone. Something. Nephandi. What are they really? Do they actually intend us harm? Faith states you think something is true even tho there is no way to prove it. Have I given in to faith... false faith? True faith? I made a deadly poison... it is in my pocket, I still have some. I used it to kill 2 people. 

Part of me wants to just be numb..... 

Part of me wants to swallow the remains of this bottle of poison.....

I am a healer... but I killed someone... now I am a killer. Can I still be a healer?

I was recognized and in dealing out that death, I have lost EVERYTHING of my life.

Stage 2: Anger

This bears repeating.... 

I was recognized and in dealing out that death, I have lost EVERYTHING of my life. THEY HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING! I hate them... I hate the Technocracy for bringing this to my family. I hate that they made me kill.

I scream... and scream! And SCREAM! But nothing has changed. Nothing will make this reality different. I am not the only one whose life has been ruined. Blythe has a family too and she must be just as stressed and scared for them.

I want to hurt someone... something... for forcing this upon me...

... But I only have myself.... 

There is also meditation, tea in the teahouse, the feel of the woods, training over and over in the dojo.... And of course Brighid by my side (who firmly and repeatedly reminds me NOT to cut myself when I do).

Stage 3: Bargaining

By all the gods, take this blood sacrifice. Take this offering to energy that I spend. Take this cup of tea. Take whatever it is of me you can take to make this go back to the way it was. I would give you anything for the return to the safety we had.

.... I know what is done is done and cannot be undone, no matter how much I wish it, no matter how much begging and pleading I do with the gods.

Stage 4: Depression

I know... intellectually that one should not do this. But... the sharpness of the pain of a cut is intensely clarifying, eases the need for self-punishment, releases something awful within. Better than swallowing the bottle of poison myself or truly hating myself. One day I might still, tho.

Maybe I can just curl up here in bed with Brighid and cry till the bed is soaked... filled enough to drown me instead. I feel like I am drowning. How will I ever be able to heal anyone... locked away from the world in this place between the worlds. Am I ever going to be a healer again?

My dad has come by a few times. I heard him, saw his shadow, felt his presence. I drag myself out for breakfast. It helps. Dad's breakfast always helps. I had been subsisting on magicked tea for the last little while. Real food is grounding. It doesn't fix things or undo them. It doesn't make these feelings go away. But it helps.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Sitting at the table over breakfast, we are all in the same situation. Not alone in this loss. I am not the only one who has killed in my lifetime. My parents must have. They have this look about them, this feel, that they have been where I am. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I should, but I don't. 

There are some things I can do while I figure it all out. I can train. I can clean up the piles of mess in my little living space. I can commit my efforts to build more space to it. I can draft ideas for that and pass those ideas to my dad. 

I can offer to Levi to help him build a place here for himself.

Not that long ago, I hoped that maybe... maybe he and I... Maybe there was a chance at a possible relationship. I don't know now if that is even possible. I don't know if I am in a suitable position emotionally to even explore that possibility, if it ever was or could be one. At the moment, I don't feel like I will ever be ok enough for a relationship. 

No one is going to want a messed up internally broken former healer....

One step at a time for the moment, I suppose. 

One meal at a time. One tea at a time. One pile of stuff organized at a time. One set of katas at a time. The ever present questions of Am I good enough anymore? Will I ever be again? rattle quietly in my head and in my heart... and spill onto these pages....

Levi accepted my offer to help him build his own place here. We sat together designing our living spaces. It was a comfortable quiet... doing something we actually CAN do... doing something creative instead of destructive.

The Morning After...

Tuesday, November 8th

My stomach declared I could no longer fast under stress, nor remain asleep. With deep resignation and feeling like waking was a trauma, I got up from bed, washed and made myself human and presentable, then headed up to the house for Dad's usual breakfast-o'clock.

.... ugh... what does he see in fried kidneys. I fed them to Brighid.

Apparently Darsh called requesting aide for Blythe's family, if we could put them up and keep them safe. I looked to Levi to confirm that Blythe has a real family and not some fictional in her head Technocratic false memory of one. Apparently she has an actual family: husband and three kids. I felt it was right to protect them. I think Mom and Dad did, too. But, I could tell they were uncomfortable. Maybe because the family are connected to technocrats or maybe because they were not magic-y... uh... Awakened.

I had to ask. Can more housing be build in the Horizon Realm? Can the Horizon Real be... expanded? The answer was a yes with a pause. I figure that means it is not easy, also... must be well beyond my capabilities.

Levi headed to the Dojo into Terra Perma to contact Blythe and confirm things.

Guess we'll see what this new fucked up day will bring.

Tying Up Loose Ends

Later Monday, November 7th

After getting everything we could immediately rush into the Sanctuary from the apartment, I spent a great deal of time in Mum's Teahouse. I could have done the same in my own place, but it was packed to the rafters with both my and Levi's stuff.

Dad came to give me a very Dad-like hug. He is sympathetic. I think he knows too well what this experience is like. I love his groundedness and his gentle push to think about what I want to do in the coming future, then he gave me space and helped Levi move his stuff from my tiny place up into the big house.

I feel uprooted. And I must further uproot. But, I also feel honorably obliged to tie up the loose things in my life. Closure is important to me. So is not leaving people hanging who might be depending on me to save other people's lives.

I am an EMT serving both the Paramedics at the GLEN and serving Concordia. In another few months, I would have accumulated enough service hours to apply for Paramedic training and licensing. I am pretty sure I can do with Life Magic what a Paramedic does, maybe more. So losing that opportunity is not the end of the world. However, II wrote up my letters of resignation to both entities. Popped every so briefly into the mundane world to send those off and to stick a note in the apartment for Enke about vacating the place.

My thesis for graduation is so close to being done. It just needs a last edit. I sent word to Concordia that I intend to maintain my graduation this semester, but will not attend the ceremony. I told them to hang onto my Graduation certificate as I will pick it up in person whenever I am next able to. I then locked myself in my place in the Sanctuary to do those last edits. A note on my door saying:

THESIS WRITING
DISTURB AND DIE

I took a break long enough and early enough to hate my cluttered space and to tie up one last loose end. I stepped thru to the apartment, looked wistfully at my favorite larger furnishings, then refocused. BANK. I headed to the nearby bank and literally emptied my account of all its funds. I forgot I had so much in there. I told them I was buying a big expensive vehicle and wanted to pay in cash for a better deal from the dealer. Apparently that is a normal thing to do as the teller nodded knowingly at me and wished me luck.

I took ONE serious risk...

A fast trip to the paper supply store whereby I bought a BUNCH of notebooks I liked the feel of, some I thought Levi would like with leather covers, a dozen or more fountain pens including a their $5k Urushi they usually only have for show because who in their right mind buys a pen at that price? Me apparently. And about 30 bottles of ink. I should be set for a while.

I dropped it all off in my Sanctuary house... that still looked like chaos. Nope. I cannot... CANNOT... handle this clutter. So ya, one way or another, I intended to fight my larger furnishings thru the portal. They came into the house, they bloody well can make it out. It took a great deal of manly grunting, physical strength, and screaming curses. I felt much better after that.

I felt even more stable and focused once I organized things again and plowed through more of my thesis edits. It was well past midnight. I crossed to the dojo and out into Terra Perma to email off my thesis for the last time and note the resignation acceptances. 

When I came back, I was exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually... exhausted. I felt a mix of numb and empty... and very very tired. I collapsed on my futon and snuggled Brighid till I slept.