November Dark Moon Prep

November 18th Daytime

I had said I would commit time to me for... self-care... to try to come to terms with what has happened. I know I am not coping well. Last night when Blythe offered to talk, I hit that edge of panic... like PTSD. Looking back at it, I can see more clearly that it was totally a PTSD reaction. I don;t trust the technocrats nor the "therapists" here. So, I don't really have anyone but Brighid to talk to about all this. I don;t want to worry my parents.

Meditation helps me balance. Training with Andrew or mom does too. As does teaching Blythes twin girls. That last is actually a lot of fun, more fun than I expected. I love expanding their awareness of the wilderness and sharing my passion about tea with them.

Once I finished setting up my place, as a way to rebalance, I have decided to commit to some of the more spiritual aspects of what I was raised with. I think my dad would be proud. Maybe... maybe I will invite him to something I do. Like Yule... if we are all still here then. Or the Full Moon on December 3rd.

For now, we are the Dark Moon today. The Dark Moon is for introspection.

See dad? I have actually paid attention, even if it didn't seem like I did.

I think I will relook at my oaths and virtues. The Dark Moon is a good time to start that... AFTER I show the girls color changing tea... like MAGIC! (without and "deviant" magic involved)

 

November 18th Evening

Why do I feel nervous about doing something spiritual? Maybe because I am concerned that there is no such thing as divine beings? Ok... If I run with that, then Divine Beings can be just greater spiritual entities or great magical beings that ideally have our greater good in mind... unless you worship something with evil intent because you are that kind of person. I think I will devote myself to more vague concepts, like the Moon as a symbol of Wisdom.

I will blend some of what Mom practices with some of what Dad practices. Make this my own. This also gives me the chance to actually practice magic... and not the "fluffy bunny" kind of any sort.

Along with the Do and Jo training, I have spent much of the week just practicing the sensing aspects of the magical spheres I am less familiar with: Forces and Prime mostly, but also some Spirit. I am pretty comfortable and confident with my Life sphere. This can be next week's project, to work much harder on these lesser used spheres of magic.

I am glad Dad ordered in (or was able to procure however) a number of odd things I asked for. Time to really set up an indoor ritual space. In my meditation room on the tatami mats, I put my zafu and zabuton, just off center with the low bamboo tea table I use as a working altar, tea table, or journalling surface. I started by fetching a big rock from outside, the biggest I could carry. Fuck... heavy! Moving something like this ought to be some sort of rite of passage! After scrubbing it clean, I plopped it in the north corner of the room. There. North... EARTH! It had a little flat surface on which I set a black earthenware bowl the size of my palm and filled it with salt and herbs. 

I set up a standing brass brazier with its 18-inch diameter dish in the east corner. I filled it with sand and places in the shelf below it a box of 3-kings charcoal and several boxes and pouches of resins and incense sticks. My favorite incense is a Japanese sandalwood stick, but sometimes other smells are more evocative of certain moods. There. East... AIR! 

In the south corner just past the door on the southwest wall, I screwed in an iron bracket and hung a lantern. In it I places a candle. 

 

I walk past the window and to the west corner. I pushed in a triangular bamboo stand that has a large shell for a water basin in it. Tucked right into the corner is a little vase with a cluster of growing bamboo. There. West... WATER! 

(no picture as I cannot find what I imagine in my head)

The four key elements as my father taught me... done in my own style. The setting sun shines in thru the southwest window. 

On the northwest wall are mounts for my Jo staff and any future Do tools, as well as a trunk with the rest of my magical supplies that I don't use on a regular basis. An Alder wood trunk containing magical and ritual supplies and inscribed with protection symbols on the inside. This is the most expensive piece of furniture I own as the wood was imported from Ireland. Above the trunk is a rice paper banner of the 7 Bushido Virtues in Kanji calligraphy. My wall mounts are above and below the banner.

On the northeast wall is one of those wonderful shelves I managed to get back here, all ebony (imagine the image in naturally black ebony wood) with cultural books, magical texts, tradition material texts. One shelf (central octagon) is dedicated to honoring his ancestors with a little urn of collected ashes, a tealight candle, small incense pot, lighter, box of Japanese sandalwood incense, all on a slate of Sodalite.

I set a red candle on the bamboo tea table with my teacup, my thermos full of charged tea beside it. I also set my journal and fountain pens on it. I think I am ready.... OH! Fire! I get a little lighter, too. I have yet to learn how to manifest fire with magic. I am pretty sure that is part of Forces. I will have to ask Dad.

I go outside and collect fallen momiji leaves: all reds, oranges, and yellows. Inside and cast my circle with them and perform the Rite of Consecration for the space. I press a few of the leaves in one of the books from my shelf for a later project. There is a smaller window close to the north-northeast whereby I can see the momiji tree outside.

I think I am ready to begin.... except for a craving I won't sate till later.

What is that craving? Momiji Tempura. MMmmm... dipped in maple syrup.

Week 1 in HR

 Funny how HR no longer means Human Resources to me......

November 11th... 

Remembrance Day.... Normally this is important. As an EMT, I would be working overtime with Veterans today. I usually work for free, volunteering with the Shriners.

Today, I had my own little breakdown and didn't get to bed till pre-dawn.

Barely a few hours later, my phone rings. WTF? I literally fall out of bed thinking I am late for work or On Call, hunt all over for my phone, and finally answer it as I realize we are in the HR and there should be no signal. Levi is calling... and I have WFT! 6 BARS!? where did a 6th bar come from? The connection is a WiFi or maybe data thing... called FNET. Again... wtf? Is the F in FNET for fucked?

Breakfast... It was a call to breakfast. I think I told him to fuck off and threw the phone across the room. I can't remember. Ten minutes later, i got up anyhow and put myself together. Blythe's family should be arriving.

Sure enough, when I get there, Riley and Blythe are there with a dog, a stranger (his name turns out to be Peter and he is Blythe's husband), and three children (twin 12 yr old girls and a 7 yr old boy). I dig out the fancy teacup and set the girls up with fun fancy fruity tea. Murazaki and Andrew arrive too. Once bitten, Twice shy they say. I am reserved around her. Out of piety, politeness, and propriety, I serve tea starting thru the social ranks with Andrew. Coffee for those who won't do tea.

After breakfast, we head out the the House in the Woods for Blythe's family, bringing their stuff. I offer to show the children about the trails, teach them some woods safety, and teach the girls Tea stuff. They are cute and sweet... and it gives me something to focus on that is a bit more positive. Kids I guess are easier to be with than adults. I am less shy with them.

November 12-17

This first week was... surreal... unreal? I do normal things like take the kids for a walk when their dad doesn't, teach them wild things, do tea parties with the girls to occupy them (I think I have fangirls), nest... yes nest. I properly unpacked into the newer space and made a ritual space for myself inside. I have been meditating, and working out at the dojo, sometimes with Andrew (learning Do) or my mum (learning the jo staff), often alone.

I try hard to not cut myself. Sometimes I just need to feel something more real and that is a sharp real feeling. But, I try not to. I heal it after. I know I need help, that I should ask for help from... someone... but no one here is really qualified.

I made a kitty door so Brighid can come and go as she pleases, follow me if she wants.

At the end of the week, it got weird again.... Riley showed up at my door. He had a black cat, Andrew's cat. I figured it was a familiar. Brighid was kind of freaked out by it. It's name is Zatafax. I vaguely recalled a story from Levi about a Zatafax getting caught in the creation of a HR by accident and turning out to be a GIANT cat in it. Having 'touched' Andrew's sword... I was more content to think of this cat as a familiar than anything very weird. Also... Riley's problem. As it turns out... I walked into a conversation at my parents' place over drinks... Riley and I are the only ones with no actual real life experience of Zatafax. Weird... again... So, Blythe and Levi had similar Awakenings. I am not even going to try to remember or understand that conversation. 

I just wanted to find out what was for supper....

Apparently, Levi has worked with Ecstatics. Remember? I said the conversation was WEIRD! In the newly magical world I Awakened to, the understanding was to not work with them. They were like and STD, you needed protection or you might catch something unwanted. Levi went from the weird of Felicity to the weird of Ecstatics. I will just take that notion of a vague fading crush and just... drown it in antiseptic, thanks.

I don;t understand why the local muggles cannot be let in on understanding what is going on. I still think we should have unAwakened allies. Everyone seems to be of a firm NO on the matter. I think the twins would get a kick out of it. SIGH! Fine, I will do "magical color changing tea" with them... it is chemistry and not actually magic.

I did the good host thing and walked Blythe to the door as she needed to get back to her family for dinner. I regretted it. She totally brought up asking how I was, saying she understands things like this can mess people up. If I ever wanted to talk, she says I could talk to her. That she might be able to help me cope. I was fine till that moment. Then it was hard to breathe and I tried to wall her out, not feel, shut out what happened. She got me into this! I don't want her help. It is not like she can give me my life back.

I went back to the room and accepted a swig from Riley's flask. O>>>M>>>F>>>G>>> that was vile. It burned all the way down and stole my breath. If ever I needed a reminder to stick to tea, juice, and water... that was it!

Hell of a Night

Caught between feeling violated, my consent never considered, and fury and betrayal... having been put in a mindscape with Felicity whom I do not trust without any preparation. I have had more than enough surprises. NO MORE!

YOU HEAR ME?! NO MORE! FUCK OFF!

I get why my father does his rituals as he does... as one coalesces in my mind. I knew all the theory. I grew up with it. I have done small things on my own, but nothing like what was in my head now. And what was in my head now felt powerful, right, and what I needed right now... even if it was very very simple. Things don;t have to be complicated to work?, right?

Purge/Purify... Sanctify... Ward...

Widdershins, deosil, deosil.

I pour quintessence into this ritual.

I fling open my hut door, pull out my sacred cup I use for... everything... I pull out a little box that contains my Pagan ritual tools: incense, lighter and a small athame. I pour some tea unto the cup and step outside. 

I light the incense then carve the first part of a rune on one side of the doorframe. It is the first part of a three-part rune. I spiral out and around widdershins about my hut, marking whatever spot I can as I do with the first rune. Levi was striding over trying to ask what I was doing.

"By fire and air and my blade do I purify all that is mine and me..." I end by carving the rune into my arm. I tried to ignore Levi and concentrate.

Levi follows me about. I cannot tell if he is approving, disapproving, or fascinating or shocked.

I reverse my spiral and now go deosil from the outside inward, dipping my athame into the cup of tea and sprinkling, then using the athame to add the second rune over the first as I go.

"By earth and water and my blade do I sanctify all that mine and me." I end by carving the second rune into my arm.

A deep breath in and I focused, like I would in the ambulance saving a life. I winced as I carved the last rune into my arm and hand and then marked the wall with a final warning rune. With my blood dripping, I walked out and marked the four quarters.

"By my blade and my blood are me and mine protected, keeping the ill-intended and the unwanted out. SO MOTE IT BE!" I poured some tea over my wound, then took a sip and libated the rest to the gods. I use my Life Sphere to heal my arm, just enough to leave it scar. 

Carefully, I set things aside, feeling a mix of the euphoric high from cutting my arm and doing ritual. It inspired  courage. Or maybe stupidity. I march into my hut and empty my backpack entirely save for literal criticals. It might be the middle of the night and I might be tired and high and determined... but I will bloody well take some measure of control back. I might not have a whole lot of magic, but I know non-magical ways to get rid of magical things.

I use my door as a portal. Shit... I was right. It still works. I step through and then head to Terra Nova. There I walk a fast line to the supply shed for some home grown tannerite booming supplies. Levi shows up as i head back to take the portal back to the apartment. He is confused, worried. In the apartment, i set up the explosives. Small, yes, but I don't want to blow the whole building. Levi is frantically trying to convince me not to do this madness. I had to very literally throw him back thru the portal to the Horizon Realm so I could set the fuse and step through myself. I know in moments the door in the apartment would blow. I counted as Levi yelled things at me. I opened the door as a portal just to see....

FUCK! The portal is still there... on the damned door frame. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! I remove the damned door. It is STILL there. FUCK! The futility is .... frustrating! I punched the doorframe till I bled. I went inside and washed it, reassured Brighid, and tried to calm down. I sat with some fresh tea and Brighid , then vent into my journal. The lack of a door is annoying, as well as Levi stressing about me. So, I go back out and with his help, I get the door put back on. 

Note to self, more tannerite.... or  take time to see where the magic is bound and blow the right things. I am an idiot.

At least the ritual energy held.....

I make tea to sit with Levi.... Do I trust him? I have no idea. A possible relationship? .... kicked so far out the window that it vanished into some mysterious ethereal dimension. 

Blessedly, Andrew showed and removed the portal. I want to trust him. I do trust him. But... after .... Can I? I served tea to him first then Levi, then myself. We spoke of ... Felicity. Now... this is the conversation that really needed to happen BEFORE throwing me into a mental lockroom with her. He also discussed what we were actually doing and travelled to such Horizon Realm as to consider it the Pure Lands. It was.... numinous. It is a Refuge. It is where Andrew and my parents and others are trying to save the awakened... mages... magicky people till the dust settles and forces can regroup. I worried about the unawakened, the masses (they are called sleepers), I worried for the mundane normal folks. The Nafandi will win... rule the people... then theoretically stagnate.... and then we will return to defeat them. I am less sure on the matter of it all. If the Nafandi are so terrible and trying to destroy us, why would they leave the normal folks alone? Why do they want to destroy the awakened? how could they possibly stagnate? It doesn't make any sense.

Maybe I am too tired to understand. Too exhausted. 

Once back at my hut, wonderfully larger and ready to be better set up, I set out some things for consideration later, things I feel I need to review:

• Code of Honor: Bushido Virtues
• The Art of Peace
• Healer's Oath / Oath of the Path of the Healer

Let me actually start with the last one in its shortest form:

Treat the Afflicted
Cleanse the Impurities
Mourn in Tragedy

The sun is almost up. I need sleep. I curl up with Brighid and trace all the marks upon my arm with a finger.... Is it all worth it? Is any of it worth it? I feel like we are retreating from a foe we cannot defeat, one that will only salt the earth in our wake. Not the positive thots one should be falling asleep to. My sleep is thus fitful... till the over-exhaustion drags me to dreamless oblivion... tho not true peaceful oblivion...

NOPE! So DONE!

Saturday, November 11th in the wee hours...... Remembrance Day

Things got quiet. Was it done?

I opened my eyes to the Dojo, modified, a bit larger..... but no one is there. Where is everyone? Oh..... Felicity is there. What the hell? Did she do this? I demand that she FIX this.

Apparently it wasn't her, but Murazaki............... a therapist of some kind who "fixed" Felicity.

Why the Fuck am I here? I feel.... violated. Mindtrapped by someone I trusted to be trapped in a room with someone i really do NOT trust. What is this?! Lock the uncomfortable guy in the room with the one that makes him uncomfortable to 'work out their differences or make up' or something?! 

Great theory. DOES NOT WORK IN PRACTICE!

Felicity suggested that maybe we were there to learn from each other. She asked me what I thot I could learn from her. I was caught between knowing what I want and need... and being put on the spot and frozen by my stupid shyness and a ... an... anger so strong I could not even speak. There are a million things she could teach me, especially about magic and the ways I could use the magic I have to save lives instead of end them. But for all the things she has done.... however good she might be now... There is nothing I that I actually WANT to learn FROM HER. As for what maybe she could learn from me?

How about morals, ethics, respect... integrity... honor? .... my list goes on.

All I could give her was my fuming silence as I mentally SCREAMED to get out of this.

And then... it was over. 

Everyone was standing, congratulating each other, like... job well done.

Are we done? We are done. GOOD! I am DONE! Fuck off everyone!

I don't think I have ever been this angry in my life. Never felt this violated or contaminated. 

How could I ever trust anyone ever again? How could I dare say anything to my parents? They would never believe me. Murazaki is someone they all admire... even Felicity. I bet this is how rape victims feel.

I storm off from the Dojo... fuming.... furious... Definitely NOT feeling very ZEN.  A quick check that what I intended for my hut is what resulted. At least that went as planned.

I grab gear from my room and my backpack and storm off a bit into the woods.... How far can I hike? ARRRGGHH!!! FUUUCK!!! Stupid Horizon Realm. It will only wrap back. I was told this already. I storm back to my hut. 

Fine... I will purge, sanctify, and ward the fuck out of me and mine!

Expansion

Friday, November 10th.... the afternoon....

As awful as this week has been, and as I have felt, Morning training with Andrew was the best. Painful, yes, but the best. I felt focused, productive, active... and like a I am capable of doing something good and right. I know he is not going to stay long, likely. I hope to learn more from him before he goes. There is no room to tear myself apart when training with him in the dojo.

Meditating was good too. My mind was finally finding calm and quietude again.

Then... Felicity showed up.....

What the ever living fuck is she doing in our Sanctuary?! I cannot understand how Levi can be happy and excited to see her with all that she has done to him and others. Like seriously?! Stockholm syndrome some?! 

How did she get here?! She didn't come thru the dojo portal. Did she come thru the MY house? From the apartment portal?! I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THAT SOONER! There are old school ways to do that......

I hide from this discomfort of her presence here by helping Andrew set up the dojo for..... meditation/magic "work"? Oh.... we are going to expand and adjust the Horizon Realm.

I sit as far from Felicity as possible as everyone else settles into places on meditation cushions around the dojo. The mindlink feeling is a bit familiar from last time. Murasaki is leading again. There is she, Mom, Dad, Andrew, Levi, me ... and Felicity. Felicity.... POWER, speed, super intelligence. I guess she is the necessary mana for the task at hand. As long as she doesn't contaminate it with things that allow her to do her own fucked up manipulations in OUR sanctuary. It is a struggle to settle into the right state of mind. I can do it, but my underlayer of mistrust is very strong. Murasaki reassures me that Felicity is here to help. I remind myself that this is for a completely innocent and potentially terrified family in as much danger as we are (more so because they have no way to protect themselves).

We begin by our interdimensional pocket bubble much bigger. We are then given leave to form our on slices of this. I am curious what Levi's place will be like and where. I need to wipe from my thots any notion of a relationship there. What is wrong with me?! Ya... scrap that. Not happening. I focus on my own hut, forgetting all about Felicity. Creating takes a lot of focus. I create almost a mirror of my current hut on its other side and attached. Between my place and Mom's Teahouse (that I think I use just as much as she does), I imagine a huge old and gnarled momiji tree. I probably could have done all the decorating inside and moving the furniture and whatnot from here, but I didn't want to scare Brighid. She can go explore the new rooms on her own and the physical work of setting up after all this will be good and grounding for me later. I left the new addition very very empty. I then devoted focus on expanding the forest behind my house. Making it much more expansive and diverse. I added in a bunch of little grottoes and hiking trails and fin things for kids to discover... things I remember loving to find when I was young and running around the wilds of Terra Perma.

Then there is a hella power push to make things EVEN BIGGER as distant space is made for Blythe and her family with all the stuff they will need to live there long term.

We are almost done... The expansion feels right and nearly finished. I am curious what changes everyone is making.

Blood to blank to bruises....

I slept alone... well, with Brighid. But I didn't want to sleep alone. I deeply wanted to do something life-affirming. Ride something full of touches and breaths and ecstatic blindness. I thot it was just a myth that when people were about to face a dying fight or be in one or kill ... that they need to somehow have sex and remind themselves of the means to create life.... not that I want to be with a girl and make babies. So not interested in girls. No offence to them. And I am not ready for children.... but I really could have done with some good sex and the wonderful euphoria after.

There are other ways to get that euphoria...

I frown at the blood staining the cloth I hold over the newest cut and ignore Brighid's concerned glaring. Is this the path that Eyri took... before he cut himself out of existence? I am not doing that. I am not. Very different things have happened to me and ... I am just trying to cope.

Today I hope to start building, based on whatever Dad figured out from my doodling. Shit.... I left my journal with him with my last entries. 

I will make sure to wear long sleeves and keep them tugged down so he does not see, hoping he did not read those other pages.

Today I feel a bit naked without my journal in my hands. Today I feel so empty and blank. My hands need something to do. I need something to do.

Dressed I go to breakfast. Mom made breakfast today. All my comfort foods. I love her. And there is tea, of course. I picked up my journal, still hoping no one has read anything other than the drawings.

Who is Dad talking to? 

ANDREW! That guy with the scary demon sword! YAY! Not for the sword, for the man. I want to show him the new things I have learned. I want to show him what I can do now with DO. He is SOOOO amazing! I really hope he will teach me.

OH! They plan to expand the Realm for some Knowlton Country House with a pond, for Blythe's family.... who know nothing about magic.

OH! OH! (No no squeeing).... Andrew WILL train me!! Me and Levi. EEEEEE!!!!! YIKES! WOW! Andrew can TELEPORT!?! So cool.Levi and I joined him in the Dojo and spent the rest of the morning training. He was assessing everything I know and learned and challenging the hell out of me. There was literally no time to think about anything that had happened. It is very hard to land a hit on a guy who vanishes with teleporting, even two on one with Levi's help. How does he DO that? (haha... did you see that pun I used?) I know he is using Spheres and DO. 

In the end, I have lots of educational bruises.

Trauma, Grief, Moving On...

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

The medic in me says in any situation of trauma there is some form of loss... and the grief over that loss... even if it is a loss of innocence. Not that I am some pink dusted donut that no one has poked yet. I've been poked. I've done my share of poking. Just... never like this. To poke the beast within and head out death.

Stage 1: Denial

I didn't just do that. There is no way that was actual real. I am trapped in some strange mind-fuck of magic. I would never kill anyone. I am a HEALER!

...... but I did kill someone. Something. Nephandi. What are they really? Do they actually intend us harm? Faith states you think something is true even tho there is no way to prove it. Have I given in to faith... false faith? True faith? I made a deadly poison... it is in my pocket, I still have some. I used it to kill 2 people. 

Part of me wants to just be numb..... 

Part of me wants to swallow the remains of this bottle of poison.....

I am a healer... but I killed someone... now I am a killer. Can I still be a healer?

I was recognized and in dealing out that death, I have lost EVERYTHING of my life.

Stage 2: Anger

This bears repeating.... 

I was recognized and in dealing out that death, I have lost EVERYTHING of my life. THEY HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING! I hate them... I hate the Technocracy for bringing this to my family. I hate that they made me kill.

I scream... and scream! And SCREAM! But nothing has changed. Nothing will make this reality different. I am not the only one whose life has been ruined. Blythe has a family too and she must be just as stressed and scared for them.

I want to hurt someone... something... for forcing this upon me...

... But I only have myself.... 

There is also meditation, tea in the teahouse, the feel of the woods, training over and over in the dojo.... And of course Brighid by my side (who firmly and repeatedly reminds me NOT to cut myself when I do).

Stage 3: Bargaining

By all the gods, take this blood sacrifice. Take this offering to energy that I spend. Take this cup of tea. Take whatever it is of me you can take to make this go back to the way it was. I would give you anything for the return to the safety we had.

.... I know what is done is done and cannot be undone, no matter how much I wish it, no matter how much begging and pleading I do with the gods.

Stage 4: Depression

I know... intellectually that one should not do this. But... the sharpness of the pain of a cut is intensely clarifying, eases the need for self-punishment, releases something awful within. Better than swallowing the bottle of poison myself or truly hating myself. One day I might still, tho.

Maybe I can just curl up here in bed with Brighid and cry till the bed is soaked... filled enough to drown me instead. I feel like I am drowning. How will I ever be able to heal anyone... locked away from the world in this place between the worlds. Am I ever going to be a healer again?

My dad has come by a few times. I heard him, saw his shadow, felt his presence. I drag myself out for breakfast. It helps. Dad's breakfast always helps. I had been subsisting on magicked tea for the last little while. Real food is grounding. It doesn't fix things or undo them. It doesn't make these feelings go away. But it helps.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Sitting at the table over breakfast, we are all in the same situation. Not alone in this loss. I am not the only one who has killed in my lifetime. My parents must have. They have this look about them, this feel, that they have been where I am. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I should, but I don't. 

There are some things I can do while I figure it all out. I can train. I can clean up the piles of mess in my little living space. I can commit my efforts to build more space to it. I can draft ideas for that and pass those ideas to my dad. 

I can offer to Levi to help him build a place here for himself.

Not that long ago, I hoped that maybe... maybe he and I... Maybe there was a chance at a possible relationship. I don't know now if that is even possible. I don't know if I am in a suitable position emotionally to even explore that possibility, if it ever was or could be one. At the moment, I don't feel like I will ever be ok enough for a relationship. 

No one is going to want a messed up internally broken former healer....

One step at a time for the moment, I suppose. 

One meal at a time. One tea at a time. One pile of stuff organized at a time. One set of katas at a time. The ever present questions of Am I good enough anymore? Will I ever be again? rattle quietly in my head and in my heart... and spill onto these pages....

Levi accepted my offer to help him build his own place here. We sat together designing our living spaces. It was a comfortable quiet... doing something we actually CAN do... doing something creative instead of destructive.