Caught between feeling violated, my consent never considered, and fury and betrayal... having been put in a mindscape with Felicity whom I do not trust without any preparation. I have had more than enough surprises. NO MORE!
YOU HEAR ME?! NO MORE! FUCK OFF!
I get why my father does his rituals as he does... as one coalesces in my mind. I knew all the theory. I grew up with it. I have done small things on my own, but nothing like what was in my head now. And what was in my head now felt powerful, right, and what I needed right now... even if it was very very simple. Things don;t have to be complicated to work?, right?
Purge/Purify... Sanctify... Ward...
Widdershins, deosil, deosil.
I pour quintessence into this ritual.
I fling open my hut door, pull out my sacred cup I use for... everything... I pull out a little box that contains my Pagan ritual tools: incense, lighter and a small athame. I pour some tea unto the cup and step outside.
I light the incense then carve the first part of a rune on one side of the doorframe. It is the first part of a three-part rune. I spiral out and around widdershins about my hut, marking whatever spot I can as I do with the first rune. Levi was striding over trying to ask what I was doing.
"By fire and air and my blade do I purify all that is mine and me..." I end by carving the rune into my arm. I tried to ignore Levi and concentrate.
Levi follows me about. I cannot tell if he is approving, disapproving, or fascinating or shocked.
I reverse my spiral and now go deosil from the outside inward, dipping my athame into the cup of tea and sprinkling, then using the athame to add the second rune over the first as I go.
"By earth and water and my blade do I sanctify all that mine and me." I end by carving the second rune into my arm.
A deep breath in and I focused, like I would in the ambulance saving a life. I winced as I carved the last rune into my arm and hand and then marked the wall with a final warning rune. With my blood dripping, I walked out and marked the four quarters.
"By my blade and my blood are me and mine protected, keeping the ill-intended and the unwanted out. SO MOTE IT BE!" I poured some tea over my wound, then took a sip and libated the rest to the gods. I use my Life Sphere to heal my arm, just enough to leave it scar.
Carefully, I set things aside, feeling a mix of the euphoric high from cutting my arm and doing ritual. It inspired courage. Or maybe stupidity. I march into my hut and empty my backpack entirely save for literal criticals. It might be the middle of the night and I might be tired and high and determined... but I will bloody well take some measure of control back. I might not have a whole lot of magic, but I know non-magical ways to get rid of magical things.
I use my door as a portal. Shit... I was right. It still works. I step through and then head to Terra Nova. There I walk a fast line to the supply shed for some home grown tannerite booming supplies. Levi shows up as i head back to take the portal back to the apartment. He is confused, worried. In the apartment, i set up the explosives. Small, yes, but I don't want to blow the whole building. Levi is frantically trying to convince me not to do this madness. I had to very literally throw him back thru the portal to the Horizon Realm so I could set the fuse and step through myself. I know in moments the door in the apartment would blow. I counted as Levi yelled things at me. I opened the door as a portal just to see....
FUCK! The portal is still there... on the damned door frame. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! I remove the damned door. It is STILL there. FUCK! The futility is .... frustrating! I punched the doorframe till I bled. I went inside and washed it, reassured Brighid, and tried to calm down. I sat with some fresh tea and Brighid , then vent into my journal. The lack of a door is annoying, as well as Levi stressing about me. So, I go back out and with his help, I get the door put back on.
Note to self, more tannerite.... or take time to see where the magic is bound and blow the right things. I am an idiot.
At least the ritual energy held.....
I make tea to sit with Levi.... Do I trust him? I have no idea. A possible relationship? .... kicked so far out the window that it vanished into some mysterious ethereal dimension.
Blessedly, Andrew showed and removed the portal. I want to trust him. I do trust him. But... after .... Can I? I served tea to him first then Levi, then myself. We spoke of ... Felicity. Now... this is the conversation that really needed to happen BEFORE throwing me into a mental lockroom with her. He also discussed what we were actually doing and travelled to such Horizon Realm as to consider it the Pure Lands. It was.... numinous. It is a Refuge. It is where Andrew and my parents and others are trying to save the awakened... mages... magicky people till the dust settles and forces can regroup. I worried about the unawakened, the masses (they are called sleepers), I worried for the mundane normal folks. The Nafandi will win... rule the people... then theoretically stagnate.... and then we will return to defeat them. I am less sure on the matter of it all. If the Nafandi are so terrible and trying to destroy us, why would they leave the normal folks alone? Why do they want to destroy the awakened? how could they possibly stagnate? It doesn't make any sense.
Maybe I am too tired to understand. Too exhausted.
Once back at my hut, wonderfully larger and ready to be better set up, I set out some things for consideration later, things I feel I need to review:
- Code of Honor: Bushido Virtues
- The Art of Peace
- Healer's Oath / Oath of the Path of the Healer
Let me actually start with the last one in its shortest form:
Treat the Afflicted
Cleanse the Impurities
Mourn in Tragedy
The sun is almost up. I need sleep. I curl up with Brighid and trace all the marks upon my arm with a finger.... Is it all worth it? Is any of it worth it? I feel like we are retreating from a foe we cannot defeat, one that will only salt the earth in our wake. Not the positive thots one should be falling asleep to. My sleep is thus fitful... till the over-exhaustion drags me to dreamless oblivion... tho not true peaceful oblivion...
