Week 3 in HR

November 26th - December 2nd (even of the Full Moon)

What a week last week was. Each day, tho, brought me more stability. Day by day things improved. In a way I need to thank Blythe, and apologize to her.

Maybe I can do that this week.

December 2nd

At breakfast... OMG I am so hungry!! Before breakfast, I popped over to the real world to check if I passed and will graduate. HUZZAH! YES!! That makes my morning! Off to breakfast to sate my growling stomach. Andrew came in with Zatafax. He offered for me to return to Montreal if I want to. OF COURSE I DO! ... but I might have to deal with trouble there and... kill. 

NOPE! It was a very flat and firm NO. 

Clearly no one heard me nor listened the entire time leading up to today........

Maybe if I have to defend myself or protect others, ok. But not purposely shoved into a situation where I am obliged to that. NO! What part of I AM A HEALER did you miss? I am not compromising myself again.

The issue got dropped and I got to brood with my breakfast. I took a few deep breaths and let it go.

After breakfast we went to Blythe's for a visit. Darsh arrived. Who? Oh... Riley and Blythe's "handler". Well that was surreal and like right out of a movie. "There have been developments. An operation is set up." he wants our help with it. 

Well fuck....

Andrew knew. It wasn't just a maybe... it was a known plan. When invited to Montreal, this is NOT what I thot. Manipulated again!

NO!

I politely excuse myself and walk out.

Outside I breathe in the crisp air. Yes, I want to be a healer. Yes, I want to help them. I do NOT want to fight and kill. I want to be their HEALER! How many times to I have to say it?!?!

Crown, Chu/Duty/Loyalty & more Quintessence

November 25th

This is the last day of this process. The day is devoted to working with Quintessence. Gathering more of it and moving it into a quartz crystal. This is essentially how a quintessence battery is made. It is a LOT of work and I have myself a headache doing it. But... BUT!!! I DID IT! I power-packed a quartz!I actually feel cool today.

Day 7 is about the Crown Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Chu, Duty & Loyalty. This chakra is all about spirituality and enlightenment. The virtue is about being true to the people/things I am responsible for. That will take some thot.

I spent a lot of time in the white gi training in the dojo or working with the Zen garden again. I am doing a lot of thinking today. The quartz stone goes everywhere with me as I jam all the Quintessence I can into it. My tea today is very simple. Two Dove Silver Needle is a very high quality light white tea. I wonder if I confused Levi when I brought over a small tea service. I put my finger to my lips to indicate this was to remain in silence. I did tea ceremony for him with this white tea. Then I bowed deeply to him for honoring me by accepting my tea. This gave me an idea for later. Part of the Oath of the Healer's Path was to Mourn the tragedy. I will set up an ancestral shrine for myself... maybe for everyone. Today is a day of fasting. I had only tea, water, rice and a little fish. I gathered some ginko leaves to decorate my ritual space as I had done with the momiji leaves before, and pressed a few as well. 

This chakra is blocked by addictions and attachments. I will let these go; I will mourn them... but everything changes. That is the only constant.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND.

I ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT TO LET GO.

That is also a spiritual act. I walked out to the stone cairn I built and set out a small offering dish with some sweet jasmine rice in it. With it I put a another little quartz that I had and lit a small candle in a little lantern. I knelt and bowed my head down till the candle was completely burned. This was for my ancestors, but also for the recent lives lost. It was also for the loss of the way of life we have all had to give up.

And so concludes my seven days of chakras and virtues.

Third Eye, Makoto & Quintessence

November 24th

Today is a sensing day. I do a practice of seeing and sensing everything all over for practice. I am especially working with Quintessence today. I want to know how much I can hold, move, and store in a quartz stone. The last I will do tomorrow. First I start with sensing. Elements, substances, spiritual energies and entities, and quintessence. I do a LOT of meditating and drawing in of quintessence. Well... look at that. I can hold a lot of quintessence. Mum and Dad confirmed that like duh... I should know that because I work with Prime like Dad. *facepalm*

Today is Day 6 where I work with the Third Eye Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Makato, Honesty & Sincerity. In hindsight. Jin/Compassion should have been done with the Heart Chakra and this on should have been done with the Throat Chakra. 

Third Eye Chakra is about sight, psychic abilities, intuition, inspiration, perception, and thot. This is why I spent the day sensing and seeing with Forces, Prime, and Spirit. The virtue is rather self-explanatory. Be honest and sincere. Keep your word. Mean what you say and say what you mean. 

This is my favorite chakra for the colors of indigo and violet. I wore black pants, a lavender/lilac shirt with a deep indigo sweater. I love sweater season! The stones are iolite (seeing/understanding the inner self, hope and peace in difficult times, tranquility, and guidance), fluorite (an amplifier of ones abilities, but holds no power of its own), and amethyst (Mental power, meditation, honor, focus, psychic abilities, relaxation, and peace). I set the iolite and amethyst on my bamboo table but carried my fluorite about to help me. Today's tea is an herbal blend of mint, lemon balm, stevia, blue butterfly pea flower, and bamboo with a squirt of lemon that makes it change color and be purple. This is the twins favorite fun color changing tea. For the fun of it and to hopefully see Levi smile, I made some for him to let him watch it change color. Gotta love chemistry. This is a very light flavored tea. As for food today, I stuck with just the tea for breakfast. Lunch was also light, purple cabbage with salt and butter only. Supper was fish and purple rice with some purple cauliflower. I am grateful my family is enduring my week of self-care. Ohhh... Mum made sushi with the purple rice! HUZZAH! Thank you Mum!

I have spent the day perceiving things and puzzling out the logic of the situation we are all in. I am avoiding doing any divination because I know that will be disastrous. It could be terrifyingly accurate or terrifyingly wrong. 

My right is my mantra:

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE... to see the truth.

In my ritual space, I sit and meditate on this with the other stones. I have the right to see... that is because this chakra is about illusions. Everything is connected. I accept this and will endeavour to see past the deceptions to the truth. May I not be deceived by the illusions put forth to manipulate me.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE THE TRUTH.

Throat, Jin/Compassion & Family

November 23rd

This is a day I spend with family. I will go hunting with my dad... not that I hunt much. I use a bow when I do. I practices healing at a distance while we hunted. I considered asking Riley along. I think he would enjoy the hunting, tho might get frustrated with me healing our prey. It is good practice for me. As this is so early in the morning... OMG too early!... I have the rest of the day. The morning was devoted to being with Dad. I will help him out in any projects he is doing this morning. The afternoon is devoted to Mum. That inevitable means Do training and Jo training, but it also means tea ceremony and meditations and the making of herbal remedies. Crafting medicines.

Today is day 5 and focuses on the Throat Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Jin, Compassion. The Throat is connected to the mouth, nose, and ears. It is for listening and communicating... and sometimes just holding silence. Gin is about helping and being compassionate, always and with all beings.

Today I wear blues, my blue jeans and light blue shirt with a heavier jacket because of the morning hunting. When I am with Mum, I wear my lighter blue gi. The stones I took out today are sodalite (creativity, easing fears and doubts, communication, inner peace, mind over body) and blue lace agate (improves memory, soothes and calms, happiness, brings focus), which I keep in my pockets. I hunted up lavender, mint, and eucalyptus and hung bundles in my ritual space for the smells. Today's tea is a ginseng oolong with blue butterfly pea flowers, sweetened with honey. It is a very BLUE tea. I will share some with Levi and hold silence with him for a break in my training with Mum. Breakfast was blueberry waffles with blueberry syrup. Lunch was a very light salad with shrimps and lemon vinegrette. Supper was fun. I made blue rice to go with whatever dad made for dinner.

Throat Chakra is about truth, listening, and communicating. It is also about responsibility. Communicating is always difficult for me. Even if this chakra's right is...

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK... AND BE HEARD!

But no one seems to ever listen to me. I keep trying to tell people that I do not want to kill, to fight... I am a healer. I want to be a healer. I WANT TO BE A HEALER! CAN YOU HEAR ME! I WANT TO BE A HEALER! I stand in front of my hut and yell to the sky.

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT AND KILL! I WANT TO BE A HEALER!

Can anyone hear me? Is anyone listening?

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK AND BE HEARD!

I sit a long time in my ritual space after that just being quiet and breathing, trying not to feel like i am being choked to death by what people think are my responsibilities.

This chakra is blocked by lies, especially those we tell ourselves. What am I lying about? ......

So be it. I am not ok. I am not coping well. I am trying but I am not ok. I cannot do this. I cannot be what they want me to be. I can only be me... a healer.

... Let me be a healer... please.... hear me... listen to me....

Heart, Meiyo/Honor, Sleep

November 22nd

O...M...F...G... I am sore from yesterday! Andrew is a hard but amazing teacher. I think I will just sleep in today. Oh yes! Sleep! That is something I want to work on today. Not me sleeping.... Trying to put creatures to sleep and awaken them at a distance. Today thus was lots of relaxed breathing meditation. I did some raking in the Zen Garden out front. Mom would be proud, I hope. I don't usually use it. I also collected stones and other things and hauled some sand out to a field where I worked on a walking labyrinth.

Here is the model: 

 

And here is roughly what I ended up with:

I hope everyone enjoys it. I sat in the middle of it and just breathed once I was done. Afterwards, I walked about with Brighid and practiced putting animals to sleep and waking them at a distance to see if I can even do it. Well... look at that! I can!! That will be helpful.

BREATHE!

The Heart Chakra is Day 4, as well as the Bushido Virtue of Meiyo, Honor. This is a chakra about Air, breath, compassion, love and loss. The virtue of Honor is close to that of Integrity. It is to live honorably, act honorably, be truthful to oneself. 

I wore greens today with a pink shirt under my forest green sweater. In hindsight, I wish I had thot to add a sakura tree to my part of this HR. Somewhere, my mother must have. There are roses at least. And mint. I collected a bit of both to add to my silky oolong tea for the day. I set a mug of this tea by Levi will he was deeply engross in his own journalling. Part of me wanted to hug him for no reason. I didn't tho. I hugged my parents instead, then went on about my day. Maybe later I will hug Levi and tell him that he is not alone... in case he feels alone. Today I carried malachite (Success, motherly love, protection, peace and hope, and the warding off of negativity) and rose quartz (love and friendship, inner beauty, self-confidence) with me, but left a moonstone (love and bonding, sacredness, connecting emotional and creative selves, compassion, caring, and healing the heart) on the bamboo table for later. I kept breakfast light, eggs in a fluffy croissant and some fruit salad. Lunch was just salad. I made dinner this evening of stirfy veggies with chicken and rice with mint. I am deeply craving pasta, but not till I am done with these chakras. My snacks today were pistachio nuts. 

BREATHE....

Today's mantras are obviously to BREATHE. But it is also to be honorable. 

HONOR IS THE LAW... what I live by...

And the right...

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE... and to be loved.

This evening, I spend some time just snuggling Brighid in my ritual space. Love and being loved. This chakra is also about grief. I give myself some time to grieve for Eyri. Oh how I miss him. But also to let him go. I have loved. I have lost. I am also not alone here. One day... hopefully I will love again. 

I go to bed early tonight and let a breathing meditation carry me off to sleep.

Solar Plexus, Yu/Heroic Courage & ACTION!

November 21st

Today is a fiery day! Today is SPICY! It is an action packed day as I am spending most of the day training with Mom and Andrew. I will work out tension ... or get it worked out of me. Today the chakra and the virtue align well together. Holy cow.....

Today is Day 3 with the Solar Plexus Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Yu, Heroic Courage. I don;t consider myself very heroic, even tho I am often called a hero by people when I am being an EMT. First Responders are heroes, I suppose. I just don't see myself that way. It is all about Fire today.

I have a fall colors.... I just don't always wear them. I made a point to dress like a Gryffendor today for just this purpose... oh and to make the twins squee. I also set up the outdoor lanterns with candles that I will light this evening. I placed a large citrine stone (health, protection, and projection) and amber (power and energy) from my trunk on my bamboo table, but pocketed the tiger eye (courage, confidence, protection, inner and outer strength, decision-making). I have decided to do that rite of passage today. It is the New Moon. I made spicy chai coffee. I rarely like coffee, but sometimes you need a blended something for a helluva kick. I kept some of that constantly available at the dojo while we trained.

Breakfast will be spiced eggs wrapped in tortillas. Lunch will be fried dumplings with spicy dipping sauce. Poking Dad for a hearty spicy dinner with chicken. Dessert will have to be yogourt and bananas to save me from the spiciness. Snack was popcorn! Cheesy and spicy popcorn. 

The Root Chakra is about power, confidence, taking action, control and self-control, willpower, and personal strength. It builds on yesterday nicely. Today I take action. That is the mantra for the day and the associate right.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ACT!

I made sure to light the lanterns about my home. I brought the brazier outside for a rite later. Action that I will take. 

For now I consider Heroic Courage as I so a moving meditation on my tatami mats of my ritual space indoors. Heroic courage is not blind. It challenges and questions. It stands up to those you might admire most when you feel things are just wrong. It is using inner strength and intelligence. It is not giving up just because things get hard. It is acting when you must, even if you are afraid, acting despite fear.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ACT!

This chakra is blocked and challenged by shame and disappointment. What am I ashamed of? I am ashamed of stepping off my path and not being true to myself. There are better ways I could have handled the situation we were in. There had to be. There had to be a way to not compromise who I am. I cannot undo what was done, but I can bloody well commit to not repeat it!

With conviction, I get some rice paper and set up calligraphy on the bamboo table. On the rice paper, i write the Oath of the Healer's Path. I wanted someone there to witness my vows... but I suppose it does not matter. 

That evening, a brazier is lit behind my hut and shines brightly with candlelit lanterns about to guide anyone to the Japanese Maple Tree and the little stone circle I built behind my place. Whether anyone show up there or not. I go outside with the scroll of rice paper. I open it and read from it the Oath of the Healer's Path:

"I am Tae. I am a healer!
I swear this oath to all the gods and beings that may witness me.
I walk the path of the healer.
I swear to treat the afflicted.
I swear to cleanse impurity.
I swear to mourn in tragedy.
I am a HEALER!
And I will never stray from this path again.
SO MOTE IT BE!"

I burn the scroll in the brazier's fire that is scented with ginger, cinnamon, and other hot spices. With a couple breaths, I reach into and collect some of the ashes, managing my Life Sphere to heal any burns I might incur. Then I anoints myself with those ashes, comfortable that I swore a sacred oath with my soul.

Navel, Rei/Respect & Altering Self

November 20th

Today is a day of pleasures. I rake more leaves from the trails and when no one is looking, jump in them myself! Just for the fun of it. And well, then rerake them, of course. I spend time playing with Brighid, too. I read for the fun of it. What am I reading?

The Art of Peace by Morihei Ueshiba

Yes, that is what I read for fun. I enjoy it and learn something new with every reading.

"Eight forces sustain creation:
Movement and stillness,
Solidification and fluidity,
Extension and contraction,
Unification and division."

Another passage I have I found stood out is:

"The Art of Peace is to fulfill that which is lacking."

We are at war and I am that which is lacking. I am the healer. They are the fighters. I will be needed to help heal them and keep them alive while they fight. Healing is not just physical, but mental and emotional and spiritual. I wonder if there are any monks in the other HR that Andrew shows me. Is it ridiculous to think of adding spirituality to my healing? Learning more Spirit Sphere? I will come back to that thot when I get to the Crown Chakra.

Today I spent the day practicing, practicing, practicing..... literally reviewing everything I know and doing the things that are fun.

Today is Day 2 and I am working on the Navel Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Rei, Respect. I shift from the earthiness of the Root Chakra to the wateriness of the Navel.

I am wearing an orange shirt under my turquoise sweater. It is the intent that counts. Orange makes me look ill...... Orange and watery things are the colors of the Navel Chakra. My exercising and reviewing is focused on the hips and groin. This would be a perfect time to have sex! Except I have no one to have sex with but myself............ SIGH! Well.... I can do the wild thing and take one cold chilly swim in the pond before it freezes.

Yup... did that. Not doing that again. AIYEEE! COLD!!!

Instead, I got crafty. I made cloven oranges with the children. Smells so good. Yesterday I forgot to journal that I burned styrax and oakmoss and myrrh for incense. Today, the cloven oranges will scent my ritual space. 

This chakra is about pleasure (often sexual, but not always), emotions and passions, creativity, fertility, and self-worth. While the earthy Root Chakra is about being the rock, this is about being flexible and adaptive, being fluid. Going with the flow. This time from my lithomancy kit, I took out carnelian (restores vitality and motivation, and stimulates creativity) and aquamarine (helps invoke tolerance and a sense of calm in stressful situations). I think I will keep these in my pockets and meditate on them more this evening. Today's tea is a rooibos heavily flavored with orange and clove. I call it sex in a cup. Dare I say that out loud? Let's toss my shyness aside for a moment and see what happens, likely nothing but I will be able to say I took courage and did it.

I make a cup of the tea in the morning at breakfast and hand it to Levi, "Hey... here is some sweetened sex in a cup."

Nothing came of it. I think he was just baffled.

Breakfast was on me today and was pancakes with orange drizzle, maple bacon, cubes of cheese, and fresh peaches and oranges. Enjoy! Lunch was butternut squash soup with coconut milk. Supper I made at my hut. Wanton soup. Dessert was to be a sweet hot custard. My snacks were all fruity mixed with carob chips and pecans. Decadent as far as I am concerned.

The rights of this chakra are:

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL... TO FEEL PLEASURE.

My emotions are valid. And it is ok to want to enjoy myself now and then. And that is what this day is devoted to, things I enjoy... Like crafting cloven oranges with the kids and being a bit wild in the woods. 

Looking at today's Bushido Virtue, I have a few mantras to keep in mind. Other than the obvious one from the Root Chakra. 

True strength comes from enduring difficult times. 

Respect is about showing respect and never being cruel, not even to one's enemies..... even Felicity who tried to impress me with her abilities with Forces. She started with Levitation. Sorry but nope, Levi already did that and it was way cooler when he did. She then send a shockwave at a mountain in the distance. Again, nope... sorry... Andrew already did that with a tree. It was way cooler when he did it. I will ignore her today because I do not want to be cruel and this is the best way to stay respectful.

True strength comes from enduring difficult times.

After dinner, I practiced with my night vision again. I took a LONG hot water soak to wash myself clean of everything. I choose to sit in meditation naked and air dry in the ritual space with the smells of orange and close surrounding me. The carnelian and the aquamarine are on the table with my tea and my journal. Masturbating crossed my mind, but... hmm... nah..... Just not that fun. Even if the Navel Chakra right is about feeling and feeling pleasure. I can accept being sexually frustrated as I get much much more out of being emotionally involved and making love than just sex. Instead I let my body feel the air as I had let it feel the water. 

In my journal, I addressed the challenge of what blocks this chakra. Guilt. What do I blame myself for? I blame myself for...... for not being there enough for Eyri, for missing the signs that he was suicidal, for not saving him. He was my first love, the first guy I was open to, kissed, had sex with, loved. 

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL! MY EMOTIONS ARE VALID!

And the reality is, I likely never would have been able to save him. The reality is that I didn't and he is now gone, no longer suffering whatever he suffered in his soul. I cannot let it poison me, cloud me, and keep me from reaching out. I can... forgive myself of this. 

I look down again at the cuts and runes marking my arms.... He had them too. I will not follow him down that path. True strength comes from enduring difficult times. I can and will endure! Using my Life Sphere, I will heal them better, especially the runes so those specifically bland better into the Momiji leaf tattoos. I won;t totally alter the cut marks. May they be a reminder of what happened, a reminder to not follow Eyri into oblivion.

Root, Gi/Integrity, & Night Vision

November 19th

Today, I started raking some of the trails. I am making piles that the kids can jump in later when I get them big enough for that kind of fun. I loaned the twins my book 1 of Harry Potter, I hope they enjoy it. I trained some more with Mom and my Jo staff. I hope to one day turn it into something called a Wonder.

I tried to do the Rite of Consecration at a distance on a tree. Not much changed. There wasn't really anything negative about it. Now it is just extra Quintessent and sacred? I get the feeling that I won;t be practicing this in this HR. I don;t want anyone doing dark things here just so I can practice cleansing them. Maybe I will talk to Dad about that later, and see if he knows how to practice that safely or if he can help me learn it. Or... maybe I am being totally stupid and it is just not something that can actually be dine at a distance.

Well, so far that has meant practicing sensing and seeing with Forces and Prime and Spirit lots everywhere. I am almost bored with this aspect. I think next weekend I will go to more energetic places and do all my sensing there to see what I get.

Today is Day 1 of working on Root Chakra and the first Bushido Virtue of Gi (Integrity). That means lots of grounding and earthy stuff....

I wore black pants and a brown sweater and a red scarf. There are my root chakra colors. I focused much of my martial katas and practice on my legs and did a great deal of deep grounding exercises. Oh! And I moved more rocks. I built a stone cairn not far from my Momiji tree and some smaller ones as trail markers for the kids. I dug out of my trunk my hematite stone, jet stone, and my red jasper from my lithomancy kit. I set those on my little bamboo table in the ritual space to work with later. I went back and decided to keep them in my pocket instead. Hematite: grounding and protection, warrior's stone, survival, law & judgment. Red Jasper: grounding and courage, security and stability, drive away evil spirits (well... either the stone doesn't work or there are no actual evil spirits in our HR). Jet: grounding, delving into the mystery for wisdom, healing the damaged soul. By lunch, I put the hematite and jasper back on the bamboo table, but decided to carry the jet stone throughout the day. I collected moss and added it to my rocky garden space i created near the Momiji tree. My tea that I drank throughout the day was a black tea, an earl grey that was heavy on the bergamot and the vanilla, weighed down with cream too. I good grounding tea for me. Often Lapsang Soochong is recommended.... but it tastes like licking a fouled peat bog, no thanks. That would not inspire safety, comfort, or grounding to me. I did eat more heavily today. Good stick to the ribs oatmeal with nuts and red berries. Lunch was a meat sandwich with a grainy bread that I actually struggled to make myself in the morning. It turned out lumpy and very heavy, but also very edible. I hope others like bread. I need not be worried about having a heavy dinner. Dad cooks, so it will be meaty and full of vegetables. I asked for red meat, root veggies and potatoes. I think he started a stew my the smells of things. MMmmm hearty beef and barley stew. Perfect for the root chakra. Thank you Dad! My snacks thru the day have been cranberry almost granola bars smeared with peanut butter. 

I should have started this last week. Just making this my focus today has helped me feel so much more ... me... and at home.

Tonight, I will consider the questions and rights related to the root chakra. Not right now, tho.

Today's mantra has been the Bushido Virtue of Gi, Integrity. Integrity is about being true to yourself, living who you are, walking your talk. Sticking to the commitments and decisions we have made. What is mine? I am a HEALER, not a killer. I won't step off that path again. That is how I can be respected and trusted by others. That is how I can respect myself. So, what exactly my mantra?

I live my life with integrity. I will remain always true to myself.

After dinner, it was VERY dark out as the moon is still mostly dark. I am not afraid of the dark, especially not here. But it did give me a perfect opportunity to practice Seeing in the Dark. WOOHOO! I can SEE IN THE DARK! Hehehe... I have elfy eyes... or cat eyes... however you want to DnD call it. It was a very simple Rite of Night Vision with Forces. 

Once back in my hut, I sat in my ritual space and thot how it would be interesting to share this with Levi. I bet he would be fascinated. I do a firm mental strikethru that I need to stop crushing on what is not and never will be there. I did hand him a cup of the tea. Let him wonder. Otherwise, I shake it out and STOMP STOMP STOMP about the tatami mats. Yes, stomping helps ground and shake thinks off. Tonight's focus is the Root Chakra Right to BE, Right to Exist. Also, to address what blocks this chakra: fear.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST!

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUST BE!

What am I afraid of? Lots of things. Recent events tho have shown me that I am more afraid of losing myself, of no longer being me. That is by far my greatest fear.

INTEGRITY

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ME!

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST!

Integrity. I commit to being true to myself. By doing this, I manage this fear. 

I sit with the jet stone between my hands. Healing the damaged soul. I recognize and accept that my soul has been damaged and I am on a path of recovery. I sip my tea and find comfort in the familiar. I like to call this tea a warm hug in a mug. Lastly, after I breathe and absorb what I have done today, I journal it all. My pen is a mat black Jinhao x750 on and my ink is a dark red (Diamine Red Dragon). 

I have the right to be me and to live with integrity.

Week 2 in HR

November 19-25

The plan for the week is to:

• Practice scanning with my spheres
• Try to induce sleep and reawaken... at a distance
• Alter myself... and back
• Healing at a distance
• Rite of Consecration (purification) at a distance
• Seeing in the dark
• Drawing on surrounding Quintessence (how much can I actually hold?)
• Make a Quintessence battery (can I?)
• Work thru Bushido Virtues
• Research and work thru Chakras (I am determined to rebalance myself)
• Read Harry potter with the Twins
• Train in Do & Jo
• Rake the trails
• Visit Dad's ritual space and sense it

Oy! That is a lot. Some of that might spill over into the second week.

Oh... and I think I will have a Momiji moment. My Avatar is Momiji, the kami of the Japanese Maple. She (ya... she... maybe that is why I am gay?) is a spirit of healing (clearly my need to be a healer is deeply rooted in me), inner balance (thus my determination to re-establish this and hang onto it always... be the steady anchor for others), practicality, calm & serenity, gentleness, and honor (which is why I am reviewing my oaths and virtues). Momiji has a specific holiday (which I missed in the chaos of everything) that is during the fall when the leaves change their colors. Nothing is very clear on an exact date beyond it falling between the full moon of late September/early October and the full moon of late November/early December. So I haven't completely missed it, I suppose. The leaves of my momiji tree have changes color and are falling. Other hints are that since the kami is also related to children (why I relate to them and really enjoy them... shhhh... don't tell anyone) she is honored on the new light of the waxing moon, called the New Moon (or Diana's Bow) when the moon is 8-12% waxing. That will be on November 21st. A good time to mark new commitments... or remember old ones. I think maybe I will do that rite of passage then instead of at the full moon.

Dark Moon Ritual

After the simple Rite of Consecration, I sit on the zafu and breathe thru a meditation for a while. I calm my body and my mind. I center and ground. I breathe. 

I decide on my oaths and virtues. I will start with and later end with healing oaths, because above all else, when I consider my identity, I am a HEALER physically and magically. When I tread off that path, it messes me up. No matter how much I want to help in this looming battle/crisis, there has to be a way to do so and still remain true to myself.

As I begin working on these oaths and virtues over the next couple weeks (starting with tonight)... what do they mean for me? How have I applied them? How can I apply them moving forward from the recent incidents? Because... I cannot remain stuck in this magical space between, stuck outside reality.

Tonight, I will look at the Oath of the Healer's Path.

Oath of the Healer's Path

1. Treat the Afflicted
2. Cleanse the Impurity
3. Mourn in Tragedy

To look at this in DnD terms, this is a Lawful Good Paladin's path. It aligns better with me than subterfuge and murder. This is spiritual, martial, and medical. This is being the Battlefield Medic.

This is a sacred oath. I might formally take it in a personal rite of passage at the next full moon on December 3rd. I can write the oath on rice paper (calligraphied) and before a sacred purifying flame recite it then burn it, marking myself with the ashes.

For now, I understand the Treatment of the Afflicted as using my mundane medical skills, my herbal/tea crafting skills, and my spheres of magic to heal wounds and illnesses and conditions. Who are the afflicted? Everyone in need of healing, regardless of color/code/creed/affiliation/etc.

As for Cleansing the Impurity, this requires that I sense/perceive more often and use my skills to purge disease and illness and infection. Can I extend that to purify ill-willed/negative energies as I did with my space? Or purify someone of possession?

Cleanse, Purify, Ward/Protect
Wash, Cure, Vaccinate

To Mourn in Tragedy is to share space with the lost life. It is to ease the passing of the dying, honor their passing/passed souls, and to be present for those who remain. To not mourn alone. Tragedy can be physical death, but can also be an unrecouperable loss. (I will revisit that idea later.) I should think up a small and simple rite to bless the dead or acknowledge the loss, release the spirit, and help bring peace to those left behind.

Tomorrow, I will start one day at a time reviewing the Bushido Virtues.

November Dark Moon Prep

November 18th Daytime

I had said I would commit time to me for... self-care... to try to come to terms with what has happened. I know I am not coping well. Last night when Blythe offered to talk, I hit that edge of panic... like PTSD. Looking back at it, I can see more clearly that it was totally a PTSD reaction. I don;t trust the technocrats nor the "therapists" here. So, I don't really have anyone but Brighid to talk to about all this. I don;t want to worry my parents.

Meditation helps me balance. Training with Andrew or mom does too. As does teaching Blythes twin girls. That last is actually a lot of fun, more fun than I expected. I love expanding their awareness of the wilderness and sharing my passion about tea with them.

Once I finished setting up my place, as a way to rebalance, I have decided to commit to some of the more spiritual aspects of what I was raised with. I think my dad would be proud. Maybe... maybe I will invite him to something I do. Like Yule... if we are all still here then. Or the Full Moon on December 3rd.

For now, we are the Dark Moon today. The Dark Moon is for introspection.

See dad? I have actually paid attention, even if it didn't seem like I did.

I think I will relook at my oaths and virtues. The Dark Moon is a good time to start that... AFTER I show the girls color changing tea... like MAGIC! (without and "deviant" magic involved)

 

November 18th Evening

Why do I feel nervous about doing something spiritual? Maybe because I am concerned that there is no such thing as divine beings? Ok... If I run with that, then Divine Beings can be just greater spiritual entities or great magical beings that ideally have our greater good in mind... unless you worship something with evil intent because you are that kind of person. I think I will devote myself to more vague concepts, like the Moon as a symbol of Wisdom.

I will blend some of what Mom practices with some of what Dad practices. Make this my own. This also gives me the chance to actually practice magic... and not the "fluffy bunny" kind of any sort.

Along with the Do and Jo training, I have spent much of the week just practicing the sensing aspects of the magical spheres I am less familiar with: Forces and Prime mostly, but also some Spirit. I am pretty comfortable and confident with my Life sphere. This can be next week's project, to work much harder on these lesser used spheres of magic.

I am glad Dad ordered in (or was able to procure however) a number of odd things I asked for. Time to really set up an indoor ritual space. In my meditation room on the tatami mats, I put my zafu and zabuton, just off center with the low bamboo tea table I use as a working altar, tea table, or journalling surface. I started by fetching a big rock from outside, the biggest I could carry. Fuck... heavy! Moving something like this ought to be some sort of rite of passage! After scrubbing it clean, I plopped it in the north corner of the room. There. North... EARTH! It had a little flat surface on which I set a black earthenware bowl the size of my palm and filled it with salt and herbs. 

I set up a standing brass brazier with its 18-inch diameter dish in the east corner. I filled it with sand and places in the shelf below it a box of 3-kings charcoal and several boxes and pouches of resins and incense sticks. My favorite incense is a Japanese sandalwood stick, but sometimes other smells are more evocative of certain moods. There. East... AIR! 

In the south corner just past the door on the southwest wall, I screwed in an iron bracket and hung a lantern. In it I places a candle. 

 

I walk past the window and to the west corner. I pushed in a triangular bamboo stand that has a large shell for a water basin in it. Tucked right into the corner is a little vase with a cluster of growing bamboo. There. West... WATER! 

(no picture as I cannot find what I imagine in my head)

The four key elements as my father taught me... done in my own style. The setting sun shines in thru the southwest window. 

On the northwest wall are mounts for my Jo staff and any future Do tools, as well as a trunk with the rest of my magical supplies that I don't use on a regular basis. An Alder wood trunk containing magical and ritual supplies and inscribed with protection symbols on the inside. This is the most expensive piece of furniture I own as the wood was imported from Ireland. Above the trunk is a rice paper banner of the 7 Bushido Virtues in Kanji calligraphy. My wall mounts are above and below the banner.

On the northeast wall is one of those wonderful shelves I managed to get back here, all ebony (imagine the image in naturally black ebony wood) with cultural books, magical texts, tradition material texts. One shelf (central octagon) is dedicated to honoring his ancestors with a little urn of collected ashes, a tealight candle, small incense pot, lighter, box of Japanese sandalwood incense, all on a slate of Sodalite.

I set a red candle on the bamboo tea table with my teacup, my thermos full of charged tea beside it. I also set my journal and fountain pens on it. I think I am ready.... OH! Fire! I get a little lighter, too. I have yet to learn how to manifest fire with magic. I am pretty sure that is part of Forces. I will have to ask Dad.

I go outside and collect fallen momiji leaves: all reds, oranges, and yellows. Inside and cast my circle with them and perform the Rite of Consecration for the space. I press a few of the leaves in one of the books from my shelf for a later project. There is a smaller window close to the north-northeast whereby I can see the momiji tree outside.

I think I am ready to begin.... except for a craving I won't sate till later.

What is that craving? Momiji Tempura. MMmmm... dipped in maple syrup.

Week 1 in HR

 Funny how HR no longer means Human Resources to me......

November 11th... 

Remembrance Day.... Normally this is important. As an EMT, I would be working overtime with Veterans today. I usually work for free, volunteering with the Shriners.

Today, I had my own little breakdown and didn't get to bed till pre-dawn.

Barely a few hours later, my phone rings. WTF? I literally fall out of bed thinking I am late for work or On Call, hunt all over for my phone, and finally answer it as I realize we are in the HR and there should be no signal. Levi is calling... and I have WFT! 6 BARS!? where did a 6th bar come from? The connection is a WiFi or maybe data thing... called FNET. Again... wtf? Is the F in FNET for fucked?

Breakfast... It was a call to breakfast. I think I told him to fuck off and threw the phone across the room. I can't remember. Ten minutes later, i got up anyhow and put myself together. Blythe's family should be arriving.

Sure enough, when I get there, Riley and Blythe are there with a dog, a stranger (his name turns out to be Peter and he is Blythe's husband), and three children (twin 12 yr old girls and a 7 yr old boy). I dig out the fancy teacup and set the girls up with fun fancy fruity tea. Murazaki and Andrew arrive too. Once bitten, Twice shy they say. I am reserved around her. Out of piety, politeness, and propriety, I serve tea starting thru the social ranks with Andrew. Coffee for those who won't do tea.

After breakfast, we head out the the House in the Woods for Blythe's family, bringing their stuff. I offer to show the children about the trails, teach them some woods safety, and teach the girls Tea stuff. They are cute and sweet... and it gives me something to focus on that is a bit more positive. Kids I guess are easier to be with than adults. I am less shy with them.

November 12-17

This first week was... surreal... unreal? I do normal things like take the kids for a walk when their dad doesn't, teach them wild things, do tea parties with the girls to occupy them (I think I have fangirls), nest... yes nest. I properly unpacked into the newer space and made a ritual space for myself inside. I have been meditating, and working out at the dojo, sometimes with Andrew (learning Do) or my mum (learning the jo staff), often alone.

I try hard to not cut myself. Sometimes I just need to feel something more real and that is a sharp real feeling. But, I try not to. I heal it after. I know I need help, that I should ask for help from... someone... but no one here is really qualified.

I made a kitty door so Brighid can come and go as she pleases, follow me if she wants.

At the end of the week, it got weird again.... Riley showed up at my door. He had a black cat, Andrew's cat. I figured it was a familiar. Brighid was kind of freaked out by it. It's name is Zatafax. I vaguely recalled a story from Levi about a Zatafax getting caught in the creation of a HR by accident and turning out to be a GIANT cat in it. Having 'touched' Andrew's sword... I was more content to think of this cat as a familiar than anything very weird. Also... Riley's problem. As it turns out... I walked into a conversation at my parents' place over drinks... Riley and I are the only ones with no actual real life experience of Zatafax. Weird... again... So, Blythe and Levi had similar Awakenings. I am not even going to try to remember or understand that conversation. 

I just wanted to find out what was for supper....

Apparently, Levi has worked with Ecstatics. Remember? I said the conversation was WEIRD! In the newly magical world I Awakened to, the understanding was to not work with them. They were like and STD, you needed protection or you might catch something unwanted. Levi went from the weird of Felicity to the weird of Ecstatics. I will just take that notion of a vague fading crush and just... drown it in antiseptic, thanks.

I don;t understand why the local muggles cannot be let in on understanding what is going on. I still think we should have unAwakened allies. Everyone seems to be of a firm NO on the matter. I think the twins would get a kick out of it. SIGH! Fine, I will do "magical color changing tea" with them... it is chemistry and not actually magic.

I did the good host thing and walked Blythe to the door as she needed to get back to her family for dinner. I regretted it. She totally brought up asking how I was, saying she understands things like this can mess people up. If I ever wanted to talk, she says I could talk to her. That she might be able to help me cope. I was fine till that moment. Then it was hard to breathe and I tried to wall her out, not feel, shut out what happened. She got me into this! I don't want her help. It is not like she can give me my life back.

I went back to the room and accepted a swig from Riley's flask. O>>>M>>>F>>>G>>> that was vile. It burned all the way down and stole my breath. If ever I needed a reminder to stick to tea, juice, and water... that was it!