Expansion

Friday, November 10th.... the afternoon....

As awful as this week has been, and as I have felt, Morning training with Andrew was the best. Painful, yes, but the best. I felt focused, productive, active... and like a I am capable of doing something good and right. I know he is not going to stay long, likely. I hope to learn more from him before he goes. There is no room to tear myself apart when training with him in the dojo.

Meditating was good too. My mind was finally finding calm and quietude again.

Then... Felicity showed up.....

What the ever living fuck is she doing in our Sanctuary?! I cannot understand how Levi can be happy and excited to see her with all that she has done to him and others. Like seriously?! Stockholm syndrome some?! 

How did she get here?! She didn't come thru the dojo portal. Did she come thru the MY house? From the apartment portal?! I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THAT SOONER! There are old school ways to do that......

I hide from this discomfort of her presence here by helping Andrew set up the dojo for..... meditation/magic "work"? Oh.... we are going to expand and adjust the Horizon Realm.

I sit as far from Felicity as possible as everyone else settles into places on meditation cushions around the dojo. The mindlink feeling is a bit familiar from last time. Murasaki is leading again. There is she, Mom, Dad, Andrew, Levi, me ... and Felicity. Felicity.... POWER, speed, super intelligence. I guess she is the necessary mana for the task at hand. As long as she doesn't contaminate it with things that allow her to do her own fucked up manipulations in OUR sanctuary. It is a struggle to settle into the right state of mind. I can do it, but my underlayer of mistrust is very strong. Murasaki reassures me that Felicity is here to help. I remind myself that this is for a completely innocent and potentially terrified family in as much danger as we are (more so because they have no way to protect themselves).

We begin by our interdimensional pocket bubble much bigger. We are then given leave to form our on slices of this. I am curious what Levi's place will be like and where. I need to wipe from my thots any notion of a relationship there. What is wrong with me?! Ya... scrap that. Not happening. I focus on my own hut, forgetting all about Felicity. Creating takes a lot of focus. I create almost a mirror of my current hut on its other side and attached. Between my place and Mom's Teahouse (that I think I use just as much as she does), I imagine a huge old and gnarled momiji tree. I probably could have done all the decorating inside and moving the furniture and whatnot from here, but I didn't want to scare Brighid. She can go explore the new rooms on her own and the physical work of setting up after all this will be good and grounding for me later. I left the new addition very very empty. I then devoted focus on expanding the forest behind my house. Making it much more expansive and diverse. I added in a bunch of little grottoes and hiking trails and fin things for kids to discover... things I remember loving to find when I was young and running around the wilds of Terra Perma.

Then there is a hella power push to make things EVEN BIGGER as distant space is made for Blythe and her family with all the stuff they will need to live there long term.

We are almost done... The expansion feels right and nearly finished. I am curious what changes everyone is making.

Blood to blank to bruises....

I slept alone... well, with Brighid. But I didn't want to sleep alone. I deeply wanted to do something life-affirming. Ride something full of touches and breaths and ecstatic blindness. I thot it was just a myth that when people were about to face a dying fight or be in one or kill ... that they need to somehow have sex and remind themselves of the means to create life.... not that I want to be with a girl and make babies. So not interested in girls. No offence to them. And I am not ready for children.... but I really could have done with some good sex and the wonderful euphoria after.

There are other ways to get that euphoria...

I frown at the blood staining the cloth I hold over the newest cut and ignore Brighid's concerned glaring. Is this the path that Eyri took... before he cut himself out of existence? I am not doing that. I am not. Very different things have happened to me and ... I am just trying to cope.

Today I hope to start building, based on whatever Dad figured out from my doodling. Shit.... I left my journal with him with my last entries. 

I will make sure to wear long sleeves and keep them tugged down so he does not see, hoping he did not read those other pages.

Today I feel a bit naked without my journal in my hands. Today I feel so empty and blank. My hands need something to do. I need something to do.

Dressed I go to breakfast. Mom made breakfast today. All my comfort foods. I love her. And there is tea, of course. I picked up my journal, still hoping no one has read anything other than the drawings.

Who is Dad talking to? 

ANDREW! That guy with the scary demon sword! YAY! Not for the sword, for the man. I want to show him the new things I have learned. I want to show him what I can do now with DO. He is SOOOO amazing! I really hope he will teach me.

OH! They plan to expand the Realm for some Knowlton Country House with a pond, for Blythe's family.... who know nothing about magic.

OH! OH! (No no squeeing).... Andrew WILL train me!! Me and Levi. EEEEEE!!!!! YIKES! WOW! Andrew can TELEPORT!?! So cool.Levi and I joined him in the Dojo and spent the rest of the morning training. He was assessing everything I know and learned and challenging the hell out of me. There was literally no time to think about anything that had happened. It is very hard to land a hit on a guy who vanishes with teleporting, even two on one with Levi's help. How does he DO that? (haha... did you see that pun I used?) I know he is using Spheres and DO. 

In the end, I have lots of educational bruises.

Trauma, Grief, Moving On...

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

The medic in me says in any situation of trauma there is some form of loss... and the grief over that loss... even if it is a loss of innocence. Not that I am some pink dusted donut that no one has poked yet. I've been poked. I've done my share of poking. Just... never like this. To poke the beast within and head out death.

Stage 1: Denial

I didn't just do that. There is no way that was actual real. I am trapped in some strange mind-fuck of magic. I would never kill anyone. I am a HEALER!

...... but I did kill someone. Something. Nephandi. What are they really? Do they actually intend us harm? Faith states you think something is true even tho there is no way to prove it. Have I given in to faith... false faith? True faith? I made a deadly poison... it is in my pocket, I still have some. I used it to kill 2 people. 

Part of me wants to just be numb..... 

Part of me wants to swallow the remains of this bottle of poison.....

I am a healer... but I killed someone... now I am a killer. Can I still be a healer?

I was recognized and in dealing out that death, I have lost EVERYTHING of my life.

Stage 2: Anger

This bears repeating.... 

I was recognized and in dealing out that death, I have lost EVERYTHING of my life. THEY HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING! I hate them... I hate the Technocracy for bringing this to my family. I hate that they made me kill.

I scream... and scream! And SCREAM! But nothing has changed. Nothing will make this reality different. I am not the only one whose life has been ruined. Blythe has a family too and she must be just as stressed and scared for them.

I want to hurt someone... something... for forcing this upon me...

... But I only have myself.... 

There is also meditation, tea in the teahouse, the feel of the woods, training over and over in the dojo.... And of course Brighid by my side (who firmly and repeatedly reminds me NOT to cut myself when I do).

Stage 3: Bargaining

By all the gods, take this blood sacrifice. Take this offering to energy that I spend. Take this cup of tea. Take whatever it is of me you can take to make this go back to the way it was. I would give you anything for the return to the safety we had.

.... I know what is done is done and cannot be undone, no matter how much I wish it, no matter how much begging and pleading I do with the gods.

Stage 4: Depression

I know... intellectually that one should not do this. But... the sharpness of the pain of a cut is intensely clarifying, eases the need for self-punishment, releases something awful within. Better than swallowing the bottle of poison myself or truly hating myself. One day I might still, tho.

Maybe I can just curl up here in bed with Brighid and cry till the bed is soaked... filled enough to drown me instead. I feel like I am drowning. How will I ever be able to heal anyone... locked away from the world in this place between the worlds. Am I ever going to be a healer again?

My dad has come by a few times. I heard him, saw his shadow, felt his presence. I drag myself out for breakfast. It helps. Dad's breakfast always helps. I had been subsisting on magicked tea for the last little while. Real food is grounding. It doesn't fix things or undo them. It doesn't make these feelings go away. But it helps.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Sitting at the table over breakfast, we are all in the same situation. Not alone in this loss. I am not the only one who has killed in my lifetime. My parents must have. They have this look about them, this feel, that they have been where I am. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I should, but I don't. 

There are some things I can do while I figure it all out. I can train. I can clean up the piles of mess in my little living space. I can commit my efforts to build more space to it. I can draft ideas for that and pass those ideas to my dad. 

I can offer to Levi to help him build a place here for himself.

Not that long ago, I hoped that maybe... maybe he and I... Maybe there was a chance at a possible relationship. I don't know now if that is even possible. I don't know if I am in a suitable position emotionally to even explore that possibility, if it ever was or could be one. At the moment, I don't feel like I will ever be ok enough for a relationship. 

No one is going to want a messed up internally broken former healer....

One step at a time for the moment, I suppose. 

One meal at a time. One tea at a time. One pile of stuff organized at a time. One set of katas at a time. The ever present questions of Am I good enough anymore? Will I ever be again? rattle quietly in my head and in my heart... and spill onto these pages....

Levi accepted my offer to help him build his own place here. We sat together designing our living spaces. It was a comfortable quiet... doing something we actually CAN do... doing something creative instead of destructive.