Week 3 in HR

November 26th - December 2nd (even of the Full Moon)

What a week last week was. Each day, tho, brought me more stability. Day by day things improved. In a way I need to thank Blythe, and apologize to her.

Maybe I can do that this week.

December 2nd

At breakfast... OMG I am so hungry!! Before breakfast, I popped over to the real world to check if I passed and will graduate. HUZZAH! YES!! That makes my morning! Off to breakfast to sate my growling stomach. Andrew came in with Zatafax. He offered for me to return to Montreal if I want to. OF COURSE I DO! ... but I might have to deal with trouble there and... kill. 

NOPE! It was a very flat and firm NO. 

Clearly no one heard me nor listened the entire time leading up to today........

Maybe if I have to defend myself or protect others, ok. But not purposely shoved into a situation where I am obliged to that. NO! What part of I AM A HEALER did you miss? I am not compromising myself again.

The issue got dropped and I got to brood with my breakfast. I took a few deep breaths and let it go.

After breakfast we went to Blythe's for a visit. Darsh arrived. Who? Oh... Riley and Blythe's "handler". Well that was surreal and like right out of a movie. "There have been developments. An operation is set up." he wants our help with it. 

Well fuck....

Andrew knew. It wasn't just a maybe... it was a known plan. When invited to Montreal, this is NOT what I thot. Manipulated again!

NO!

I politely excuse myself and walk out.

Outside I breathe in the crisp air. Yes, I want to be a healer. Yes, I want to help them. I do NOT want to fight and kill. I want to be their HEALER! How many times to I have to say it?!?!

Crown, Chu/Duty/Loyalty & more Quintessence

November 25th

This is the last day of this process. The day is devoted to working with Quintessence. Gathering more of it and moving it into a quartz crystal. This is essentially how a quintessence battery is made. It is a LOT of work and I have myself a headache doing it. But... BUT!!! I DID IT! I power-packed a quartz!I actually feel cool today.

Day 7 is about the Crown Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Chu, Duty & Loyalty. This chakra is all about spirituality and enlightenment. The virtue is about being true to the people/things I am responsible for. That will take some thot.

I spent a lot of time in the white gi training in the dojo or working with the Zen garden again. I am doing a lot of thinking today. The quartz stone goes everywhere with me as I jam all the Quintessence I can into it. My tea today is very simple. Two Dove Silver Needle is a very high quality light white tea. I wonder if I confused Levi when I brought over a small tea service. I put my finger to my lips to indicate this was to remain in silence. I did tea ceremony for him with this white tea. Then I bowed deeply to him for honoring me by accepting my tea. This gave me an idea for later. Part of the Oath of the Healer's Path was to Mourn the tragedy. I will set up an ancestral shrine for myself... maybe for everyone. Today is a day of fasting. I had only tea, water, rice and a little fish. I gathered some ginko leaves to decorate my ritual space as I had done with the momiji leaves before, and pressed a few as well. 

This chakra is blocked by addictions and attachments. I will let these go; I will mourn them... but everything changes. That is the only constant.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND.

I ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT TO LET GO.

That is also a spiritual act. I walked out to the stone cairn I built and set out a small offering dish with some sweet jasmine rice in it. With it I put a another little quartz that I had and lit a small candle in a little lantern. I knelt and bowed my head down till the candle was completely burned. This was for my ancestors, but also for the recent lives lost. It was also for the loss of the way of life we have all had to give up.

And so concludes my seven days of chakras and virtues.

Third Eye, Makoto & Quintessence

November 24th

Today is a sensing day. I do a practice of seeing and sensing everything all over for practice. I am especially working with Quintessence today. I want to know how much I can hold, move, and store in a quartz stone. The last I will do tomorrow. First I start with sensing. Elements, substances, spiritual energies and entities, and quintessence. I do a LOT of meditating and drawing in of quintessence. Well... look at that. I can hold a lot of quintessence. Mum and Dad confirmed that like duh... I should know that because I work with Prime like Dad. *facepalm*

Today is Day 6 where I work with the Third Eye Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Makato, Honesty & Sincerity. In hindsight. Jin/Compassion should have been done with the Heart Chakra and this on should have been done with the Throat Chakra. 

Third Eye Chakra is about sight, psychic abilities, intuition, inspiration, perception, and thot. This is why I spent the day sensing and seeing with Forces, Prime, and Spirit. The virtue is rather self-explanatory. Be honest and sincere. Keep your word. Mean what you say and say what you mean. 

This is my favorite chakra for the colors of indigo and violet. I wore black pants, a lavender/lilac shirt with a deep indigo sweater. I love sweater season! The stones are iolite (seeing/understanding the inner self, hope and peace in difficult times, tranquility, and guidance), fluorite (an amplifier of ones abilities, but holds no power of its own), and amethyst (Mental power, meditation, honor, focus, psychic abilities, relaxation, and peace). I set the iolite and amethyst on my bamboo table but carried my fluorite about to help me. Today's tea is an herbal blend of mint, lemon balm, stevia, blue butterfly pea flower, and bamboo with a squirt of lemon that makes it change color and be purple. This is the twins favorite fun color changing tea. For the fun of it and to hopefully see Levi smile, I made some for him to let him watch it change color. Gotta love chemistry. This is a very light flavored tea. As for food today, I stuck with just the tea for breakfast. Lunch was also light, purple cabbage with salt and butter only. Supper was fish and purple rice with some purple cauliflower. I am grateful my family is enduring my week of self-care. Ohhh... Mum made sushi with the purple rice! HUZZAH! Thank you Mum!

I have spent the day perceiving things and puzzling out the logic of the situation we are all in. I am avoiding doing any divination because I know that will be disastrous. It could be terrifyingly accurate or terrifyingly wrong. 

My right is my mantra:

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE... to see the truth.

In my ritual space, I sit and meditate on this with the other stones. I have the right to see... that is because this chakra is about illusions. Everything is connected. I accept this and will endeavour to see past the deceptions to the truth. May I not be deceived by the illusions put forth to manipulate me.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE THE TRUTH.

Throat, Jin/Compassion & Family

November 23rd

This is a day I spend with family. I will go hunting with my dad... not that I hunt much. I use a bow when I do. I practices healing at a distance while we hunted. I considered asking Riley along. I think he would enjoy the hunting, tho might get frustrated with me healing our prey. It is good practice for me. As this is so early in the morning... OMG too early!... I have the rest of the day. The morning was devoted to being with Dad. I will help him out in any projects he is doing this morning. The afternoon is devoted to Mum. That inevitable means Do training and Jo training, but it also means tea ceremony and meditations and the making of herbal remedies. Crafting medicines.

Today is day 5 and focuses on the Throat Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Jin, Compassion. The Throat is connected to the mouth, nose, and ears. It is for listening and communicating... and sometimes just holding silence. Gin is about helping and being compassionate, always and with all beings.

Today I wear blues, my blue jeans and light blue shirt with a heavier jacket because of the morning hunting. When I am with Mum, I wear my lighter blue gi. The stones I took out today are sodalite (creativity, easing fears and doubts, communication, inner peace, mind over body) and blue lace agate (improves memory, soothes and calms, happiness, brings focus), which I keep in my pockets. I hunted up lavender, mint, and eucalyptus and hung bundles in my ritual space for the smells. Today's tea is a ginseng oolong with blue butterfly pea flowers, sweetened with honey. It is a very BLUE tea. I will share some with Levi and hold silence with him for a break in my training with Mum. Breakfast was blueberry waffles with blueberry syrup. Lunch was a very light salad with shrimps and lemon vinegrette. Supper was fun. I made blue rice to go with whatever dad made for dinner.

Throat Chakra is about truth, listening, and communicating. It is also about responsibility. Communicating is always difficult for me. Even if this chakra's right is...

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK... AND BE HEARD!

But no one seems to ever listen to me. I keep trying to tell people that I do not want to kill, to fight... I am a healer. I want to be a healer. I WANT TO BE A HEALER! CAN YOU HEAR ME! I WANT TO BE A HEALER! I stand in front of my hut and yell to the sky.

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT AND KILL! I WANT TO BE A HEALER!

Can anyone hear me? Is anyone listening?

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK AND BE HEARD!

I sit a long time in my ritual space after that just being quiet and breathing, trying not to feel like i am being choked to death by what people think are my responsibilities.

This chakra is blocked by lies, especially those we tell ourselves. What am I lying about? ......

So be it. I am not ok. I am not coping well. I am trying but I am not ok. I cannot do this. I cannot be what they want me to be. I can only be me... a healer.

... Let me be a healer... please.... hear me... listen to me....

Heart, Meiyo/Honor, Sleep

November 22nd

O...M...F...G... I am sore from yesterday! Andrew is a hard but amazing teacher. I think I will just sleep in today. Oh yes! Sleep! That is something I want to work on today. Not me sleeping.... Trying to put creatures to sleep and awaken them at a distance. Today thus was lots of relaxed breathing meditation. I did some raking in the Zen Garden out front. Mom would be proud, I hope. I don't usually use it. I also collected stones and other things and hauled some sand out to a field where I worked on a walking labyrinth.

Here is the model: 

 

And here is roughly what I ended up with:

I hope everyone enjoys it. I sat in the middle of it and just breathed once I was done. Afterwards, I walked about with Brighid and practiced putting animals to sleep and waking them at a distance to see if I can even do it. Well... look at that! I can!! That will be helpful.

BREATHE!

The Heart Chakra is Day 4, as well as the Bushido Virtue of Meiyo, Honor. This is a chakra about Air, breath, compassion, love and loss. The virtue of Honor is close to that of Integrity. It is to live honorably, act honorably, be truthful to oneself. 

I wore greens today with a pink shirt under my forest green sweater. In hindsight, I wish I had thot to add a sakura tree to my part of this HR. Somewhere, my mother must have. There are roses at least. And mint. I collected a bit of both to add to my silky oolong tea for the day. I set a mug of this tea by Levi will he was deeply engross in his own journalling. Part of me wanted to hug him for no reason. I didn't tho. I hugged my parents instead, then went on about my day. Maybe later I will hug Levi and tell him that he is not alone... in case he feels alone. Today I carried malachite (Success, motherly love, protection, peace and hope, and the warding off of negativity) and rose quartz (love and friendship, inner beauty, self-confidence) with me, but left a moonstone (love and bonding, sacredness, connecting emotional and creative selves, compassion, caring, and healing the heart) on the bamboo table for later. I kept breakfast light, eggs in a fluffy croissant and some fruit salad. Lunch was just salad. I made dinner this evening of stirfy veggies with chicken and rice with mint. I am deeply craving pasta, but not till I am done with these chakras. My snacks today were pistachio nuts. 

BREATHE....

Today's mantras are obviously to BREATHE. But it is also to be honorable. 

HONOR IS THE LAW... what I live by...

And the right...

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE... and to be loved.

This evening, I spend some time just snuggling Brighid in my ritual space. Love and being loved. This chakra is also about grief. I give myself some time to grieve for Eyri. Oh how I miss him. But also to let him go. I have loved. I have lost. I am also not alone here. One day... hopefully I will love again. 

I go to bed early tonight and let a breathing meditation carry me off to sleep.

Solar Plexus, Yu/Heroic Courage & ACTION!

November 21st

Today is a fiery day! Today is SPICY! It is an action packed day as I am spending most of the day training with Mom and Andrew. I will work out tension ... or get it worked out of me. Today the chakra and the virtue align well together. Holy cow.....

Today is Day 3 with the Solar Plexus Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Yu, Heroic Courage. I don;t consider myself very heroic, even tho I am often called a hero by people when I am being an EMT. First Responders are heroes, I suppose. I just don't see myself that way. It is all about Fire today.

I have a fall colors.... I just don't always wear them. I made a point to dress like a Gryffendor today for just this purpose... oh and to make the twins squee. I also set up the outdoor lanterns with candles that I will light this evening. I placed a large citrine stone (health, protection, and projection) and amber (power and energy) from my trunk on my bamboo table, but pocketed the tiger eye (courage, confidence, protection, inner and outer strength, decision-making). I have decided to do that rite of passage today. It is the New Moon. I made spicy chai coffee. I rarely like coffee, but sometimes you need a blended something for a helluva kick. I kept some of that constantly available at the dojo while we trained.

Breakfast will be spiced eggs wrapped in tortillas. Lunch will be fried dumplings with spicy dipping sauce. Poking Dad for a hearty spicy dinner with chicken. Dessert will have to be yogourt and bananas to save me from the spiciness. Snack was popcorn! Cheesy and spicy popcorn. 

The Root Chakra is about power, confidence, taking action, control and self-control, willpower, and personal strength. It builds on yesterday nicely. Today I take action. That is the mantra for the day and the associate right.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ACT!

I made sure to light the lanterns about my home. I brought the brazier outside for a rite later. Action that I will take. 

For now I consider Heroic Courage as I so a moving meditation on my tatami mats of my ritual space indoors. Heroic courage is not blind. It challenges and questions. It stands up to those you might admire most when you feel things are just wrong. It is using inner strength and intelligence. It is not giving up just because things get hard. It is acting when you must, even if you are afraid, acting despite fear.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ACT!

This chakra is blocked and challenged by shame and disappointment. What am I ashamed of? I am ashamed of stepping off my path and not being true to myself. There are better ways I could have handled the situation we were in. There had to be. There had to be a way to not compromise who I am. I cannot undo what was done, but I can bloody well commit to not repeat it!

With conviction, I get some rice paper and set up calligraphy on the bamboo table. On the rice paper, i write the Oath of the Healer's Path. I wanted someone there to witness my vows... but I suppose it does not matter. 

That evening, a brazier is lit behind my hut and shines brightly with candlelit lanterns about to guide anyone to the Japanese Maple Tree and the little stone circle I built behind my place. Whether anyone show up there or not. I go outside with the scroll of rice paper. I open it and read from it the Oath of the Healer's Path:

"I am Tae. I am a healer!
I swear this oath to all the gods and beings that may witness me.
I walk the path of the healer.
I swear to treat the afflicted.
I swear to cleanse impurity.
I swear to mourn in tragedy.
I am a HEALER!
And I will never stray from this path again.
SO MOTE IT BE!"

I burn the scroll in the brazier's fire that is scented with ginger, cinnamon, and other hot spices. With a couple breaths, I reach into and collect some of the ashes, managing my Life Sphere to heal any burns I might incur. Then I anoints myself with those ashes, comfortable that I swore a sacred oath with my soul.

Navel, Rei/Respect & Altering Self

November 20th

Today is a day of pleasures. I rake more leaves from the trails and when no one is looking, jump in them myself! Just for the fun of it. And well, then rerake them, of course. I spend time playing with Brighid, too. I read for the fun of it. What am I reading?

The Art of Peace by Morihei Ueshiba

Yes, that is what I read for fun. I enjoy it and learn something new with every reading.

"Eight forces sustain creation:
Movement and stillness,
Solidification and fluidity,
Extension and contraction,
Unification and division."

Another passage I have I found stood out is:

"The Art of Peace is to fulfill that which is lacking."

We are at war and I am that which is lacking. I am the healer. They are the fighters. I will be needed to help heal them and keep them alive while they fight. Healing is not just physical, but mental and emotional and spiritual. I wonder if there are any monks in the other HR that Andrew shows me. Is it ridiculous to think of adding spirituality to my healing? Learning more Spirit Sphere? I will come back to that thot when I get to the Crown Chakra.

Today I spent the day practicing, practicing, practicing..... literally reviewing everything I know and doing the things that are fun.

Today is Day 2 and I am working on the Navel Chakra and the Bushido Virtue of Rei, Respect. I shift from the earthiness of the Root Chakra to the wateriness of the Navel.

I am wearing an orange shirt under my turquoise sweater. It is the intent that counts. Orange makes me look ill...... Orange and watery things are the colors of the Navel Chakra. My exercising and reviewing is focused on the hips and groin. This would be a perfect time to have sex! Except I have no one to have sex with but myself............ SIGH! Well.... I can do the wild thing and take one cold chilly swim in the pond before it freezes.

Yup... did that. Not doing that again. AIYEEE! COLD!!!

Instead, I got crafty. I made cloven oranges with the children. Smells so good. Yesterday I forgot to journal that I burned styrax and oakmoss and myrrh for incense. Today, the cloven oranges will scent my ritual space. 

This chakra is about pleasure (often sexual, but not always), emotions and passions, creativity, fertility, and self-worth. While the earthy Root Chakra is about being the rock, this is about being flexible and adaptive, being fluid. Going with the flow. This time from my lithomancy kit, I took out carnelian (restores vitality and motivation, and stimulates creativity) and aquamarine (helps invoke tolerance and a sense of calm in stressful situations). I think I will keep these in my pockets and meditate on them more this evening. Today's tea is a rooibos heavily flavored with orange and clove. I call it sex in a cup. Dare I say that out loud? Let's toss my shyness aside for a moment and see what happens, likely nothing but I will be able to say I took courage and did it.

I make a cup of the tea in the morning at breakfast and hand it to Levi, "Hey... here is some sweetened sex in a cup."

Nothing came of it. I think he was just baffled.

Breakfast was on me today and was pancakes with orange drizzle, maple bacon, cubes of cheese, and fresh peaches and oranges. Enjoy! Lunch was butternut squash soup with coconut milk. Supper I made at my hut. Wanton soup. Dessert was to be a sweet hot custard. My snacks were all fruity mixed with carob chips and pecans. Decadent as far as I am concerned.

The rights of this chakra are:

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL... TO FEEL PLEASURE.

My emotions are valid. And it is ok to want to enjoy myself now and then. And that is what this day is devoted to, things I enjoy... Like crafting cloven oranges with the kids and being a bit wild in the woods. 

Looking at today's Bushido Virtue, I have a few mantras to keep in mind. Other than the obvious one from the Root Chakra. 

True strength comes from enduring difficult times. 

Respect is about showing respect and never being cruel, not even to one's enemies..... even Felicity who tried to impress me with her abilities with Forces. She started with Levitation. Sorry but nope, Levi already did that and it was way cooler when he did. She then send a shockwave at a mountain in the distance. Again, nope... sorry... Andrew already did that with a tree. It was way cooler when he did it. I will ignore her today because I do not want to be cruel and this is the best way to stay respectful.

True strength comes from enduring difficult times.

After dinner, I practiced with my night vision again. I took a LONG hot water soak to wash myself clean of everything. I choose to sit in meditation naked and air dry in the ritual space with the smells of orange and close surrounding me. The carnelian and the aquamarine are on the table with my tea and my journal. Masturbating crossed my mind, but... hmm... nah..... Just not that fun. Even if the Navel Chakra right is about feeling and feeling pleasure. I can accept being sexually frustrated as I get much much more out of being emotionally involved and making love than just sex. Instead I let my body feel the air as I had let it feel the water. 

In my journal, I addressed the challenge of what blocks this chakra. Guilt. What do I blame myself for? I blame myself for...... for not being there enough for Eyri, for missing the signs that he was suicidal, for not saving him. He was my first love, the first guy I was open to, kissed, had sex with, loved. 

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL! MY EMOTIONS ARE VALID!

And the reality is, I likely never would have been able to save him. The reality is that I didn't and he is now gone, no longer suffering whatever he suffered in his soul. I cannot let it poison me, cloud me, and keep me from reaching out. I can... forgive myself of this. 

I look down again at the cuts and runes marking my arms.... He had them too. I will not follow him down that path. True strength comes from enduring difficult times. I can and will endure! Using my Life Sphere, I will heal them better, especially the runes so those specifically bland better into the Momiji leaf tattoos. I won;t totally alter the cut marks. May they be a reminder of what happened, a reminder to not follow Eyri into oblivion.