Expansion

Friday, November 10th.... the afternoon....

As awful as this week has been, and as I have felt, Morning training with Andrew was the best. Painful, yes, but the best. I felt focused, productive, active... and like a I am capable of doing something good and right. I know he is not going to stay long, likely. I hope to learn more from him before he goes. There is no room to tear myself apart when training with him in the dojo.

Meditating was good too. My mind was finally finding calm and quietude again.

Then... Felicity showed up.....

What the ever living fuck is she doing in our Sanctuary?! I cannot understand how Levi can be happy and excited to see her with all that she has done to him and others. Like seriously?! Stockholm syndrome some?! 

How did she get here?! She didn't come thru the dojo portal. Did she come thru the MY house? From the apartment portal?! I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THAT SOONER! There are old school ways to do that......

I hide from this discomfort of her presence here by helping Andrew set up the dojo for..... meditation/magic "work"? Oh.... we are going to expand and adjust the Horizon Realm.

I sit as far from Felicity as possible as everyone else settles into places on meditation cushions around the dojo. The mindlink feeling is a bit familiar from last time. Murasaki is leading again. There is she, Mom, Dad, Andrew, Levi, me ... and Felicity. Felicity.... POWER, speed, super intelligence. I guess she is the necessary mana for the task at hand. As long as she doesn't contaminate it with things that allow her to do her own fucked up manipulations in OUR sanctuary. It is a struggle to settle into the right state of mind. I can do it, but my underlayer of mistrust is very strong. Murasaki reassures me that Felicity is here to help. I remind myself that this is for a completely innocent and potentially terrified family in as much danger as we are (more so because they have no way to protect themselves).

We begin by our interdimensional pocket bubble much bigger. We are then given leave to form our on slices of this. I am curious what Levi's place will be like and where. I need to wipe from my thots any notion of a relationship there. What is wrong with me?! Ya... scrap that. Not happening. I focus on my own hut, forgetting all about Felicity. Creating takes a lot of focus. I create almost a mirror of my current hut on its other side and attached. Between my place and Mom's Teahouse (that I think I use just as much as she does), I imagine a huge old and gnarled momiji tree. I probably could have done all the decorating inside and moving the furniture and whatnot from here, but I didn't want to scare Brighid. She can go explore the new rooms on her own and the physical work of setting up after all this will be good and grounding for me later. I left the new addition very very empty. I then devoted focus on expanding the forest behind my house. Making it much more expansive and diverse. I added in a bunch of little grottoes and hiking trails and fin things for kids to discover... things I remember loving to find when I was young and running around the wilds of Terra Perma.

Then there is a hella power push to make things EVEN BIGGER as distant space is made for Blythe and her family with all the stuff they will need to live there long term.

We are almost done... The expansion feels right and nearly finished. I am curious what changes everyone is making.

Blood to blank to bruises....

I slept alone... well, with Brighid. But I didn't want to sleep alone. I deeply wanted to do something life-affirming. Ride something full of touches and breaths and ecstatic blindness. I thot it was just a myth that when people were about to face a dying fight or be in one or kill ... that they need to somehow have sex and remind themselves of the means to create life.... not that I want to be with a girl and make babies. So not interested in girls. No offence to them. And I am not ready for children.... but I really could have done with some good sex and the wonderful euphoria after.

There are other ways to get that euphoria...

I frown at the blood staining the cloth I hold over the newest cut and ignore Brighid's concerned glaring. Is this the path that Eyri took... before he cut himself out of existence? I am not doing that. I am not. Very different things have happened to me and ... I am just trying to cope.

Today I hope to start building, based on whatever Dad figured out from my doodling. Shit.... I left my journal with him with my last entries. 

I will make sure to wear long sleeves and keep them tugged down so he does not see, hoping he did not read those other pages.

Today I feel a bit naked without my journal in my hands. Today I feel so empty and blank. My hands need something to do. I need something to do.

Dressed I go to breakfast. Mom made breakfast today. All my comfort foods. I love her. And there is tea, of course. I picked up my journal, still hoping no one has read anything other than the drawings.

Who is Dad talking to? 

ANDREW! That guy with the scary demon sword! YAY! Not for the sword, for the man. I want to show him the new things I have learned. I want to show him what I can do now with DO. He is SOOOO amazing! I really hope he will teach me.

OH! They plan to expand the Realm for some Knowlton Country House with a pond, for Blythe's family.... who know nothing about magic.

OH! OH! (No no squeeing).... Andrew WILL train me!! Me and Levi. EEEEEE!!!!! YIKES! WOW! Andrew can TELEPORT!?! So cool.Levi and I joined him in the Dojo and spent the rest of the morning training. He was assessing everything I know and learned and challenging the hell out of me. There was literally no time to think about anything that had happened. It is very hard to land a hit on a guy who vanishes with teleporting, even two on one with Levi's help. How does he DO that? (haha... did you see that pun I used?) I know he is using Spheres and DO. 

In the end, I have lots of educational bruises.

Trauma, Grief, Moving On...

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

The medic in me says in any situation of trauma there is some form of loss... and the grief over that loss... even if it is a loss of innocence. Not that I am some pink dusted donut that no one has poked yet. I've been poked. I've done my share of poking. Just... never like this. To poke the beast within and head out death.

Stage 1: Denial

I didn't just do that. There is no way that was actual real. I am trapped in some strange mind-fuck of magic. I would never kill anyone. I am a HEALER!

...... but I did kill someone. Something. Nephandi. What are they really? Do they actually intend us harm? Faith states you think something is true even tho there is no way to prove it. Have I given in to faith... false faith? True faith? I made a deadly poison... it is in my pocket, I still have some. I used it to kill 2 people. 

Part of me wants to just be numb..... 

Part of me wants to swallow the remains of this bottle of poison.....

I am a healer... but I killed someone... now I am a killer. Can I still be a healer?

I was recognized and in dealing out that death, I have lost EVERYTHING of my life.

Stage 2: Anger

This bears repeating.... 

I was recognized and in dealing out that death, I have lost EVERYTHING of my life. THEY HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING! I hate them... I hate the Technocracy for bringing this to my family. I hate that they made me kill.

I scream... and scream! And SCREAM! But nothing has changed. Nothing will make this reality different. I am not the only one whose life has been ruined. Blythe has a family too and she must be just as stressed and scared for them.

I want to hurt someone... something... for forcing this upon me...

... But I only have myself.... 

There is also meditation, tea in the teahouse, the feel of the woods, training over and over in the dojo.... And of course Brighid by my side (who firmly and repeatedly reminds me NOT to cut myself when I do).

Stage 3: Bargaining

By all the gods, take this blood sacrifice. Take this offering to energy that I spend. Take this cup of tea. Take whatever it is of me you can take to make this go back to the way it was. I would give you anything for the return to the safety we had.

.... I know what is done is done and cannot be undone, no matter how much I wish it, no matter how much begging and pleading I do with the gods.

Stage 4: Depression

I know... intellectually that one should not do this. But... the sharpness of the pain of a cut is intensely clarifying, eases the need for self-punishment, releases something awful within. Better than swallowing the bottle of poison myself or truly hating myself. One day I might still, tho.

Maybe I can just curl up here in bed with Brighid and cry till the bed is soaked... filled enough to drown me instead. I feel like I am drowning. How will I ever be able to heal anyone... locked away from the world in this place between the worlds. Am I ever going to be a healer again?

My dad has come by a few times. I heard him, saw his shadow, felt his presence. I drag myself out for breakfast. It helps. Dad's breakfast always helps. I had been subsisting on magicked tea for the last little while. Real food is grounding. It doesn't fix things or undo them. It doesn't make these feelings go away. But it helps.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Sitting at the table over breakfast, we are all in the same situation. Not alone in this loss. I am not the only one who has killed in my lifetime. My parents must have. They have this look about them, this feel, that they have been where I am. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I should, but I don't. 

There are some things I can do while I figure it all out. I can train. I can clean up the piles of mess in my little living space. I can commit my efforts to build more space to it. I can draft ideas for that and pass those ideas to my dad. 

I can offer to Levi to help him build a place here for himself.

Not that long ago, I hoped that maybe... maybe he and I... Maybe there was a chance at a possible relationship. I don't know now if that is even possible. I don't know if I am in a suitable position emotionally to even explore that possibility, if it ever was or could be one. At the moment, I don't feel like I will ever be ok enough for a relationship. 

No one is going to want a messed up internally broken former healer....

One step at a time for the moment, I suppose. 

One meal at a time. One tea at a time. One pile of stuff organized at a time. One set of katas at a time. The ever present questions of Am I good enough anymore? Will I ever be again? rattle quietly in my head and in my heart... and spill onto these pages....

Levi accepted my offer to help him build his own place here. We sat together designing our living spaces. It was a comfortable quiet... doing something we actually CAN do... doing something creative instead of destructive.

The Morning After...

Tuesday, November 8th

My stomach declared I could no longer fast under stress, nor remain asleep. With deep resignation and feeling like waking was a trauma, I got up from bed, washed and made myself human and presentable, then headed up to the house for Dad's usual breakfast-o'clock.

.... ugh... what does he see in fried kidneys. I fed them to Brighid.

Apparently Darsh called requesting aide for Blythe's family, if we could put them up and keep them safe. I looked to Levi to confirm that Blythe has a real family and not some fictional in her head Technocratic false memory of one. Apparently she has an actual family: husband and three kids. I felt it was right to protect them. I think Mom and Dad did, too. But, I could tell they were uncomfortable. Maybe because the family are connected to technocrats or maybe because they were not magic-y... uh... Awakened.

I had to ask. Can more housing be build in the Horizon Realm? Can the Horizon Real be... expanded? The answer was a yes with a pause. I figure that means it is not easy, also... must be well beyond my capabilities.

Levi headed to the Dojo into Terra Perma to contact Blythe and confirm things.

Guess we'll see what this new fucked up day will bring.

Tying Up Loose Ends

Later Monday, November 7th

After getting everything we could immediately rush into the Sanctuary from the apartment, I spent a great deal of time in Mum's Teahouse. I could have done the same in my own place, but it was packed to the rafters with both my and Levi's stuff.

Dad came to give me a very Dad-like hug. He is sympathetic. I think he knows too well what this experience is like. I love his groundedness and his gentle push to think about what I want to do in the coming future, then he gave me space and helped Levi move his stuff from my tiny place up into the big house.

I feel uprooted. And I must further uproot. But, I also feel honorably obliged to tie up the loose things in my life. Closure is important to me. So is not leaving people hanging who might be depending on me to save other people's lives.

I am an EMT serving both the Paramedics at the GLEN and serving Concordia. In another few months, I would have accumulated enough service hours to apply for Paramedic training and licensing. I am pretty sure I can do with Life Magic what a Paramedic does, maybe more. So losing that opportunity is not the end of the world. However, II wrote up my letters of resignation to both entities. Popped every so briefly into the mundane world to send those off and to stick a note in the apartment for Enke about vacating the place.

My thesis for graduation is so close to being done. It just needs a last edit. I sent word to Concordia that I intend to maintain my graduation this semester, but will not attend the ceremony. I told them to hang onto my Graduation certificate as I will pick it up in person whenever I am next able to. I then locked myself in my place in the Sanctuary to do those last edits. A note on my door saying:

THESIS WRITING
DISTURB AND DIE

I took a break long enough and early enough to hate my cluttered space and to tie up one last loose end. I stepped thru to the apartment, looked wistfully at my favorite larger furnishings, then refocused. BANK. I headed to the nearby bank and literally emptied my account of all its funds. I forgot I had so much in there. I told them I was buying a big expensive vehicle and wanted to pay in cash for a better deal from the dealer. Apparently that is a normal thing to do as the teller nodded knowingly at me and wished me luck.

I took ONE serious risk...

A fast trip to the paper supply store whereby I bought a BUNCH of notebooks I liked the feel of, some I thought Levi would like with leather covers, a dozen or more fountain pens including a their $5k Urushi they usually only have for show because who in their right mind buys a pen at that price? Me apparently. And about 30 bottles of ink. I should be set for a while.

I dropped it all off in my Sanctuary house... that still looked like chaos. Nope. I cannot... CANNOT... handle this clutter. So ya, one way or another, I intended to fight my larger furnishings thru the portal. They came into the house, they bloody well can make it out. It took a great deal of manly grunting, physical strength, and screaming curses. I felt much better after that.

I felt even more stable and focused once I organized things again and plowed through more of my thesis edits. It was well past midnight. I crossed to the dojo and out into Terra Perma to email off my thesis for the last time and note the resignation acceptances. 

When I came back, I was exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually... exhausted. I felt a mix of numb and empty... and very very tired. I collapsed on my futon and snuggled Brighid till I slept.

DEED... done...

Monday, November 6th

After spending time to memorize the faces of the two targets and meticulously make poison, I was up very early for my "New Job" and bringing my usual backpack. I have my newly provisioned uniform, a pocket notebook and fountain pen, oh... and the bottle of poison.

I am trying very hard to not think too hard about the task I am about to do. 

5:30am and I arrive on time at the Second Cup. I ignored Levi when I pass him on my way there. I shyly introduced myself to my new boss there and get directed into the training for day one, newbie training handling coffee & espresso/cappuccino.

I just watch for the "targets"... everything else is up to Levi, then Blythe, while I disappear after.

7am
Matrello arrives on time like clockwork, orders distractedly as he answers a call on his cell. I prepped his coffee (duly poisoned) and his ordered banana bread, hand them over and continues about my newbie barista work.Martello walks off still talking on the phone. He takes the East Exit past Levi and so is Levi's responsibility now.

Center & Ground! I managed to fuck up the next two orders of coffee and apologize as only the timid newbie I am can. "Sorry! I'm new... day one here. I am really sorry." I hand over the correct coffee.

8am... almost
Nordan showed up a bit early. Not the end of the world. He ordered his coffee and likewise answered a convenient call. I prepped his coffee (duly poisoned as before) and handed it over. He stopped, stared... I think he recognized me! How does he know me? Does he? I pretended not to notice and continued with the next few orders in the now morning rush. My heart was practically racing. EEEK!!

BATHROOM BREAK!

I strip off the uniform and change into plain clothing, grab my backpack, pop out the side stairs to Mansfield street, and take the metro home. I grab my journalling supplies and Brighid and head through to the Sanctuary. I desperately needed the feeling of SAFETY! I dropped everything onto my futon and walked off into the woods to just SCREAM for a bit and pray this was the right thing. I will then just sit on a log to compose? Fail... center and ground over and over.

Levi checks in on me to see if I am ok. That is kind of him. If I had a crush on him... those feelings are smashed to bits by all this and there is definitely no future there... I think. I cannot think about a relationship... I can see why war folks fuck before or after. Nope, I am not ok. Yes, give me lots of space for a while... so I can scream some more.

Once calm, I snuggle with Brighid in the Zen Garden.

Once I felt more stable, I seek out Levi.... I need to know the results of what I just did.

Martello... dead

Nordan... dead but... the job was almost botched and the Nephandi are likely alerted.

SHIT!!!

Deep breath... time to clear the apartment of anything and everything we can swiftly move through to the Sanctuary. Emptied the car too, assuming it will just have to be abandoned. I took the license plate and scratched what ID stuff I could find and reach. Anything to make it harder to id the owner. It is just a scrappy car.

The next hours are spent compartmentalizing... and having tea in the little teahouse... meditating... more tea... snuggling Brighid...

-------------------------------------------------------

Somewhere after the chaos of what happened with Riley and MurderBot... and MurderBot wants a cat...

Weekend Before the DEED

November 4 & 5

For this all to work, two things will happen at the same time. Riley and Murder Bot will take out the more dangerous of the three targets. I, as Lee the Second Cup Barista trainee, will poison the coffee the other two targets. Levi will be a customer in the Second Cup and will hopefully muddle their minds so they do not notice any changes in their coffee. My parents will be close to snatch me and Levi and I to safety in case something goes wrong at this stage. Blythe is to handle the targets after, complete the mission, by making sure help does not reach them in time.

What are we all doing over the weekend in preparation?

Levi is meditating, drawing, doing whatever quiet thing he is doing in the Sanctuary as he prepares for what I am sure will be heavy magical work with his mind. Mind is not a sphere of mine. 

I am preparing in a much more mundane way. I am very very carefully collecting Water Hemlock, extracting his juices and concentrating the toxin. I will tweak it with a little Life magic... tho life is the opposite of his tasks. Liquid Death it is. Am I ok with this? No. Is it necessary? I really hope so. I can be steady. I need to be. This is work, not unlike when I am at the hospital, at an event, or in an ambulance. Deep breath, center and ground, stay focused and concentrated. Be it so.

I am not sure what Blythe and Riley and Murder Bot... in their safehouse who knows where.

---

Riley gets a pherba from some woman. It is to kill the soul of a Nephandi so that it does not reincarnate (or body hop). But first, Riley needs to be be cleansed, purified, blessed... made ritually ready.